The Way I See It

2010-05-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

Mon and Tues Pics

2010-02-09T15:03:00.001-08:00

Monday Feb. 8

I play on a fashion design site, dressupchallenge.com Did a fighting sioux design for a challenge :)

Tuesday Feb. 9

Image in a frame I got to put a pic of Scott and I in. I'm printing off a pic of me and Aimee and one of just me for in his wallet.

Guess it's good I can't put these on FB, I don't really want him seeing this until the weekend. lol

A Pic A Day

2010-02-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

So, facebook has changed its layout, and I can't upload pictures. :( Sooo, I'm continuing my picture a day for the year on here, starting with last Friday when it stopped working for me.

Friday Feb. 5

Feb. Bulletin Board "Black History Month" some quotes and interesting legislation

Sat. Feb. 6

Saw "The Lovely Bones", great movie!

Sun. Feb. 7

Grandma has been working on a big quilt she got from Laurel.

Art Portfolio 1

2009-10-07T17:50:00.001-07:00

Panoramic Linear Drawing

Close Ups

Space Drawing, Chose 2 words, I chose Vintage, and Glamorous

Not my best...

Schmuckers!!! :P

Juxstaposition of 2 objects

I chose a cat (Schmuckers) and a nuclear explosion :P

There's a deep meaning in my head about animal and human cruelty...but I also liked how the puffy cloud and fluffy cat had similar textures :)

Charcoal Drawing

Drawn from this pic that I took of one of the roses Scott sent me

It's So Sad...

2009-08-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

I find it horribly sad how much we depend on technology these days. My laptop needs a new hard drive, and I am dying without it! I am using a loner currently from Grandma's church, but it isn't the same. I wish I could get on WoW for awhile...lol.

I also continuously lose/misplace flash drives. It's pretty frustrating. Luckily I don't need what was on there too badly...but still!!! ARGH

And classes, everything is by email or on Blackboard or something now. It's hard to imagine how life was before computers...but you know what? My whole life I've had computers! I definitely didn't depend on them this much before though.

I hate how some little kids, 6 and 7 even, have laptops! Go outside and run around! You're young and full of energy, don't waste away in front of the computer or TV screen like some of us older people! I count myself as one of those older people. Sadly, I don't have the same energy I used to have. But I still take time to walk outside and read a good book. No movie or computer game can beat the power of the written word or the loveliness of a walk outside. :)

May we never forget how powerful the outside world is.

If all the computers in the world crashed, if all our cell phones and pagers or black berrys stopped working...what would we do? Panic. But hopefully we'd eventually realize what else is out there...

says the girl writing in a blog.

Mirror, Mirror...

2008-11-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

(got this in an email from KK's friend...)

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were truewas to ask the famed talking 'Mirror, Mirror on the Wall' to confirm forthem whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said...?

(scroll down)

Who in the hell is Michelle Larsen?!?!

rofl

gotta love it

Introductions

2008-11-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Since I started school again this fall, two very important people have been in my life.

Scott:

and Aimee:

Those pics were actually taken looooong before I met either of them. Not so long for Aimee's...lol. But yeah. So, Scott is my boyfriend, and Aimee is he sweet 1 1/2 year old daughter.

I was over there for Halloween, and they've been here to visit me too, so here are some pics I've taken. I'll post more later. I can't get enough of these two. lol. And Aimee loves pictures.

These are actually from Labor Day weekend. Went with his family to a resort in Alexandria.

Aimee, listening to my MP3 player. She was fascinated by the fact sound came out of those headphones! lol. She loves music and is always dancing and singing along with movies, etc. Even got her to watch some of Moulin Rouge one time. She's a musical girl!

Sleeping. Couldn't resist this pic. Classic picture every kid has to have.

This just turned out cool. Playing under a table with a cup and straw. She also loves straws...

Aimee and her Grandma (Scott's mom)

Daddy and daughter

Haha, she's a cutie

Discovered her reflection, very exciting moment, she even dropped my pig

Haha, this was a perfect picture. She absolutely loves Mr. Piggy, which of course just makes me very happy. :D

Unloading the car...looks thrilled

Awww...she loves the word "bear"

A little drooly...

Aimee with Carly in our dorm room (suppose i should take pics of our room too...once i clean...lol)

Took this pic before I realized she had my cell phone. LOL

Well, that's all for now. I'm hungry and have class in a few hours. I have more pictures though, so don't worry. :P

Short Story

2008-11-04T14:47:00.001-08:00

I wrote this short story for my creative writing class. I dunno what made me think of it...lol. And...after hearing my peer's thoughts, I want to take it further, expand on it, sooooo...we shall see! (I was obviously limited since it's a short story assignment. but i'm content with how it turned out, everyone read it the way i wanted and the questions they had left would be answered in a novel)

(The title i had i dislike...so...lol...for now...Untitled)

Her hands pressed uncertainly against her swollen belly. Her breath was coming in short, labored gasps. A stray tear made its way down her cheek and the saltiness burned her sensitive lips. Denise turned her gaze back to her husband, Mark. Her husband of 16 years; 16 difficult, childless years. The baby kicked her hands from inside, adding to her inward pain. Mark watched her closely, almost wondering if she was in labor, but knowing that this was quite different.
She turned to him slowly, her eyes searching his desperately for answers. “You lost your job?” He nodded. She dug her nails into the fabric of her shirt, angry with his curt reply. “So what are you going to do?”
He shrugged, but noting the fire in her eyes he said, “I suppose I’ll have to start looking for a new one.”
“You SUPPOSE?” She laughed bitterly. “Mark, this baby could come any day now, and we still don’t have a crib or anything!”
“I have to pay the rent before I buy a crib.”
“Which is why you need a job. You can’t go about this casually, we need money.”
“I don’t see you working,” he snapped back at her.
“I’m sick.”
“You’re pregnant.”
“And before that?” Mark grimaced. She knew he blamed himself for everything that had happened in their lives, and now he had gotten her pregnant when she was already at her weakest. Her hands started to shake now, and her head pounded to the beat of foreign drums. She got up awkwardly from the couch.
“Where are you going?” Mark demanded; as if he hadn’t been the one avoiding conversation before.
“I need Advil,” she muttered as she made her way to the tiny kitchen. Opening the medicine cabinet, her eyes fell instinctively to the dusty baby bottles in the corner. How long had they been sitting there, waiting for a baby to come? Ten years? More? Denise had lost track of the years it had been since her first failed pregnancy, it was just as well. She couldn’t live every day thinking of how old her non-existent children would be. After the first failure, Mark and she had still been confident that they could build the family they had always dreamed of. But the second was much harder. Denise recalled the pain of those days when she lost her babies as she downed the painkillers. One, the first baby hadn’t made it past a week. Two, their second barely made it to three months. The new baby kicked again, repeatedly, as if it disliked its mother’s painful memories. She smoothed her hands over her belly. It’ll be different this time, she told herself. She knew the statistics were not in her favor, but she had to hope.
Denise and Mark did not say anything to one another the rest of the night, instead sitting stiffly on opposite ends of the couch, mindlessly watching the evening news. As Denise curled up in their bed that night, she felt Mark roll over and run his hand along her side, and around her protruding stomach. The intimacy of the act startled her. He had done this with the first two pregnancies, but for 8 months he had not shown affection for this new baby. She put her hand on top of his, and they both jumped when the baby kicked. Denise rolled over to her other side and looked at her husband’s face. She smiled, feeling that finally he too was going to believe that this would work.
“Deni,” her heart swelled further at the old pet name. He propped himself up on an elbow and looked at her. His eyebrows were pulled into a sharp v over his eyes, contradicting her good feelings. “I just don’t think we should get our hopes up again.”
Denise didn’t know what to think. Her eyes welled up again with tears, and her hands clenched into angry fists. Mark watched as her face grew redder and redder as she held her breath, waiting for her hormones to calm down. Slowly, she exhaled, and rose from the bed in a trance. Mark sat up and watched her move about the room, aimlessly touching things, looking at random objects like the lamp with sympathy.
“Deni-”
“Don’t Mark,” she interrupted, startling him as she came out of her daze. She looked weary as she stood before him at the foot of the bed, her extra, extra, extra large t-shirt covering her to just above her knees, her brown hair in limp ringlets stuck to her sweaty face. Her eyes were wild as her mind raced through a book full of things she wanted to say to him right then. But what good would it do? After sixteen years of marriage, they might as well have been strangers. They had tried to keep their marriage together despite the hardships, the loss of the babies, but that didn’t mean they had had a good marriage. Now Denise felt, as she looked into the eyes of her husband, that she hardly knew the man before her, let alone the woman she had become.
“I have to go,” she said suddenly, surprising them both. But she knew it was true. It was time she left. Her mother’s words echoed back to her, “You need a more supportive environment. You come here whenever Mark gets to be too much for you!” She moved with purpose now, gathering a minimal amount of clothes and necessities into a small duffel bag, and changing into street clothes for the short journey.
“Don’t do this, you’re overreacting,” Mark said from his spot on the bed.
“I’m not playing around Mark,” Denise turned to him, her sickly pale face set in determination. “All you’ve done these last eight months is feel sorry for yourself for getting me pregnant, and make me feel guilty for suffering in your presence.” She could see that her words were cutting too close, but it was time she said something, and hurting him felt good. “We’ve held on to this marriage long enough. We can’t force ourselves to make it work.” The weight of what she was saying hit her too, and once more she felt herself giving in to her emotions. Between tears she whispered, “I’m sorry Mark,” and walked out of the apartment without a second thought.

“I’m so glad you came dear,” her mother said the next morning, setting a steaming cup of coffee before her. Denise smiled sheepishly. Her arrival the night before had been very unexpected, and after having cried to her mother for a few hours, and then getting some much needed rest, she felt as if it were time she went back to Mark. Her mother pulled back a chair and joined her at the small breakfast table. The window across from the table looked out on a tidy garden with blooming flowers and buzzing bees, the kind of garden Denise had dreamed of planting with her own children some day. Her far-off look did not escape her mother’s all-knowing eye.
“It’s never too late, baby,” she reached across the smooth oak surface and stroked her daughter’s hand lovingly. “I had given up hope of ever having children by the time I was pregnant with you.” Denise stared back at her mother.
“It’s not the same,” she whispered. It wasn’t that Denise had given up, it was that she was resigned to the fact that first, as the doctor’s told her and Mark, they should not try to get pregnant again, and then that she would not be able to have more children even if they tried. Her eyes fell to her belly where the baby squirmed in annoyance. Sometimes she swore the fetus was already getting a mind of its own.
“Just because it isn’t the same doesn’t mean I don’t understand, or that your situation is as hopeless as it seems,” her mother smiled lovingly, doing her best to soothe Denise’s long-held wounds.
“I’m too old for this,” Denise gestured to her stomach. Indeed, women having children at her age were often warned of the conditions their children could suffer from. She wasn’t old, but she should have been past the age of child-bearing. “And Mark and I-” she didn’t know how to finish.
“You and Mark have hung on long enough dear,” Denise’s mother leaned back in her chair, the morning light making her grey hair glisten like silver strands across her face. “No one would have blamed you two for getting a divorce before, and no one would blame you now. Plenty of couples fall apart after the loss of a child and you-”
“Have lost two,” she finished the statement she had heard all too often from friends and family. They both admired, and pitied her and Mark’s determination to keep their marriage going after the babies had died. Now that she was pregnant again, they were holding their breath, waiting for the impending divorce.
Her mother’s face hardened for a moment, but softened immediately, she preferred to remain joyful after too many years of pain. “You are always welcome here you know. I could set up a nursery in the quest room and you could sleep in your old room. It’ll be just like your college years, but with a baby.” Her eyes glistened with the prospect of having her only daughter living at home again.
Denise shook her head. “What if the baby doesn’t make it?” A bit of Mark’s pessimism had found its way into her. She was weary with hoping, and found herself sinking into a lonely pit of helplessness.
“Denise Nicole, if you ever let that’s man’s thoughts bring you down,” her mother muttered something under her breath and rose from the table, shuffling off to the kitchen to wash something. Denise’s eyes followed her mother out of the room, and her gaze hung on the empty doorway long after she had passed through. She knew her mother had never approved of her marriage to Mark. Of all people, she had been the one the most supportive of the idea of a divorce. But Denise had never let that thought cross her mind, until now. She sat alone at the small table, her coffee getting cold before her, the baby still inside her, and thought of how she had tried to make their relationship work, and how she must have failed. Were they really happy? And if this baby died too, would life continue on the same way, would they be able to keep picking up the pieces, hiding their brokenness from one another? A squirm from inside her, and she thought of another possibility; what if the baby did live? What if they started a family now? Could Mark pull himself together and get a job? Would they suddenly be the happy family they dreamed of being? Or would it be too hard for them at their age to run after a little one, to deal with the pressures of parenthood as they approached middle-age? Denise couldn’t imagine having to move in with her mother after all these years.
She fingered her wedding band mindlessly, trying to remember the last intimate moment she and Mark had shared. Since she found out she was pregnant this time, she couldn’t remember feeling close to Mark even once. He had been cold and distant, more so than she was accustomed to. No doubt, the fear of another failed pregnancy had taken its toll on him too, and his reaction to it was to close himself off from her, to distance himself from this thing that may not be. But Denise could not distance herself from the situation as he could. This baby was as much a part of her as the other two had been, and her maternal instinct told her to hold on to the hope that things would work out this time.
Denise wandered into the kitchen, where her mother was finishing scrubbing dishes, her mood very much alleviated. Denise leaned against the counters and watched her mother’s hands busy at work. Her hands were lined and withered with age, but Denise could remember a time when those hands were the strongest things that held her and the softest that soothed her. After she met and married Mark, he had been her stronghold, her comfort. They had been there for each other even after the loss of their two children, but the fear of losing a third was tearing them apart day by day. And if the baby didn’t make it? If their marriage didn’t end, any connection and intimacy they had ever had surely would.
“Mom,” Denise turned to look straight into her mother’s eyes. “I need to go home.” Her mother did not return her gaze, but Denise could see her eyes furrow at her words.
She took a deep breath. “I know you think he isn’t being supportive of me, but the truth is, I haven’t been very supportive of him either.” Her mother stopped and turned to her now. “I never even thought that he might be just as afraid as I am. I thought he was just being rude, or selfish, but the truth is, I haven’t been there for him like I should have. I’m his wife, and this is our baby, we can’t abandon each other.”
Denise’s mother laid her hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. “I’m proud of you baby. I don’t know how you and Mark have made it this far, but if you pull together, whatever happens, you’ll make it together.”
Denise smiled, for the time those words rang true. But when she arrived at her and Mark’s apartment, she worried that he might not agree. That would be the only thing that could tear them apart at this point.

----------------------------------------------------
Silence greeted her as she opened the door to the apartment. The lights were on in the living room, so she yelled Mark’s name a few times trying to locate him. “In here!” His voice came from down the hall. Denise paused in the doorway. The only room down that way was the abandoned nursery, and neither of them had been in there for years. Her heart pounded as she walked the few feet to the room. She gasped as she stood in the doorway to the nursery. The window was open and fresh air poured in, ruffling the lacy curtains her mother had made during the first pregnancy. Music played from a radio sitting in a corner, and next to the radio stood a crib. Denise surveyed the room for Mark. He was standing on the other side of the room, a brush and bucket in his hands. He smiled at her stunned expression and turned to the freshly painted wall behind him. “You wanted it in green, right?”
“Mark, I’m so sorry. I never-” but he didn’t give her a chance to finish. He laid down his bucket and brush, wiped his hands, gathered her in his arms, and silenced her with a kiss.

Fall Semester Art

2008-11-03T17:29:00.000-08:00

Here are some various things i have worked on. There's more I haven't photographed, and pictures don't do them justice....haha....pictures don't do my pictures justice...but anyway, here's a sampling of this semesters art projects...

I painted this for my friend, Hope, after a frustrating art assignment.

This is actually a collage I did AFTER my first one. I didn't like the first one (which will be shown soon), so I did a second. This one looks like it's own pic, like the images are supposed to be together, so it's really cool. I'm glad I felt like doing more than I had to. :P

This is only a part of a value drawing. There are...3 other images. I have to take a pic of the finished work, it's pretty cool if I may say so myself.

This was an interesting assignment. We had to do line drawing, and a "self portrait", and then we added land removed ines in the pic and- ta-da!

This was my first collage, hard to appreciate it from the glare...it looked ok, but I wasn't satisifed. :P

I should also update you guys on some writing. I'll post my short story for my creative writing class next. :) And then there are some important people in my life I need to introduce everyone to.

Redemption: installment 7

2008-09-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

(i must remind what readers i have... :P...that this is all rough. everything i post to this story is the first draft. so...it will be better later. but this is what i've got so far. :) check my other Redemption posts for the early parts of the story)

Curled under a blanket later that night, Joanne sat up watching her sleeping “comrades”. Immediately after she returned from the council hearing, Tene, Jabari and Rosemary had bombarded her with questions, which she shrugged off saying she was tired and needed to sleep. This was partially true, she had had little sleep before the council meeting, and the haunting feeling of sadness that had been eating away at her since seeing the images of Earth was draining her of energy. Now, everyone else was resting in the cool calm of the room which was illuminated by a soft, blue light from overhead. Strange shadows played across the floor and walls as the sleepers stirred, but Joanne’s eyes remained fixed on a blank piece of wall that was unaffected by the light, a black patch amongst the fading blues and grays. A scuffing noise to her right shocked her out of her trance and she jumped as something rubbed against her lightly. Joanne’s eyes slowly adjusted to the change in light, and she sighed with relief when she saw Chinue’s timid figure beside her. Joanne smiled faintly, the girl couldn’t have been more than thirteen or fourteen, she must have been frightened beyond all belief, and not being able to communicate with anyone-
“Are they sleeping?” Joanne’s mouth hung open in disbelief as Chinue gazed at the others warily. She turned her wide eyes back to Joanne’s. “I don’t want them to hear us,” she whispered.
Joanne closed her mouth, and stared at the girl, not knowing quite what to say. “Will you speak to me?” Chinue asked, pushing herself a bit closer to Joanne.
“Um, sure, I guess,” Joanne said; only realizing how rude that sounded after the words had escaped her lips. “I mean, of course, I just didn’t realize you spoke English!”
Chinue held a finger up to her lips and peered about the room again. She looked intently at Joanne and whispered, “The others cannot know,” Joanne nodded. She frowned in confusion and searched the girl’s eyes. “What is it?”
Chinue’s deep brown, almost black, eyes peered back at her from skin the color of charcoal, darker than Joanne’s chocolate brown pigment. “They want to destroy Earth, no?” Joanne nodded, wondering how much this quiet girl knew that she wasn’t sharing with anyone else. The girl’s face contorted into a strange grimace, her eyebrows furrowed, nose crinkled and mouth pulled tightly into a straight line. Joanne could suddenly see the girl crouched in the African plain, a spear in one hand, and look of concentration on her face as she watched her unsuspecting prey. The tiny girl no doubt had a strength and fierceness in her. Her voice was low and quiet as she explained to Joanne, “They cannot destroy Earth. I do not wish to speak to them, they are strange, unfeeling creatures, but you must stop them.”
“Why me?” Joanne knew the answer before she asked the question.
“They will only talk to us, and only you can give them what they need to stop.” Joanne didn’t understand the second part. Only she could give them what they needed to stop the destruction of Earth? How could that be? What did she have to offer but the color of her skin to these strange beings? Chinue recognized the confusion in her eyes. “I would have them destroy the earth, if not for my people left behind.” Her big eyes grew sad and weary. Joanna wondered how long she had been on the Myantide ship. “We are a peaceful people, and there are not many of us in my tribe. It’s the white man these creatures fear, the death and evil in the white man’s lives that they want to destroy.” Joanne felt a bit put out by her use of the term “white man” for Western culture. Were there not people of every race creating violence and “evil”? Then she realized, to Chinue, to her people, Joanne and every other Westerner was the same. “White man” referred to every American, European, or Western-minded culture, every man, woman, boy or girl who lived and acted in ways they and the Myantides termed “evil”. Chinue studied her face for a few minutes before continuing. “You must find something to save my people. I would have the rest of the world destroyed if I could only save my tribe and our way of life, but even that is an evil thought on its own.” Her sad eyes poured deep into Joanne, searching her eyes in return for some signal that she understood and would help.
Joanne hesitated. She did not enjoy being grouped together with the “white man” this girl despised so much, but she hated to admit that she was, besides race, no different from any other American. She had a decent home, electricity, complained about gas prices, wasted resources and paid little attention to the world around her, while Chinue and others like her struggled day-to-day to find food and shelter. “Ok,” she finally said. “I’ll do my best to find something to save your people, and mine,” she added, looking over the sleeping forms in the dark.
Chinue nodded her solemn thanks, and slipped away into the shadows. Joanne leaned against the wall, her eyelids drooped lazily and she drifted into sleep, hoping she could redeem the “white man” and herself in the girl’s eyes as well as save the entire planet.

What a Summer...

2008-08-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I know things don't always turn out how we plan, but, wow. This summer was nothing like I thought it would be.

I couldn't hold my job, I didn't get to see too much of my friends, and I'm STILL sick.

I had an MRI today. After all my doctors visits and all my medicine (which didn't make a big difference), I went to another ENT who actually knows what he's doing. He wanted a scan of my brain to check my nerves there and such, and tomorrow I have a 2 hour test on my inner ear. He thinks I may have lost the use of one of the labyrinths in my inner ear and that's making me dizzy, etc. If that's the case I'll probably need physical therapy. I just hope we can get some closure. School starts soon and I don't want to still be feeling droopy and lazy when it starts.

Luckily, I made sure my schedule was pretty simple.
I have 2 art classes, German, and a creative writing class, then another English class online.

Every day I want to write more and more...but I'm too lazy. My mind can't concentrate, I get dizzy even just sitting, and my creativity is kind of low right now. I'm hoping I can get better after all these tests and get back to my usual, bouncy, self. :)

It's hard knowing I'm leaving soon. I'm ready to be back in my dorm, I have a roommate this year which will be a whole new experience for me! I miss the freedom, I miss the COLD. Man, just a few months up there and I've gotten seriously sensitive to the heat down here.
But at the same time, I know I'll miss my friends and family. I wish I could bring them up there with me. Or, that I could have a quick transport back home if I wanted to just stop in and say hi. Too bad gas is so much and consequently airline tickets.

I keep praying that I'll get better. It doesn't help that my heart still hurts from being broken months ago. That wound may never completely heal, but at least I learned from it. Now, just to heal physically. I'm a little scared to tell the truth. Not having felt well since February worries me, and not knowing WHY is the worse. I kind of downplay how I feel. I really have gotten almost used to being dizzy, nauseus, etc, but that doesn't mean I can deal with it. It just means that if someone asks how I feel I say, "Ok", because I am "ok", until I get a headache, ear pain, etc, and the symptoms just escalate. I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with me, but it doesn't help to not have those kind of things off the list. The results of the MRI will definitely calm some of my nerves. I've wanted an MRI since March, but only this doctor recently has thought it was relevant.

I hate waiting.
And I hate packing. It's like I have to choose what things to take with me, what I need, and I never know WHAT I'll need really. And going through my stuff makes me sad as I remember each objects significance.

I mentioned that my heart hasn't quite healed from a recent break...I'm considering writing a book about it. It'd be easy. I have lots to go off of. :P
And maybe that would help me come to terms with things. Make it a little more...bearable.

Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading.

Chelle

MIghtier Than the Sword

2008-06-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

I have now setup a second blog, Mightier Than the Sword, to put my poems, lyrics, stories, and other writing projects out there for you to see a bit easier. If you were reading "Redemption", (sorry for the lack of update...again...), I will repost it there and put further updates on that blog. :)

Please read and comment! I will start out by posting some OLD stuff I found in a notebook, and we'll go from there.

Amazed by My Own Words...

2008-06-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

having a convo with a friend...and i'm totally in awe of my own words. Need to document them here for future reference...:)

X: im not sure i deserve anything though...only one really deserved and He wasnt even given the life He deserved, what makes us think we will be given a life we dont deserve?
Me: because He loves us and gave up His life so we could have life
it's not about deserving it
when you love someone, you want what's best for them, whatever it costs you
that's what He wants

____________________________

Me:and as far as hurting goes...well...we aren't in heaven...nothing is going to be easy
love is patient, kind, etc...and hurts like hell
lol
X: i know...but it works out for soooo many people...why am i so different, or you, it's not been exactly a picnic for you either, ............... why are we so much different than the rest??
Me: it's not easy for anyone, to be honest. some handle it better. that, and, God gives us the life He knows we can handle. somehow, we go through these trials for a reason. and sometimes we set ourselves up for them
all those hard questions will be answered when we see Him...and it'll make sense. right now, our minds can't comprehend the reasoning behind events in our lives though, and we just have to trust that He has our best in mind
and will carry us through the shitty times
X: but what if i fail? what if i find i cant handle it anymore, and cop out of life, then ill go straight to hell which im too afraid to do...afraid to live and afraid to die, what kind of like is that?
Me: i don't think people who commit suicide go straight to hell
if they are that desperate, they can't be thinking correctly
and why would you do that anyway? the world didn't end because your gf broke up with you
i know it sucks but...there's still life to live
and if she thinks you guys could get back together...well...there's hope left isn't there?
you have to cling to whatever hope you can find
that's what i think anyway

_____________________________________________________

X:so i invested time and energy into it...i trusted, is that a bad thing?
Me: of course not!
but when you do that, when you put yourself out there, you always run the risk of getting hurt
that's part of life. just by living, you run the risk of getting hurt
but by quitting, you lose out on all the wonderful things God has planned for you
remember, Christ suffered too, He can listen and help more than anyone
X: wonderful things? -looks around- i see a large desert, and looking into the past, i see one there too...maybe im being ungrateful, but im human and prone to it. im also learning that maybe the best form of self defense is preventative...to not put yourself in those situations to begin with
Me: that is an option. but i think you're ignoring a lot of the good things to have happened in your life. and that's easy to do, so i'm just going to give you time to take off your dark sunglasses and remember how blessed you are
it's easy to get lost in the bad, i know
i do it constantly no
now*
lol
but there are plenty of wonderful things, don't regret the good things
X: i only regret their sudden disappearance, not the things themselves
Me: well, this is how i think...each relationship i've had has been better than the last, and i just tell myself, God has something amazing in store for me...so if that wasn't it...it has GOT to be good!!!
lol
anything can be that way
if it goes, that's because you don't actually need it, and there must be something better
or because somehow your life needs to change
shrugs

____________________________________________________

Me: you can't fix everyone
He can
let Him do His job
you aren't superman

Me: He knows what's best, don't fight Him

Me: you don't have to move mountains
well, sometimes our questions can't be answered right away, or the answer is unclear in our minds

Me: maybe you need to learn to surrender your whole life, every aspect, to Him...to trust Him with the hard stuff

Me: i've said what i can...the last thing i can say is that none of us have or will suffer what Christ did, we can only be thankful that He took that for us, and that we have the chance to live, learn, love, and eventually be with Him
if life were supposed to be easy...what would be the point

More Conversations With My Momma...

2008-05-20T17:17:00.001-07:00

Daddy: "She's an attractor."
Momma: "A tractor?"

(convo about "Usher" dancers being on Dancing with the Stars...)
Me and Mel: "He's more of rap music..."
Momma: "Well, they should be Christian if they're ushers."

hahaha...I love you Momma! You make my day...

Conversations with My Mom...

2008-05-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Me: "Actually, only two guys have ever asked if they could kiss me."
Mom: "Who else?" (I had already mentioned one)
Me: "Scott."
Mom: "And after that there was another day?"
Me: "Another day? Oh, another date..."
Mom: "No, another day."
Me: "Yeah, people walk up to each other, ask for a kiss, and then never see each other again."

Mel: "I hope I'm not doomed to be like you, hardly date and not even know how a kiss works."

Me: "Yeah, you barely kiss Daddy."
Mom: "He has bad breath!"
Mel: "Well, suck it in!"
Me: "WHOA! I don't wanna see them doing that!"

Me: "I honestly wonder how you had two children without even knowing how a kiss works."
Mom: "God works in mysterious ways!"
Me: "Our dad must of snuck up on her..."
Mom: "No, I plan everything."
Me: "That must mean they only had it twice..."
Mel: "That's gross."

Stability and Your Prayers Please

2008-05-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ever get so overwhelmed by life, that you just wish one thing would be...I don't know...normal? Sane? Stable?
But it seems like, whenever one thing goes wrong, a million other things crumble in around you, and even the smallest crack will seem bigger, just because we're already hurting.

That's me right now. I'm just praying for stability, no more running around, no more lost-and-found...
if i had the energy or enthusiasm i'd write something with those words

"no more run-around,
no more lost-and-found"

but my mind stops there. my head hurts, and i know i'm going to be crying soon which will make it worse.
today i cried about something i thought i was over. but, obviously i'm not. i could've figured that out, but i guess i was denying that, trying to hide from my true feelings on the issue, my real fears.

i'm just so...frustrated. i've had a rough year. and at this time in my life, i'm in transition, leaving my parent's and making my own life, so it's hard...especially hard to know where it's best for me to be when i'm so...desperate.

one thing i can say...i need someone's arms to hold me. and the sad thing is, i can only think of one person who would really understand my pain right now...but he isn't even real.

(no, not God...lol...i mean a person. someone...i had help imagining...but it doesn't matter now...)

sorry to sound depressed. but that's my reality right now.
nothing makes sense. nothing has gone..."right"...or at least...not very well.

well, i did pass my classes. and considering i wasn't in classes for like, 3 months, almost the whole semester, that's pretty good!

but it's upsetting that so much of my life was interuppted, destroyed really...

and now, bit by bit, i find it disappearing more.

pray for my family. we have to put our precious dog to sleep this week. It'll be ten years this summer that we've had her, and we've been so blessed.
i don't regret finding her at all. :) and i will say, it's because of me she even got to this point today in our lives. i wasn't going to leave the Humane Society without a dog...my family had already left the kennels...and I was soooo sad...then I saw her...Spice...my precious baby girl. :P
i don't think we could have had a better dog all these years. she's a sweetheart. and so beautiful.
she will definitely be missed.

so, please pray for her pain to ease, and for her to have a safe delivery to Heaven to wait for us with Chipper...lol.
and pray that those who love her with all their hearts...like i know i do...will be ok...

chelle

She hates cameras, but I have managed to occasionally snap a pic or two. :)

Gunnar, Tolkein, and Lewis

2008-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

It's been like walking into the Lord of the Rings or the Chronicles of Narnia around here. Both those guys must've traveled in Norway.I keep expecting to run into hobbits, dwarves, elves, etc. Well, guess I've seen the hobbit - every morning in the mirror!! Ha! Stilldon't Took is the name, I think. (dense fellow from birth, thus "stilldon't" as in "he stilldon't get it, does he?")Suppose somone got an idea from this picnic table, too?

Gunnar Strikes Again

2008-05-06T11:10:00.001-07:00

Good morning to you ladies, it's 2:15 pm here. The sky is clearing and we're getting some sunshine for the first time since arriving.I did my keynote speech this morning at 8:15, it seemed to go OK, I didn't run out of things to say ;). Guess that's no surprise to any of you.
Walked up to the old church on the hill, there's several graves with Lunde, so could be relatives of the family that farmed at Buxton, ND, Grandpa Al's mother's family.
A man was mowing in the cemetary and told me that "Lunde" is very common in Norway, though, so could be like being named Smith and they may not be any relation.
Interestingly, he did know that many families from this region did emmigrate to North Dakota, but someone told him some misinformation because he thought they stopped in ND for the mountains! Ha!
The church also has a old stone Celtic cross from about 1000 AD, was done near the water on the current site of the hotel, moved to the church about 100 years ago. So that's cool, dates back to the conversion of the Vikings. Wow.
Hardly slept at all last night, the jet lag seems worse now than ever, which is backwards, but I'm trying to stay up all day today so that I sleep tonight

Gunnar Cont. and Pics

2008-05-04T15:27:00.001-07:00

Haha...just got a reply from him...

Hey! I was about to yell at you for stayin up so late, but it's only 5:20 pm over there - now I have to yell at myself!!:)It's very giant here - now wonder they thought of giants and trolls and all that stuff, people just seem like little ants running around in this country with several thousands of feet of mountains and snow sticking practically straight up from the valleys or the fjords. Take good care of yourself this last week - only 1 final? I could've used you here, maybe German is enough like Norwegian some words would've made sense.Is it as expensive in Germany? They wanted to sell me a $180 shirt yesterday! Even 1 pair of underwear was like $20. No wonder Scots don't wear anything under their kilts. Oops, I'm getting silly now. I better finish my note to Lynn and Gary and GO TO BED.

so, sounds like he's keeping in touch with his brothers, which is good. :)

hopefully he found some kind of underwear...i won't ask...:P

The Adventures of Gunnar Roalsvik

2008-05-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

Hello all! Since my life at this point is rather boring, all I'm doing is cleaning and packing and sorting what I'm keeping at Grandma's and what I'm taking home...I've decided to dedicate sometime to a relative of mine who is on an exciting adventure of his own!
My dear old father :P
He's in Norway to be a speaker at a convention. How cool is that? So, here are some of his recent accounts of his adventure thus far...(these are from his emails to his girls. he has no clue i'm doing this...haha)

Friday, May 02, 2008
We were very late leaving Houston. Just got to Newark and caught the scariest electric cart ride ever across the terminal and got to my gate just as they called for elite boarding on my flight, so not even time to use the bathroom before getting on the plane. But I made it. Whew.Excitement.
Have a good night, I hope to sleep on the plane. Very funny recorded instructions being played in Norwegian right now.

Saturday, May 03, 2008
finally got to a computer that i can use here at the Oslo airport hotel. it's almost 8 pm here now, we left Newark only a few minutes late, which I found out was bad when we got here because my rolling garment bag with all my clothes and my jackets did not make it. So i took the express train down to oslo and had to try to find some clothes. they are ridiculously expensive here, i finally foung a real ugly zipper sweatshirt for 12 dollars and two shirts for 20 each. that's all the clothes i have right now besides what I'm wearing and this norwegian keyboard is driving me crazy. i'm going looking for toothpaste and a razor now, might not find them as there is hardly anything here around the hotel off of the airport grounds. this place is way out in the country really the boonies crazy but truly an adventure more later i hope then to bed for the bus ride tomorrow hopefully the hotel at Loen, being a resort hotel, will be more helpfuly, and hopefully my bag will come on tomorrow's plane and Continental will send it on to Loen

Sun, May 4, 2008
Hello from Loen, Norway, at the Alexandra Hotel. We took about 8.5 hours to drive up the main valley of Norway, then west up and up a smaller valley until we were above the trees and only snow and rocks all around, then down thru 3 long tunnels, 4.5km, 4km and 4.5km, then out into another narrow, deep valley and down and around a whole series of switchbacks to the bottom, then followed the snow melt river down to the lake and around the end of another mountain to the fjord and hotel. What a trip. I've take a lot of pictures, 202 so far on a card that holds 999, but my battery is down to only 1/3 and my bag has still not shown up. Thought my spare battery was in there, but wonders! I have my spare battery in my computer bag - so yay! More pictures tomorrow.
Norway looks a lot like Colorado, or western Montana, or Idaho or Washington. The really big valley where the airport is looks more like Minnestoa, pine and birch trees.
And did you know the dandelion is a wildflower? At least over here.
Attached are 3 views to the west, southwest and southeast from my hotel room this evening when I arrived. Also a few views coming down from the snow covered mountain pass.

(the above mentioned pics will be in my next post...in like...a few minutes :P)

Life's Cruel Irony

2008-04-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

hmm...i hate being right.

Every time a boy has broken up with me, i've had this horrible gut wrenching feeling that something bad was going to happen waaaaay before the guy even knew!
This was no different.

I'm starting to think that, God just doesn't want me in any kind of romantic relationship right now. Which hurts a lot, I like being with people and...i've cared deeply about 2 guys in the past few years...Beagle and now CJ...I guess i cared too deeply.

the funniest part is...the way or reason he broke it off is pretty much what i told Beagle.

i have been talking to beagle lately. we're on good terms. he still likes me...*rolls eyes*...but i really just need a friend. i can't do the long distance thing. and...i think this is some divine sign that...i'm not meant for these kinds of things.

somehow, i'm a lot of guy's "perfect girl", but i can't find that one "perfect guy"...so while guys are out there saying they'll come for me, they love me, and they will be with me one day because we are "meant to be"...i'm cursing myself for being so damn caring about other people...and asking God if there's even ANYONE out there for me. actually...i'm asking if i could just have ONE...i don't want this whole multiple guys think i'm the perfect one for them. i just want that one person i can talk to, be with...

and i had him...twice...and lost him...twice...

maybe i really will run off and be a nun. or...live on my own private island.

yes, i'm being dramatic. :P

but really, it's ironic. i wanted to sort out my life, so i broke up with Beagle. now CJ wants to sort out his, so he's breaking up with me.
and somehow he still thinks we'll eventually be together.

screw that. i'm going to be alone and lost and...i can't wait my whole life for love!

i know...i'm young. i know...i'll move on. and yes i know...there are plenty of other guys.

i'm just very confused...and even more lonely than before.

my ears are still bugging me, i can't sleep well at night i tend to sleep until the afternoon...i have a wacko appetite, i can't concentrate on anything...i'm falling apart and i have no one to hold/catch me.

and if anyone dares to tell me i'm being dramatic, that'll i'm young and will get over it...well...let me tell you now, just because i'm young doesn't mean i don't, or didn't, have dreams, and just because i'll eventually get over it doesn't mean i can handle it on my own now.

i know i'll be ok. i realize i have plenty of life ahead of me. but it is hard when dreams die. especially when i have no one really here. it's just hard people, and if you can't accept that...well...don't even speak to me right now.

not to be rude but...those things make it worse, hearing it makes me feel more stupid and just increases my depression.

so, here i am, where i wanted to be before. alone. to figure out my life.

but what's there to figure out? i figured out that i loved so much, trusted so much, and had it all broken apart...
now do i just figure out how to live on my own?

i always believed God put desires in your heart because they were meant to be there. i figured he put my desire for a husband and a close relationship there because it was meant to be there.
but each time i come close, i get burned, and my dreams die.
i can't take that any more.
so this "desire" to find my "missing piece"...well...i found it and now it's gone...so...i'll just learn to live alone. i'm young, i'll get used to it.

dramatically yours,
chelle

Easter Pictures

2008-04-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone even looks at this any more. I can't blame them...I don't post much. sorry
but...here are some pics from my Easter break over with CJ and his family

So, there's his dad, his sis, CJ, and me...blinking of course...lol...all ready for Easter dinner with our bunny ears!!! Hahaha...

And here we are. Cute ain't we?

And these are his parents...

CJ and I went out and launched rockets...I think it was that Saturday...maybe Monday...not Sunday though...lol

I launched a rocket! And broke it!!! This is CJ holding my beautiful work. hehe That'll teach him to let me play with his toys. *Hey, daddy, think I'm ready to work at NASA now? ;)*

So then CJ launched his hand-made rocket...and broke it. :P Not a good day for rocket launching...

Some more pics of his bent up rocket

Hehe...I love this pic. He's not actually sleeping. He was talking and blinked at the right moment...or else his eyes were just closed...that's probably how I was able to sneak out my camera. And that's my chickie, Pom-pom, that I got in my Easter basket

And here's Pom-pom modeling my stylish bunny ears!

Oink Joint Road...???...We didn't stop to let Mr. Piggy smoke...though he did ask...:P

(if you don't know...Mr. Piggy (full name Herr Piggily Squiggly) is my little pig, formerly my older sister's, who travels EVERYWHERE with me. Surprised I haven't put pics up of him...hmmm...now there's a thought...:P)

And...we're finally going out for my b-day! In the pic...not now...lol.

Funny story about that...we went to Applebee's, and we ordered our drinks...and they said they wanted to see our IDs...???...for iced tea and...he either got iced tea too or some kind of coke...soda...pop...GAH...back to my story...we were like...um...we want NON-alcoholic drinks...and the waiter goes...OH...lol...but the WHOLE NIGHT the servers thought we had or wanted alcohol...haha...I thought, COOL, I just turned 19 but I look legal! hehe. There were a lot of college students across the restaurant, probably drinking, so obviously they assumed we would too...but it was so funny! Asking for my ID with an iced tea...and I've never been presumed to be OLDER than I am...not in a restaurant anyway...some people say I act older...HAHAHA...that's because I work for them :P

but...I thought that was pretty humorous. Iced tea...CJ and I have stories about iced tea...there's never really a dull moment when we're together...haha...so beware if you ever spend time with the two of us together...one isn't so bad...but both? trouble is bound to happen...I think we're kind of like Jesse and Rebecca on Full House...terminally doomed to love and be goofy. :P

Safe Haven (GNTW Entry #1)

2008-04-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Hey!

So, I am on this online game/chat site, and I am part of a writing contest on it. Actually, they have lots on there, so that's cool...the one I'm in now is called "Gaia's Next Top Writer".

This is my entry for our first "challenge". We were supposed to pick one (or more) of four pictures they gave us of people (anime people...lol). These pics had no background, so for our challenge, we had to describe the character's living space, their "background" imagery.

This is the pic I chose, and my entry. ;) Not my best writing, but...I'm sick and almost thought about quitting this...but i'll either hang in or get "kicked off" so whatever. :P

Safe Haven (Image 1)

Tobi threw her bag into the room ahead of her, shut the door behind herself, and slumped with a heavy sigh onto the floor. A tentative, “Mrow”, sounded from under her bed as two beady black eyes peeked out at her.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” Tobi crouched onto the plush green carpet, she liked to imagine it as grass beneath her bare feet sometimes, and coxed her kitten, Mooki, out from his hiding place. Mooki’s tiny paws and legs almost disappeared completely within the thick carpet, making him look like a floating body as he made his way into Tobi’s outstretched arms. Scooping him up close to her face, Tobi sneezed violently, once more frightening Mooki who dug his claws into her arm. Wincing in pain, she stroked his back reassuringly and peeked under her bed. Sure enough, everything she had stashed under there, posters, old dolls, candy wrappers, and other useless treasures, was covered in a thin layer of dust, making the underside of her bed look almost like a winter wonderland. She briefly considered cleaning, but something outside her window caught her attention. A small ray of sunshine had found its way through the clouds and hit her window pane in such a way as to make the glass glisten with the promise of clear skies. Tobi pressed her forehead against the smooth glass and sighed wistfully, fogging up a small circle of glass. Raindrops trickled past her eyes as she looked out at the dreary scene below. One of the downsides to living in Seattle, Washington, at least for Tobi, was the almost constant rain. Despite having a “boyish” name, Tobi was a girly-girl through and through. To make up for the lack of sun in her life, Tobi had had her room painted in a cheery, sunshine yellow with pink and blue flower trimming when she was 5 years old. Eleven years later, the colors still appealed to her. Her bed was covered in a soft, lacey coverlet that her grandmother had embroidered with pink and yellow roses, and she kept a pair of hand-sewn dolls propped against her pillows. On those rare occasions when the sun was shining, Tobi could pull back her rose colored curtains and everything in her room would glisten.

Upon entering her room, one might assume one was in a small child’s room. The bright colors and flowers gave a very light, innocent feel to the space. One of the few signs of her actual age was Tobi’s desk. Her desk sat on the other side of the window from her bed, angled toward the corner of the room so as to take up a bit more space. Her hand-me-down Macintosh computer sat amongst stacks of school books and papers consisting of homework, doodles, and notes that had been passed during class time. The desk was white and, of course, had small painted daisies scattered about to decorate the drawers. A solitary picture frame stood to the right of the monitor, a simple black frame, holding a picture of a small child and a woman laughing in a park. It was the only photograph Tobi had in her room, and it was her most treasured. She let out a sigh as she looked at it now, the smiling faces beaming up at her from behind the messy pile of homework she still had to complete. Mooki began to squirm in her arms, so she dropped him to the ground and he scampered off to his cat bed. Tobi had gotten creative with her placement of Mooki’s sleeping space. In the first few weeks she had him he had slept with her, but after a few nights of rolling over and being clawed in the face she decided it was time to give him a place of his own. A small bookcase stood to the left of her bed, a simple vase of plastic flowers sat on top, a row of devotional books and a Bible occupied the top shelf, and on the bottom, curled into a tight ball, Mooki was curled up in his blue and white checkered cat bed. This was a much better solution than having his bed placed somewhere on the floor where it was liable to be stepped on, and he was close enough to Tobi at night that if either one of them got lonely they could easily find the other.

The thin stream of sunlight from her window fell on a small column of books on her shelf across the room. In her younger years that space had been occupied by a doll house, and a small table with matching chairs and a play tea set. Now, a white bookshelf that matched her desk stood there, reaching from floor to ceiling, but only taking up about a fourth of the wall space. Tobi’s reading chair, a bowl-like purple seat that was big enough to curl up in with the pink fleece blanket she had draped over the side, sat to the bookshelf’s right in the corner. Tobi’s retro flower lamp sat in between the two. There were three separate flowers with their own bulbs that could be angled wherever the user chose. Tobi had turned the lower most one, a yellow flower, down to her reading chair, the middle one, a pink flower, shone on her bookshelf, and the top purple flower pointed toward her bed. At night, Tobi could turn on her lamp, turn the other lights off, and have just enough light to curl up with a good book, place it back on the shelf, and find her way back to her bed. A lot of times during winter this was exactly what she did, and she usually had a cup of hot cocoa or tea with her. Right now an empty mug sat by the chair, another reminder of the cleaning she needed to do.

Mooki suddenly flashed by, disappearing behind the beaded divider Tobi had set up to her bathroom. There was no question what he had to do. Tobi’s bathroom, or her sink at least, was connected to her room. An opening about the size of her bedroom door connected the two along the wall her desk and chair were nearest. Flower beads, mostly from Mardi Gras, hung down to the floor as a sort of division between the two spaces. Tobi pushed back the beads now, surveying her bathroom, and being careful not to look under the sink. A full length mirror ran across the counter that held her sink, and all her necessities. Makeup bags littered the countertop, and an old ballerina music box stood open, jewelry spilling forth from its mouth. Tobi had given her mother a bit of a break on decorating the bathroom, and had tropical fish wallpaper put up. Her towels, one of which hung to her right as she looked at the mirror, were simple white cloth with swimming fish on the edges. A door to her right was closed, meaning her sister was currently using the toilet. That door, along with her bedroom door, marked the end of Tobi’s “territory”. She counted herself blessed to have her own sink and mirror, sharing a shower and toilet wasn’t half as bad when she could come in here and finish her daily preparations in peace. To Tobi’s left was another door, this one slightly ajar, leading to her walk-in closet. Tobi never thought of herself as spoiled, but if she needed a reason to, that closet was it. All her clothes hung neatly on the racks, or were folded on top of the shelves. Games were stacked on the very back shelf, easy to get to if she or her sister wanted to race in and grab something, and all of her shoes were hung on the shoe rack she had lovingly hung on the back of the door. Tobi didn’t much care about clothes, but shoes were her favorite. She had a wide variety of sandals, boots, and heels, and two pairs of sneakers for gym. What she couldn’t fit on the rack on her door, she laid out neatly underneath the hanging clothes so she could easily slip them on and go.

Mooki gently rubbed against her leg, letting Tobi know he was done with his business and she should do hers. Directly under her sink were cabinets which contained extra toilet paper, shampoo, her hairdryer, etc. In one cabinet door however, a small kitty-door had been cut out, similar to the one on the front door of their house. Behind there lay Mooki’s litter box. It was less of an eye sore here, and just as his bed, not liable to be stepped on or in. Tobi cleaned it now, knowing Mooki was picky about a tidy box.

Suddenly, her watch beeped. Tobi glanced at it and sighed. It was 5:30, time to go get dinner started. She quickly rinsed off her hands in her sink, and then brushed past the beads to her room. Glancing longingly one last time at the fading sunlight coming through her window, she opened the door and left her sanctuary, eager to come back soon.

Too Much Pain

2008-04-09T13:40:00.001-07:00

I'm lucky there's only about a month left of school and then i get to go home.

Last August, I was so free, life felt good. College seemed great, classes weren't impossibly challenging, I was making friends, and I felt good being on my own. Of course I missed friends and family back home, but I was happy where I was.

Now, I'd give anything to just be home, surrounded by my family and friends, in the comfort of my own home, knowing i don't have to take care of myself.
right now, i just can't do it. i don't care if anyone thinks i'm weak, or pathetic, because i am. right now i really am.

In August, making it on my own was possible, it was wonderful...now it's just...too much. I don't want to be alone. I'm too sad, too hurt and scared.

I can't believe it's come down to this. I was so excited about moving far away, starting my own life...but now that life has just vanished from my grasp.

I could have done it...I could have made great grades, worked and made money, had fun and gotten close to people...and I did that some...but life got in the way and messed the rest up.

That's not how it's supposed to be for me. I don't know why I ever thought it would be fun, or easy. Not that it was completely...but it isn't at all now. My life is a nightmare...I'm so disappointed in myself...even though I know it's not my fault...

I'm torn between taking care of myself physically and trying to just finish out the semester.

The only things that really matter to me in the long run are my writing...and holding out until I can live my dreams with...him...again.
And getting better and going home. But that's not in the long run is it...

Sorry I sound really depressed...it's just because I am.

I realize I have friends and family up where I am too...but I need the ones who know me the most/best. I need some sort of comfort and stability right now. People who won't judge me, who won't tell me "Oh, it's not a big deal, you'll get over it", who will let me cry when I need to cry. People who won't say I'm giving up, who will help me get better physically, emotionally, whatever ways I need...and help me follow my dreams, whatever they may be.

Most of all I need someone who knows me better than anyone has ever known me, who can finish my sentences, my every thought...who shares my dreams and believes in the same things I do, the one I found who changed me back to who I was, not who others wanted me to be and I thought I should be. But, that's gone for now.

A piece of me has died, or so it feels.

Please, don't tell me "it'll be all right, things will get better, etc" i know they will. it's just...right now...i hurt...

and i'm trying...i really am...but i can only do so much...

well, time to clean my room. it's an absolute mess. i need to figure out what i'm storing away for next year, what i'm taking home for the summer, and what i'm throwing out.

maybe i can just throw out all these bad feelings and memories...no...that's too easy. if i could do that, i would have throw away being sick the minute i was...and i'd like to think...that's what started all this. thank you mono and ear infection. you have successfully infected my body, and entire life.

Various Pics...From March

2008-04-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

19th B-day Cake

Also Grandma's FIRST EVER CARROT CAKE (to bake)...who woulda thunk it?

Happy B-day To Me...From My School UND...HAHAHA

All Pinked Out!!! Stef sent me a CUTE piggy and shirt for my b-day. CJ's wearing a V-day shirt from his mom.

Broken Glasses in the Dining Center...yeah...I don't know how they missed those and put them in with the other glasses...*rolls eyes*...but CJ found both of them of course. ;p

Glasses that look like that should be thrown out...just a thought...

April Fool's

2008-04-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

Great April Fool's Jokes

How was everyone's April Fool's Day? I myself didn't have any pranks pulled on, but CJ and I did some "mischief making" of our own. We made candy melts, very cute ones if I may say so myself, and put chocolate laxatives in them!

Disclaimer: We made "safe" ones, non-laxative containing, for my dorm. The "dangerous" ones were given out to people on his floor.

And as far as I know no one was really affected...that or they're too embarrassed to say anything...lol

Anyway...I've been behind on my posting...so...i thought I'd catch up with some pics, which will be in the next post because it's easier to post pics and then type...but i didn't think about that...lol

Redemption Installment 6

2008-02-19T18:26:00.001-08:00

*this is long overdue...I know. my apologies...*

*going back a bit...the council meeting...*

The next day, Joanne lost what she had been so sure of. Clad in a black robe with a deep blue sash, she seated herself between Teka and the dark woman whom she had been told to call “Giaga”, which Joanne assumed to be the equivalent to “queen” or “empress”, or something of very high status. The council meeting was taking place in a private ship quite similar to the one she had seen Giaga exit from the day before. The entrance to the ship was the entrance to the meeting room, which was the ship. Plush seats lined the curved walls and already a couple hundred people of various shades of blue were seated. A floating council, Joanne thought as more people entered and took their places. She wondered if they would actually be flying during the meeting.
As the meeting began, Joanne lost all confidence in herself and began to shake in her seat. She hadn’t felt this way since high school speech class. The immense size of the room and the huge number of people, Myantides, occupying it frightened her in a way she couldn’t explain. She soothed herself with thoughts of her friends and family, and all that she knew that was good in her life. Maybe it wasn’t spectacular, but it was something worth fighting for. Wasn’t it?
Giaga rose regally after a pale blue man had led the group in a series of clicks she assumed was the standard beginning to every meeting. Giaga’s voice filled the room with ease. Joanne sat amazed at the power this woman had over her audience. Every eye in the room was focused on her, and though she couldn’t understand anything that was being said, Joanne too found herself mesmerized. After a few urgent clicks from Giaga, Joanne found herself caught up in a great silence. Slowly it dawned on her, Giaga was done speaking. And every eye was now on her. Joanne blushed profusely, looking from Giaga to Teka for an explanation.
“You are expected to speak now,” Teka said flatly as if this should have been completely obvious to her. Dazed, she rose from her seat and made the mistake of looking into a million pairs of eyes. Heart racing, her palms filling with sweat, Joanne turned wide eyed to Giaga. The woman gazed back with placid eyes and took her seat, pushing something on the side of Joanne’s armrest as she did. Almost simultaneously, an invisible force field seemed to take hold of her. At first it was if her lungs were being squished underneath a steam roller, but gradually the pressure lifted, though Joanne could still feel some eerie, supernatural presence about her.
Joanne cleared her throat, jumping as the sound echoed all around her. Nothing moved. She looked down at Giaga with wide eyes, but the woman’s attention was focused somewhere in front of her. Joanne swallowed hard, and tried to think of how to begin. “Um-” her voice came back to her a million times louder than it needed to be. What in the world is going on? She thought, feeling her heart race a mile a minute. “I think-I think you are making a mistake destroying Earth,” brilliant, Joanne scoffed. Now what? Empty silence hung over the whole ship. Joanne felt herself blush and was thankful for her dark skin tone. Smiling sheepishly, she went on. “There’s so much you don’t know about us, I’m sure you really don’t want to just blow us up!” She laughed half heartedly, her voice echoing back feebly. “What I mean is; there’s really no good reason to get rid of us forever. I’m sure things aren’t as bad as you think they are.”
From across the dome, a figure rose slowly and bowed gracefully in her direction. A strong female voice rang out in a series of clicks. Teka tugged on her robe. “She asks for your permission to speak.” Joanne was startled that someone needed her permission to speak. She nodded, and then realized the woman probably couldn’t see that small movement. “You-you may speak,” Joanne stammered, lowering herself back into her chair. Teka immediately pushed her back up though. “You must stay risen,” he murmured.
The woman across the room, who was a slight shade lighter than Giaga but darker than Teka, was gesturing wildly with her arms and clicking rapidly. Joanne wondered why she had to stand and why this woman couldn’t speak English if she was trying to communicate with her. Finally, she did. “Miss Mitchell,” Joanne jumped at the mention of her name. “If I may, I have evidence supporting our cause.” Joanne nodded. “Go on,”
Slowly; the room became darker, except for in the very center of the arena, where a huge glowing cube materialized. Joanne watched in fascination as the cube rose from the ground to dangle in the exact center of the dome and rotated as if suspended on a single axis. Images began appearing on the cube, moving pictures that covered the four sides of the cube exposed to the audience. It was like a huge revolving television screen. Joanne stood awkwardly as she saw people going about their daily lives before her. A woman pushed a shopping cart with a crying baby, an old man struggled down the street as cars honked their horns at him in frustration. At first the clips were short and random, but then a clicking narration began and Teka whispered from below her as it went on.
“The humans began as a culture not so different from ours,” Joanne watched as an African woman gathered berries with a child strapped to her back. “But as their intelligence and awareness increased, so did their violence,” now a small child was being beat up on the playground. “For years we have studied these beings and taken into account that their brutish behavior was due to a different evolutionary course than ours,” now a Myantide city showed. The buildings were tall and regal looking, shimmering in the light of the Myantide sun. People of various colors walked back and forth, purposely ignoring one another on the streets. Then Joanne saw a row of black children sitting on a platform as green, red, and blue adults danced around them and clothed them in extravagant garments. “Not only did the humans become violent, they became self destructive,” a cross on a lawn appeared as five figures clad in white hoods and robes shouted and lit it with torches. Joanne flinched. “It is no longer in their best interest, or ours as scientists and a just race, to let them continue their way of life. They are poisoning their bodies,” a group of teenagers was shown, smoking and drinking in a club. Many of the Myantides began to fidget in discomfort. “And their minds. Even their young ones are becoming corrupt,” two young boys were playing a violent video game and laughing and cursing. Joanne frowned, not understanding where this was going. “The humans are a destructive race and need our help to be controlled and start anew,” Joanne’s heart beat rapidly and her stomach began to lurch as the Myantides around her clicked and hissed in displeasure at the new images being presented.
A mother held her small child and shook it violently; a man hit a woman forcefully, throwing her against a wall; a man with a gun shot at a woman and young child in the middle of a busy street, and then turned the gun on himself; bombs exploded in a residential area, and the image zoomed in on the charred body of a small boy. Tears came to Joanne’s eyes as the images continued to grow worse and worse. Some of them were even familiar things she had seen on the news, things she had ignored as common place, but now saw to be the true, horrible, destructive nature of her kind. Sinking into her seat, Joanne wept quietly to herself. Now helpless people ran back and forth, a starving child picked at scabs on his body, and Joanne covered her eyes in shame. She couldn’t think of one good thing about Earth now. Everyone she knew had somehow been affected by senseless violence, whether physical or emotional, and she started to feel that maybe these Myantides were right, maybe humans shouldn’t be allowed to continue on this way.
Light once more illuminated the dome, and the giant cube mysteriously disappeared. Almost gently, Teka’s hand pressed on her back, urging her up from her seat. In the following silence, all eyes shifted back to Joanne’s now shaky figure. She stifled her cries as pain raced through her veins. A million thoughts, emotions, and memories, coursed through her, eerie remnants of the strange “film” she had just seen. Calmly, as if nothing had just happened, the woman across the dome asked, “Do you have anything to say in defense for your people, Miss Mitchell?”
Silence hung in the air like a thick fog, smothering her lungs and clouding her mind. Slowly, Joanne tried to push away the cobwebs that had covered her mind, but she still could not speak. Nothing seemed to make sense any more. She was disgusted by her own people, confused and ashamed, but most of all, broken from the harsh reality that the images and narration had been right, humans were a self-destructive and vile race.
Giaga rose regally to stand beside her. Joanne swallowed hard, searching for something to say, but Giaga came to her rescue. Of course, Joanne could hardly know this. The clicks and whistles escaping Giaga’s lips meant next to nothing to her. She waited in anticipation as the swarm of Myantides around her clicked back and forth, finally quieting down, leaving only Giaga and the blue woman who had spoken before clicking to each other from opposite ends of the dome. Abruptly, the paler blue woman sat down, her lips spread into a thin smirk. Giaga turned to Joanne who listened eagerly. “We have agreed to allow you two weeks in which to find something worth keeping your people alive. If in that time you cannot persuade the council to show mercy on your people, Earth will be destroyed. However,” Giaga smiled gently at her. “If you come up with ample proof that yours is a race worthy of life, we will return you and your comrades to your homes.”
Joanne smiled stiffly and nodded her thanks to Giaga. The council meeting seemed to end then, Myantides rose and exited all around her, but Joanne hardly noticed. She could only think of one thing, how impossible it would be to find one thing to forgo Earth’s destruction, and in two weeks.

Curled under a blanket later that night, Joanne sat up watching her sleeping “comrades”. Immediately after she returned from the council hearing, Tene, Jabari and Rosemary had bombarded her with questions, which she shrugged off saying she was tired and needed to sleep. This was partially true, she had had little sleep before the council meeting, and the haunting feeling of sadness that had been eating away at her since seeing the images of Earth was draining her of energy. Now, everyone else was resting in the cool calm of the room which was illuminated by a soft, blue light from overhead. Strange shadows played across the floor and walls as the sleepers stirred, but Joanne’s eyes remained fixed on a blank piece of wall that was unaffected by the light, a black patch amongst the fading blues and grays. A scuffing noise to her right shocked her out of her trance and she jumped as something rubbed against her lightly. Joanne’s eyes slowly adjusted to the change in light, and she sighed with relief when she saw Chinue’s timid figure beside her. Joanne smiled faintly, the girl couldn’t have been more than thirteen or fourteen, she must have been frightened beyond all belief, and not being able to communicate with anyone-
“Are they sleeping?” Joanne’s mouth hung open in disbelief as Chinue gazed at the others warily. She turned her wide eyes back to Joanne’s. “I don’t want them to hear us,” she whispered.
Joanne closed her mouth, and stared at the girl, not knowing quite what to say. “Will you speak to me?” Chinue asked, pushing herself a bit closer to Joanne.
“Um, sure, I guess,” Joanne said; only realizing how rude that sounded after the words had escaped her lips. “I mean, of course, I just didn’t realize you spoke English!”
Chinue held a finger up to her lips and peered about the room again. She looked intently at Joanne and whispered, “The others cannot know,” Joanne nodded.

Sculpture

2008-02-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

So, first project in sculpture was to make a sort of "self portrait". Our material was wire. Only wire. :)
Originally I wanted to make two hands holding a sabre. But, I got sick...so I started to run out of time to work on my crazy idea...so I was sitting there twisting wire, getting frustrated, when CJ *my boyfriend* suggested I make a bow and arrow! I had the hands...but my sabre was far from done. I had a nice bow though!
I went ahead and made a stand, attached the hands, and...I was done! This is a good representation of me too...I think archery would be really fun...and on role-play games I'm always the archer...HAHAHA...silly/dorky...i know. ;) that, and I love elves, and elves are good archers!

so anyway...here's the finished product

Well, I have a lot of catching up to do. Being sick for so long has not been good...obviously. Luckily, a lot of my classes aren't hard to work on outside of class. Sculpture however...well...I haven't been able to get a hold of the professor...and have no idea what the next assignment is! Great...I know.

Hopefully things will be smooth sailing from here. Or if not smooth...at least...less bumpy. :)

Love you all! Happy belated Valentine's!

Chelle

Sweet Relief

2008-01-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The love we give away is the only love we keep.
Elbert Hubbard

Life is full of cruel, bitter ironies. One minute, we can joke about something, the next, it's a serious issue we didn't really consider.
Because this is our life, those kinds of things don't happen to us.

But they do, and they inevitably will.

Like saying, "I should probably put this in my wallet," then casually discarding it, figuring it's not so important...only to wake up and find...it's more crucial than you wanted it to be.

But thank God for the little ironies that help us.

Like people being in the right place at the right time, there to help you when you need it most. Complete strangers who all come together, when a moment before, they never would have.

*hugs God* What a day. I feel tired, drained, but there's someone I know who is worse off than me, and suddenly, I feel it's my duty to watch over him.
I suddenly feel weighed down with so much responsibility. I'm so accustomed to Mommy and Daddy taking care of everything for me, trying to take care of another is so strange. So foreign. And embarrassing, because I have no clue what to do!!!

But we made it through today, and now that the shock has worn off, i'm happy to be away from those white-washed walls, in the "safety" and "comfort" of a dorm...feeling like a pseudo-mother. lol

Hope everyone is well. I send out all my love to every single one of you.

*dramatic sigh* I'm ready to curl up with a book, a blanket, and some sort of coffee or cocoa and just...not worry. lol

Lovingly yours,

Chelle

Love is...

2008-01-13T17:56:00.001-08:00

Love is...

when he volunteers to help you with your nail polish because you can't do it on one hand.

The Search for THE Hill of North Dakota (Adventure 1 of The Beautiful Maiden and her Goofy Prince)

2008-01-13T17:24:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful maiden, and a goofy prince. The maiden had somehow ended up in a magical land where it was always cold. In her old kingdom, she had only known heat and misery. The goofy prince, after successfully winning the maiden's heart, wanted to show her the wonders of the cold.
There was a magical thing called snow that most impressed the maiden. So white and fluffy, she thought she could just roll in it...she quickly realized this would only make a beautiful ice sculpture out of her.
But the prince knew of wonderful ways to capture the magic of the snow. He took the maiden out (finally) to, as he called it, "sled". As far as the maiden knew, this meant jumping onto a random board of some sort and coasting down a slope at the mercy of the snow. Having the heart of a reckless young child, she found this intriguing.
Happily, the prince and the maiden set out on their journey. First, they had to obtain a board, or "sled". The great store full of crap only had "snow boogles". Eager to be done with it, the prince purchased the ridiculous thing, both praying they could somehow squeeze together on it. ;)
After the prince drove the carriage a ways out from the fortress of learning that had imprisoned them both, they arrived at the place of the rumored "huge hill". Skeptical, and cold, they trekked out into the snow. The prince was wary of the location of this so called "huge hill", the maiden really just thought it was all quite enjoyable freezing her bum off. Which they both almost did. The magical snow sucked them in multiple times, devouring their feet in its cold merciless jaws. They carried on their merry way, hoping for a slope of some shape or form. However, the maiden grew tiresome, as maidens do, finding falling on her butt not the most attractive or lady-like way to impress her prince, goofy though he may be. Of course this didn't really matter, the prince himself falling multiple times and becoing covered in the magical snow.
Finally, the maiden insisted she would no longer trek out and sink in this ridiculous mess, unless the mythical "huge hill" were really nearby. The prince, being a prince, told her not to fear! He would "run out there" and see for himself. The maiden, rolling her eyes, watched and bit her lip, waiting....waiting...BAM...the prince fell. The maiden shook with joy. This snow was very magical indeed, it had the wonderful healing power of laughter hidden beneath it. The prince carefully trodded back, still sinking occasionally, and then insisted the maiden take a ride back to the carriage rather than walk.
Now, there were no horses, no other carriages...his mode of transport for her was a "piggy-back ride". The maiden first had to find some way to jump onto his back, which was harder than it seemed in the magical sinking snow. Eventually, she made it, and clung to him for dear life, almost choking the life out of him. He carried her, and fell with her, through the snow, back to the where the snow no longer sank. Giggling, cold, but in no way disappointed, the maiden watched and waited as the prince "ran" back for their "boogle sled" that he had had to abandon when he carried her.
The two happily clammered into the carriage, laughing about their failure to find anything, let alone to even sled. But the maiden was quite content. After all, how much since would it make for something to go right, or even exactly as planned. And why would it matter, when she had her goofy prince.

Happy New Year!!!

2007-12-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

2008!!! ;)

First songs of the New Year? Veggie Tales of course!!!

now off to bed...:P

Summer Time New Years

2007-12-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

How does this work? December 31, New Year's Eve...and it's 70 something degrees...*groan*

Gross. I'm totally not going to be ready for it when i get back to school. talk about totally shock...lol

anyway, kind of...busy and distracted right now, but thought i'd leave a post here saying i had a pretty good break, but it'll be nice to get back to the life i had before...sort of...
things will be interesting...*shrugs*

anyway, Happy New Year everyone!!!

Bob is a TOMATO NOT a CAT

2007-12-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you all were aware of "my" kitty Pepper...

he hung around our house a lot in the months before I left for school...and I fed him, played with him...I'm pretty sure that when I woke up to cat fights outside our house it was him and the evil cat across the street...lol

Anyway, he was such a cutie...I hated leaving...but I figured, he's not mine anyway...

BUT GUESS WHAT!?!?!?!

We *momma and I* were walking Spice, and we were almost home, when she spotted a kitty. So of course, we needed to avoid it, but then I realized...It's Pepper!!! So I gave Momma the leash, and Pepper and I start conversing *yes, we talk* and walking to each other. He immediately threw himself at my feet and rolled over and over in some dirt...lol. He talked to me, I pet him, and I slowly make my way down the road. With Pepper trotting behind me.
So I'm meowing at my long lost kitty, calling him to come a little faster cuz he's taking his sweet time, when a guy comes out of one of the houses on the corner and yells, "The cat's name is Bob!"

*dramatic pause*

Pepper=Bob

uh...no. LOL

Bob? Bob is a talking red tomato on TV...Pepper is the black and white cat who I simply adore...

Well, whatever. I now know where he belongs. Having heard his "name" (he's still Pepper to me...) he ran off to the guy...

i'm just excited that he remembered me!!! Seriously...we made eye contact...and he hustled over like he used to.

*tears of joy*

YAY PEPPER!!! ;)

Various

2007-12-20T16:51:00.000-08:00

@ Grandma and Grandpa Y's house.
Grandpa, Grandma, "Auntie M", Me, Momma

Cute setup at their house...dunno...i felt like taking pics...;)

Grandma asked me to take a pic of this. I like the way it turned out. She thought she should have moved the swan, but i kind of like it!!!

Couldn't resist...lol

Dianne's piggy!!! Went to the barn with her today...soooo cute!!! I want one!!! *lol*

Piggies in the bath trying to bite each other...

Cute little hedgie!!!

He's sleeping in my lap right now. SOOOOO adorable

Sleep Like a Baby

2007-12-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

*yawn*
For some reason, I'm tired.
Didn't help that we went shopping. I'm like a little baby who gets all fussy after shopping.

Playing a game with Mel now...supper time!!! ;)

Well, I wanted to say that I'm home, safe and sound, and warm. ;)

Here's a pic of Me, Mel, and Connelley going to our youth group's "tacky winter ball" this past Sunday.

well, I'll try to type more later. got more pics from going to my grandparent's today.

sleepily yours,

die kleine Chellechen

Pics

2007-12-12T17:51:00.001-08:00

Realized I didn't post pics from Fall Retreat...hahaha...or the lovely inspired song I wrote. Soooo...without further ado...IV Fall Retreat 07!!! (actually, just pics of land...haha...didn't take people pictures...i tend to do that...;))

Minnesota landscape. Contrary to popular belief, I actually do find it quite lovely.

Pretty trees. don't know what else to say...this is where we were staying.

YAY!!!

Nice retreat spot I found. Ended up coming back for my "retreat of silence"

Same, different direction...

SKY!!!

YAY FALL!!!

Purdy

I think I did post my song...hmmm...oh well...here it is again...

if i didn't, here it is for the first time!!!

"Enough" (dunno what else to call it...lol) <----- (no that's not part of the title, neither is this)

As the wind

Rolls across the Earth

So Your love
Rolls over my soul
As the sky

Fills my eyes above

So Your grace

Overflows my cup

And I am in love

I am in awe

Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
For Your love

Is enough
To get me through my life and trials

And Your grace

Is enough
To give me strength and understanding

When I'm falling

As I live

As I breathe

Let my life be Your work

As I stumble

As I crawl

Let Your holy hands lift me to Your heart

And I, I am in love

I am in awe

Of all that You have done

Of all that You are doing

Your word
Is enough

It gives me courage when I falter

And I'm falling
And I, I am in love

Your wind it rushes over me and moves me
I am in awe

Your grace it lifts me higher than my struggles

For I am weak

And You are strong

I am dumb

You are my song

As the wind

Wraps around the earth

So Your love
Wraps around my heart

And I, I am in love

I am in awe

Of all that you have done

All that you are doing

You, You are enough

Enough to lead me
Enough to save me

Enough to love me

You, You are enough

And I am in love

I am in awe

Ok, pretty sure i DID post it...BUT...it's nice to repeat it...right now. ;)

First off, *sigh*, that moment...i had soooo much peace. And singing that song was like...amazing!!! lol. Just like a little secret between God and I...not any more but..lol.

And of course, that trip was when...well...I first felt that tug that said..."get out, change things!!!" And I started to, but not the way I knew I should have. Obviously, I was afraid, despite the words of my song. He is and was enough, but I was a little, freaked out.

So, now what's different? Well, FINALLY, I am working more in the direction I felt Him pulling me before. So, as I surrender, fully this time, it's interesting to reflect on that moment i first knew i had some changing to do.

Thank God I had more than one chance...lol. He knows I needed it. ;)

Oh!!! And that pic of "The Kiss" that I posted...yeah...not the one I did. haha. I'll get that one back sometime tomorrow, and i'll take a pic or something for all of you to see my lovely work. ;)

Hmmm...my room is too warm...man, i'm going to have a rough time (temp wise) back home!!! ;)

*kisses*

Chelle

Snow Suits and Finals, Oh Happy Day!

2007-12-12T13:24:00.001-08:00

Note to self: Do not raise children in snowy environment, or at least where snowsuits are necessary

Seriously, putting snowsuits on the kids yesterday was crazy. Then again, there were 9 of them and 2 of us to dress them. And practically everyone wanted me to help them. Lol. They're cute. One little boy, he was so random. He acted like I had never been there before or something, but he was infatuated with me!!! "Will you go outside with us?" Um...duh kid...I'm always going where you guys go...lol..."Will you eat snack with us?" Kid...I give you your snack...and eat the leftovers...hehe. Well, he got a little too crazy about hanging on me...ran into me when I was bending to pick something up...yeah...still have a bump on my head. Pretty sure he might too.
But it was adorable when his dad came to get him. He's putting on his coat and the kid looks at me with big, beautiful, sad blue eyes, "Bye, I'll miss you." AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
lol

Today...pretty relaxing. *gleam* Turned in my art stuff...FINALLY...lol. My abstract pic of myself...*shudder*...took me a while because I couldn't bear to look at it!!! Seriously, it's gross. Then again, so is my representational pic. Everyone in class was like, "WHOA!!! It looks just like you!!!" and I have to agree...if i was on DRUGS!!! *dramatic sigh* ;)

my assignment with 8 different media or whatever...i changed it to "The Kiss":

Only did a part of it...kind of a close up on the faces. It looks alright. Grandma was in love with it!!! haha. I should frame it and give it to her. ;) Except I can do better. I think it looks weird, mostly because there's 8 different things going on. Lol

I have an hour and a half until psych. And then we're doing the eval, and turning in our final vitae, resume, and educational plan.

In the meantime, I think I'll clean and pack...my room is an absolute mess...as usual!!! ;)

Then, history time...and bio if i'm satisfied with that.
I'm kind of sad...there was a review session, which i forgot about anyway, that got moved to tomorrow...during my work hours. *sigh* whatever. Bio isn't too hard. haha...knock on wood...;)

Soon, i'll be home!!! You have no idea how happy I am!!!

And contrary to my LAST post, I am taking my life into my own hands, for a moment anyway. And I'll need my parents and friends to help me. Because I know I'll be hurting the next few weeks. But in the end...I'll be happy...happier than I've been in a loooooong time. ;)

*hugs and kisses*

Love you guys!!! See some of you soon!!! (not soon enough!!!)

Dein immer,

Chelle

A nice reminder for finals week...

dramatic sigh

2007-12-03T11:13:00.001-08:00

Well, I have given up on trying to "make up my mind" and take life into my own hands.
When I look at it at first, it seems so easy. So obvious. But it isn't that simple. There is no black and white...it's all muddled grays...and they all blend in to each other...there's no clear cut way.

Thank God I'm still young. lol. As Grandma tells me, I don't have to figure it all out now. Good thing too, because if I had to, I think my solution would to be to live on an uncharted island, all by myself...

*sigh* Another thing...but this I can control to some extent...stupid class schedule for next semester. I gave up waiting for people to do their jobs. However, if it happens again, they will get my full wrath. After a year of my going to school here they should have all my credits in...*shrugs*

So instead of waiting to get into my 2 psych classes, I enrolled in 2 art classes. Makes my schedule a little lighter actually, and I'll have some interesting times in art...lol. I wanted an art class anyway.
And it works out, I can take those other two classes any time really. Just annoying that after we made a big deal of getting my credits here over the summer, they have them, but on paper...

If you are running your whole system by computer...put them on the &%*^* computer!!! *grumble*

People annoy me...

On a side note, parental units, we have much to discuss when I come home for Christmas. Some I may not even let you discuss...I'm going to say, this is the way it is, just thought you should know. lol. Nothing too serious, just...some things I need help with, others I figure you should know, as you are my momma and daddy! *hugs*

Let's see...11-ish days till I'm home!!!

HURRA!!!

All right, have some work to do...

Ciao,

Chelle

No More Lies

2007-11-30T14:05:00.001-08:00

Well, Rent was AMAZING to say the least. ;) the guy who played Roger was 4th in "world idol" and had an AMAZING voice...*swoon*...lol

and a guy from "American Idol" played too. pretty cool.

And last night I watched the movie with "Zorro"...mmm...need a new nickname...haha...Squeaky...he'll appreciate that one. ;)

Anyway, love the movie too! So I pretty much have had a million different Rent songs in my head. Not that I mind!!!

But now I want to watch Moulin Rouge...lol. With my Jedi Singer...hehe. Seriously, a guy who can sing, and use the force? Pretty hot if you ask me!!!

Got some random Christmas presents...and considering that I HATE shopping, well, be happy. lol. Or shocked. Whatever. I'm satisfied...though I kind of wish we didn't always have to buy stuff...and that I wouldn't worry, "what are they giving me? if I give them something of "lesser value" i'll feel horrible!" that's like saying, "here, i love you so much, i wasted/spent money on you!" give me a hug and maybe a slice of cheesecake, and i'm set!

speaking of cheesecake, treated myself to some today after my Anth. midterm. which went ok i suppose. some of those questions were so random though...lol. whatever.

Well, the title of this post..."no more lies". I'm sick and tired of lying to/hiding from myself. It hurts more to suppress feelings than to just voice it and get the worst over with.

confused yet? :P well, i'd try to explain, but it never makes sense...and who knows how things will be tomorrow...ugh...it's always changing...lol

one thing I will say...i'll keep fighting this losing battle until i win. Beagle has to listen to me. I can't stand it any more!!! and maybe he thinks i'm giving up...and maybe in a way I am...but I'm really surrendering...to God. i've been going back and forth too long...it's time to cling to Him...

and maybe one day we will be together again, maybe friends...though right now...i'll email him and leave it at that.

so i may not be posting much this weekend because i want to resist the urge to go online because when i do, i'll inevitably check email, etc, and he'll be on and he'll persuade me otherwise, i'll cry, feel like a total...witch with a B...etc. and i don't need that any more.

finally, i'm HAPPY again. like...not hiding anything...genuinely excited...whole again...at peace with myself...happy.

well, hopefully i follow through this time. if i don't...everyone has my permission to smack me on the head with a huge stick...or something to wake me up

I love you all! Everyone back home...14 days!!! YAY!!! Can't wait to see you guys.

Girl's night tonight! Movie? Little Women!!! Man, I KNOW I'll cry...*sigh* But that's ok...it's a happy crying by the end...though I may feel a little...empty...just because I always see myself in Jo...and her cute German professor "boyfriend" always gets to me. LOL

i'm such a loser.

but i love it!!!

Yours, ever in confusion,

Chelle

Like Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread

2007-11-27T18:39:00.000-08:00

"I feel...thin. Sort of stretched, like...butter scraped over too much bread." -Bilbo Baggins

*sigh* That's me. lol. For multiple reasons...

I have to find something to get out of next semester. I volunteer to do too many things. Lol.
If all goes well talking to an advisor tomorrow, I should get away with no classes on Tuesday. Just work, and whatever meetings of whatever things I decide to stay apart of. lol

So, definitely cold here!!! ;)
My face feels frozen after walking around, but, I'm happy. Quite content actually...all bundled up in my layers and stuff. ;)
What I really want to do...is turn the heaters off, light a fire, make some hot cocoa, and cuddle on a couch with someone. lol
Mel, you and Spice get ready for some serious cuddle time when I get home! Sam can join if he promises to refrain from poking while cuddling. LOL

OOOOOH
TEE HEE

I have an item I MUST add to my "wishlist". HEHE. Above all things...lol...*sigh* If you give me this...I will forever feel indebted to you!!!
My future husband...Josh Groban for those of you who were not aware...has a new album out. A Christmas album!!! *swoon* It's titled "Noel" and has some AMAZING songs on it. Of course, he's amazing...so what do you expect? Lol

Just realized I didn't mention that before and thought I'd get it out there.
So, if you love me...hehe...

Well, hall gov starts soon. *yawn* Really hope it goes quick tonight...though it usually DOESN'T. lol

Hopefully I'll have time to write more tomorrow. And hopefully I can post my spring semester schedule!!! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get in to my last 2 classes at the times I want!!! ;)

Liebe, deine kleine, kalte,

Chelle

Winter Wonderland

2007-11-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

At last!!! Snow!!! And a bunch of it!!! Came on pretty quickly. This morning I was kind of disappointed, but then, before my bio lab it looked promising!!! lol

By the time lab was done...whoa! lol My face was soooo numb...but the snow is amazing! So beautiful...*sigh*...it'll be hard to leave it to come home to just cold. Not even worth it. lol Kidding. Family is enough for me!!! ;)

Pretty excited about everything. This is winter weather!!! This makes me feel like Christmas is coming!!! YAAAAAAY

lol

*skips through snow*

not really...but i totally would. ;)

my boots were nice and cozy today. and handy when I decided to see how deep the snow was piled in one spot and it went to mid-calf. hehe

so easily amused.

cold weather and less sunshine = sadness

BUT

cold weather and less sunshine + snow = HYPER CHELLE

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sorry guys. i'm getting excited here.

but if my face falls off, i won't be surprised...lol

i need a nose warmer. my hat works for my ears...but my nose...well a scarf...lol...but still...poor nose...lol

tried to register for classes today. got into 3 of my 5. but my psych classes (developmental and stat) think i haven't met the pre-reqs. *rolls eyes* i have it on my transcript, i'm good to go. so i'm talking to the lady who helped me over the summer on Wednesday, i'm sure she can warp the system...i mean...lol.

kind of sad....i'll have Developmental Psych, Stat, Bio and lab, and College Comp II...no fun classes. ok...i'll have fun in some of those classes...but i mean...nothing...entertaining....like my art class this semester.

OH!!! that's right...for our next and last project we're taking a 2D image and drawing it on our 18x24 paper, and then splitting it into 8 sections and using 8 different mediums that we've used over the semester. i'm thinking of doing some Thomas Kinkade work...that'd be fun. lots of landscape and detail...good for the different things i have to use, charcoal, pastel, ink, etc.

well, going to explore the world of art!!! lol

frozenly yours,

chelle

Flurries and a Wish List

2007-11-23T14:29:00.001-08:00

Well, there is enough white stuff sticking to the ground that I think I can say, it's snow. YAY!!!

By home standards, this would be crazy...lol. But, I'm waiting for more. hehe. I'm never satisfied. Until I'm in the middle of a crazy blizzard, about to freeze to death...lol

But really, it's nice out, and little flurries are falling...perfect day after Thanksgiving! :D

Except...life is getting me down. *grumble*

No worries. As Grandma L keeps saying, I'm young. I have time.
I just wish it wasn't so hard! And I wasn't such a people pleaser! Or...that I could be more assertive...lol...
maybe if I didn't care so much...but then I wouldn't be me...

we'll see. i just hope I don't lose a friend. in the end, I probably will lose the boyfriend...but that is yet to be seen...

i just don't want to lose a great friend because my life is so screwed up!

On to more happy things...lol...I had a request from Auntie M, since I wasn't doing the usual Thanksgiving thing, to send out my wish list. Well, I'll put it here first. ;)

By the way, Thanksgiving was fun. Less people than I'm used to, and yet, louder and crazier. lol. Funny the difference one side of the family can make. ;) I love them all though. I had a blast. But I can't wait for Christmas with everyone else!

Now, without further ado...Chelle's Christmas Wish List...*it's hard for me to ask for things...so...be happy i'm doing this...and online for that matter! lol*

CDs (I love movie soundtracks...including kids movies...Mulan, Pocahontas, Tarzan...and "real" movies...whatever you can think of) (oh...and MercyMe has a new CD, "All That is Within Me", good stuff)
Books (in general, I like sci-fi, historical fiction, mystery, I ADORE Agatha Christie books and Mary Higgins Clark is good...any book I will read...just please no romances...lol)
Gift cards (Kohl's, Walmart, Target, STARBUCKS, Michael's (helpful since i'll be doing a lot of art classes)...whatever. I'm a college kid...I'll take what I can get)
A fish (tank) (i'm lonely in my little dorm room! i want a fishie! actually, I really want a frog, or a turtle...or another hermit crab...but I doubt that's allowed...lol) (i realize that's unrealistic for traveling on a plane with a fish...but...you asked what i wanted! lol)
Gloves (i have gloves, but...they're a bit stretched out thanks to a certain German Hund...lol. a nice warm pair would be amazing)
Drawing books (not the kind with blank paper...I have PLENTY of those...i wouldn't mind "how to" books...especially manga drawing books!!! :D)
Manga (hehe...Mel should have the low down on the series I have and the books I need in those series...)

well...hope that helps! honestly, i'll love anything. ok. take that back. lol. but chances are, if you saw something and thought of me...it'll be perfect! lol

so..hockey game soon! YAY!!! ;)

hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well...have a good weekend...

The Ever Stumbling, Confused,
Chelle

"I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all"

"If you look inside a girls heart and see how much she cries, you will find secrets, best friends and lies, but what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong"

Psalm 86

2007-11-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

that old trick of just opening to Psalm never seems to fail. ;)

Psalm 86
A Prayer of David.

1 Bow down Your ear, O LORD, hear me;
For I am poor and needy.
2 Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
4 Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
5 For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

6 Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
Nor are there any works like Your works.
9 All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
10 For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.

11 Teach me Your way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
13 For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

14 O God, the proud have risen against me,
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
15 But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.

16 Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
17 Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Various Musings of my Heart

2007-11-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

well, where shall i begin today...;p

if you noticed, i removed Redemption Installment 6...i really don't like that part...i think it'll just be more simple so i can go into detail in other stuff.
which should be up later...

yeah, i'm a little ticked off with my computer. it won't let me upload video from my digital camera. ;(
and i was going to work on a video for Beagle, and make vids for various family members...*sigh* i'll have a busy time at home. lol

yesterday was amazing, we had our Scandinavian Day. mmmm. lol
Momma and Daddy...watch out...I want to cook when I'm home over my break. :D
it'll be fun.

i guess you could say i'm all right. but then again...how would you define "all right"? there always seems to be something that could be better. something i could improve that would make me happier.
really, i'm content with my life. but somewhere deep down...i'm not...
i've fooled even myself into believing i am ok with everything. so why does it happen that random things pop up that make me question every decision i've made. ok, that's a bit of an over statement.
things have happened lately that make me wonder if i have really made the right decisions.
my life is a big, cruel, irony. at least it has been.

remember when I was struggling with thinking I should break up with Beagle? well, after figuring we'd be fine...I met a guy who I just...clicked with. if that makes sense. and now I'm wondering...what would have happened had i not stayed with Beagle? is this supposed to mean anything? is God banging me over the head with a stick again? lol

He did that for a while with my Africa thing...kind of funny really. every Sunday, or every time I went to listen to someone speak...I felt that tug on my heart again...i think now if i do graduate in 2010, after graduation would be a perfect time to do what i've been needing to. and maybe a few summers before that too...hmmm...it'll be a lot of money though. lol
but God will lead me there...

just like He'll lead me through my current struggle.

the hardest thing about all of this...is not being able to see Beagle face-to-face...even by web cam.
i get so busy...we hardly have time to talk. but when we do, I know I'm doing the right thing. at least for now.
there's no way we met by chance. no way that there isn't a bigger reason for us to have met and been together. these things don't happen by mistake.
so why must i suffer on my own? he suffers too...but...how do i know? once a week POSSIBLY getting to talk to him...doesn't cut it. i'm always questioning, struggling...
it's like there will never be an end to it.

there's no easy way out. maybe the most i can do right now is wait out the next five months...and see what happens this summer. i know that when he comes in April or May, for a long time, the longest we'll have been literally/physically together...that will be the deciding factor. will we be able to stand one another for that long? will i be able to wait for another five years with various intervals of seeing one another?

i never expected this to be easy.

*sigh* i love it here, but i'm longing for the comforts of home. things were easier then. somehow. i didn't really struggle this much...i can't figure out why. maybe i need my family and friends more than i thought. ;)

i love you guys so much. i'm happy here...but...there's a love and comfort i feel around you nothing can replace.
maybe that was what kept me going without Beagle all those days, months...those 2 long years.

well...whatever. lol.
i'm young. i have time. i just hope i'm not giving up/wasting my youth...lol

yours, with a shattered, broken heart,

Chelle

Vampiress

2007-11-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

pics i "lost"

my vamp pics from halloween

hehehehe

painted my nails black with red, "blood stains"...heh heh

borrowed the cape *and makeup* from a friend

fuzzy, but i like this pic. looks almost like i'm licking myself. lol

Soon

2007-11-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

well, i'm trying to write more of Redemption. it's kind of slow coming right now. but tomorrow i should have a little to update everyone with.

mmm...pretty lazy weekend. watched some movies with the RA and ARHD. was fun. we had pizza and ice cream too.
yesterday hung out with Jen and the guys at one of their apartments. we played some games, planned on being home earlier since we weren't watching a movie...yeah right. still got back at 2am. lol but still fun.

and today...mostly nothing. that's not to say this weekend was totally useless! got some homework done, a little reading...relaxing. ;)

the following are pics of me and mel. she dressed as me for halloween and i thought it was pretty funny. guess who's who?

she's on the left in both, i'm on the right. too cute, right?

well, think i'll read some and then get to sleeping. it's amazing how much i can just sleep. ;)

Chelle

Master of Disguise

2007-11-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

trying stuff on at Dallas'...haha...i look...interesting...

Ninja turtle!!! *teehee* So, the belt on the front of the shell said R, and the stuff with it was purple...soooo...I was Rachel, they're little known sister...lol

hmmm...i just upload my vamp pics to the comp...can't seem to place them...*rolls eyes* figures. well, if i find them, i'll show you. i had some good ones. ;)

Let it...snow?

2007-11-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

It's been getting colder, and some would tell you that it was snowing Monday and Tuesday. I however will not deceive you. There were small white specks, but it was by all means NOT snow. Merely solidified rain trying to be snow. Snow should stick to the ground and stay. It's not quite there yet. But *crosses fingers* it's getting there. ;)

Things have definitely been interesting around here. First, Zorro *guy I met at the halloween dance* and I have totally hit it off! We have way too much in common for two random people who just met. lol
Honestly, I feel like I've known him forever! He even asked if we were twins seperated at birth...and then we were like...no...not possible...cuz he's almost 2 years older than me! lol
But it's cool meeting someone with similar interests, especially tastes in music! I mean, the Carpenter's? Come on, it's rare to find someone my age who appreciates them! lol
Anyway, we ended up hanging out for like 6 hours Sunday night. So random, but fun.

Moonlight breakfast is tomorrow. I only have to work it for 30 min thank goodness! Maybe I'll win something *hopeful gleam* ;)

In art today we had a critique, and everyone really liked my collage! YAY
I'll post a pic next week sometime when i get my portfolio back. hmmm...that won't be till Wednesday! We won't have class Friday since people will be leaving for the three day weekend, and Monday is off...wow...lol.

speaking of pics, i have various halloween pics to share.
i'll post em seperate, adding pics messes up my spacing...lol

i'm talking to a psych advisor today about classes. that is, if there's not a whole bunch of people there to talk to them.
i'm seriously looking into art therapy...so...;)...we'll see what tips they can give me.
especially about research. i want to get involved with spring research, but there are 3 professors i'm debating between...one has rats and mice and looks at procratination and how one species of mice suffers from dwarfism but lives longer, better lives; another looks at test development and basically how to better evaluate people effectively and how video games can affect or reflect personality (i especially like that since i love online games and he mentioned those ;)); and then there's a professor i originally thought of who works with kids, but mainly in the legal sense, and that really doesn't interest me...
so...we shall see!!!

*hugs*

Love, Chelle

Redemption Installment 5

2007-11-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

*continuing from Joanne and the "dark lady's" convo..*

“What? You took us so you could keep studying us after our homes were destroyed?” Joanne’s face was flushing with anger. “That makes no sense. Are you going to lock us in little cages and test our blood and DNA or something? And what’s the purpose of destroying Earth when you’re so keen to study us?”
“Please calm yourself, Miss Mitchell. We want you to understand what is going on here, though it may be hard at first. We are destroying your world before you destroy each other. You and your comrades are here to start a new Earth.”

In the awkward silence that followed the dark woman’s words, Joanne had no thoughts. Her mind was literally empty as she stared dumbstruck into the calm collected face of this alien. Slowly, her mind tried to process all this new information. A new Earth, a culture that revered women and worshipped blacks, the destruction of Earth; slowly, tears made their way down her cheeks. “But, why?” She whispered almost to herself. “Why do you have to destroy us?”
“As I said,” the calm alien woman before her spoke. “We are concerned that your people are destroying each other, and if we do not intervene, then all that is what you call Earth and humankind, will be gone.”
“But you’re destroying it anyway! What difference does it make? Either way we lose!”
The dark woman shook her head. “No, this way, you may continue your culture, and we may continue to study it. Most of our top scientists are in full support of this because it gives us a chance to watch how your culture evolves from nothing. Can you understand this?”
Joanne was furious. A million different things ran through her mind, many of them unutterable things she longed to yell at this woman before her. “I’m afraid I can’t understand at all,” she spoke slowly, trying to keep her temper in check. “Isn’t there a way you will change your mind?”
The woman smiled faintly. “It is not up to me what happens to your world. I merely speak and act upon the will of my people. The council makes the decisions and unless you believe you can change their minds-”
“Yes!” Joanne suddenly felt hopeful. “Let me speak to this council, give me a chance, I know I can make them change their minds.” I have to, she thought to herself.
“Very well Miss Mitchell,” the woman inclined her head politely. “Tomorrow you will accompany me to a meeting of the council,” she walked over to the end of the table and pressed a button. “For now, you will remain her with your comrades. I will return in a few short hours after you have rested.” The door opened and the light blue man who had accompanied Joanne everywhere thus far entered the room, sweeping a deep bow to both the women. “Teka will be your attendant for as long as you stay with us, he is skilled in many Earth tongues.” She turned to him and clicked and whistled rapidly, in response he bowed again and as the dark woman swept one last curtsey to Joanne and glided out of the room, Teka approached Joanne, motioning with his hands.
“Come, Miss Mitchell, it is time you rested, your comrades will have finished their meal now, but I will be sure something is brought to you.”

Minutes later, Joanne had polished off a pretty decent meal of chicken with rice and beans. As a green skinned Myantide exited with her empty plates, she thought to herself that that had to have been the best in flight meal she had had in a long time. Teka stood awkwardly in a corner of the room, watching Joanne meticulously. A bit uncomfortable, she twisted around to see what her “comrades” were doing. Chinue, the thin black girl, was still huddled underneath her blanket, and when Joanne’s eyes met hers, Chinue’s glance fell quickly to the ground. Much to her dismay, the red headed woman, Rosemary, came and sat beside her.
“So,” she whispered, leaning in close to Joanne’s ear as she peered suspiciously at Teka. “What happened? Did you speak to any of them?” Rosemary’s eyes shone bright with a hunger for information. Joanne now understood why the Myantides had never spoken to her or the other lighter skinned people. Though, even if Rosemary had been black, Joanne felt no one would confide much information in her.
She shrugged, making herself seem indifferent to the whole situation. “I talked to someone. She’s taking me to some council meeting tomorrow.” Suddenly two other figures appeared beside Rosemary. Tene and Jabari leaned in eagerly.
“What sort of meeting is this?” Jabari warbled. “Are they really destroying Earth?” Rosemary’s eyebrows shot up at the new information and she suddenly looked frightened.
Joanne cleared her throat awkwardly. She hadn’t really wanted to tell the others about this. She had hoped to go before this council, explain to them that they just couldn’t destroy Earth, and then go home. It didn’t much matter to her that the others were involved. “Well, I’m going in front of a council to convince them not to destroy Earth.” Jabari and Tene sat back, their faces a bit more subdued.
Tene shook his head. “They will not listen. We have tried to reason with them before, but reason is something completely different to them.”
“Maybe they’ll listen to me,” Joanne felt a bit insulted that the men didn’t trust her. “The woman I spoke to said they respect women more than men, I’m sure they’ll listen to me.”
“Oh, they’ll listen, no doubt,” now Keiji knelt beside the group. “But they will not understand. They are a different people from us, there is much we could never convey to their hearts, try as we might to explain it to their heads.”
Joanne was confused. Her brain felt like it was twisted into a billion tight knots closing around her head. Why shouldn’t these people listen to and understand her? It wasn’t that hard to understand, was it?

The next day, Joanne lost what she had been so sure of. She seated herself between Teka and the dark woman whom she had been told to call “Giaga”, which Joanne assumed to be the equivalent to “queen” or “empress”, or something very high status. The council meeting was taking place in a private ship quite similar to the one she had seen Giaga exit from the day before. The entrance to the ship was the entrance to the meeting room, which was the ship. Plush seats lined the curved walls and all ready a couple hundred people of various blue colors were seated. A floating council, Joanne thought as more people entered and took their places. She wondered if they would actually be flying during the meeting.
But as the meeting began, Joanne lost all confidence in herself and began to shake in her seat. She hadn’t felt this way since high school speech class. The immense size of the room and the huge number of people, Myantides, occupying it frightened her in a way she couldn’t explain. She soothed herself with thoughts of her friends and family, and all that she knew that was good in her life. Maybe it wasn’t spectacular, but it was something worth fighting for. Or so she thought at the time.
Giaga rose regally after a pale blue man had led the group in a series of clicks she assumed was the standard beginning to every meeting. Giaga’s voice filled the room with ease. Joanne sat amazed at the power this woman had over her audience. Every eye in the room was focused on her, and though she couldn’t understand anything that was being said, Joanne too found herself mesmerized. After a few urgent clicks from Giaga, Joanne found herself caught up in a great silence. Slowly it dawned on her, Giaga was done speaking. And every eye was now on her. Joanne blushed profusely, looking from Giaga to Teka for an explanation.
“You are expected to speak now,” Teka said flatly as if this should have been completely obvious to her. Dazed, she rose from her seat and made the mistake of looking into a million pairs of eyes. Heart racing, her palms filling with sweat, Joanne turned wide eyed to Giaga. The woman gazed back with placid eyes and took her seat, pushing something on the sideof Joanne’s armrest as she did. Almost simultaneously, an invisible force field seemed to take hole of her. At first it was if her lungs were being squished underneath a steam roller, but gradually the pressure lifted, though Joanne could still feel some eerie presence about her.

Halloween...thank GOD it's over

2007-11-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, this week has been...nonstop! ;)
First I had to stuff cups with candy for two hours. Then I passed those out for an hour tuesday. And yesterday was the halloween dance...
tomorrow is another dance, but i don't have to do anything but show up to that one.

i was definitely a vampiress at the AIM Exorcist movie showing last Friday. funny thing about that...i put white makeup all over my face, right? to be pale...ya know. anyway, two oriental guys, not trying to be racist, it's just pertinent that they're asian, they come in and I explain what's going on kind of, and they look at me and ask "Why is your face all decorated?" and I tell them, "Well, it's Halloween, or almost, and we're supposed to be having a costume contest." (one other girl dressed up, and we are both on the committee...*shakes head*) so then I get up to show them where the movie is being shown and as I walk past them one says, "Very beautiful." ok, let's get this straight. my face is WHITE, i have DARK eyeshadow, and "blood" dripping from the corners of my red lips. i felt freaky, and most people were freaked out...beautiful came out of nowhere!
i come back to our AIM group looking a bit stunned and I sit down and say, "That was awkward...they said I was "very beautiful"." Another guy on the committee says, "Well, they are used to their women that way." and all of a sudden, i have a revelation!!! GEISHA!!!
i originally wanted to be a geisha for halloween, but i didn't have a kimono...;(...and i LOVE Memoirs of a Geisha *reading the book now*, so I couldn't believe i didn't think of that!!!
so, two oriental guys thought my vamp makeup was "very beautiful" because it was "geisha-like"
*grins*

mmm...now let's see...my left arm still hurts from stuffing airheads, laffy taffy, and starburst into dine of the dead cups on Monday...over 2000 man...that's a heck of a lot of cups!!! and candy...

yesterday's dance was fun. Native was wacko in his fireman uniform. *rolls eyes but laughs* he came by CC since I'm just across the street from the Union and our ARHD and RA freaked out!!! in a good way...and they made him go to some rooms and knock on doors asking "where's the fire?" which is funny since we have had the fire alarm go off multiple times here.
he was pretty, flirtatious...at the dance. he cracks me up. definitely NOT afraid of what others think. i on the other hand felt very silly in a borrowed ninja turtle costume. i think it was cute and original though. ;) unlike the majority of the females there, i was not bearing every inch of skin possible...in fact, quite the opposite. i had pants on, a green turtle neck under my shell, and the shell was not suggestive of anything, so i was quite the modest halloween goer. lol.

twas fun. though i hated having to come back and study. ;( luckily, i made a perfect score on my bio quiz today. ;)

tomorrow, another vamp night. but no white makeup this time. if i do, it'll be a lot less, but i think not. we shall see.

*yawn* well, i want to work on some art stuff. i'll take pics of my favorite pieces to show you guys, i'm quite proud of some of my work. ;) and as soon as i can get pics of my various costumes, i'll post them here too.

*hugs*

Sleepily yours,

Chelle

PS you know what's hard? having someone, but not having them. if you catch my drift. i felt kind of...strange...at the dance. sort of, awkward, watching couples. it was funny when a guy i met there thought Native was "my man"...haha...but i did wish i had someone to stand and talk with all night...to "claim"...as weird as that sounds. i did talk with some people most of the night, including said guy above, who was in an amazing Zorro costume. Zorro and Jen convinced me to go to the ballroom dance tomorrow...i'll probably dance there...real dancing, not bumping and grinding...HAHA...

yeah...so...i get down on myself a lot...it's hard not hearing from Beagle every day like i used to...can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. *sigh* can't wait till April when I can FINALLY hold him again...

man, there's a lot more i want to talk about...maybe tomorrow...this post has been plenty long enough.

OH!!! redemption will be updated, i promise! just been busy lately!!! ;)

*and don't get your hopes up, it won't be that great of a story...lol*

Don't Judge Me...

2007-10-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

"Be yourself, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess

Mmmm...sooooo...lemme just say this...I am a learning, growing, changing human being. Aren't we all? So, sometimes I do things that make no sense...trust me...i make no sense to myself.

Except, I do. And I think as long as I understand myself, it's ok. It'll help me in the future.

So, I had talked to Jen...Sunday...about boys, relationships...and she mentioned that maybe I should think about breaking up with Beagle. I had been feeling for a while that our relationship was not what it should be...or at least there were things we needed to work out...and I took this to be God telling me to move on.
Thing is...whenever I tried to fix the things I knew needed fixing, I freaked out and ignored it...so it bothered me to the point where I thought breaking up was the only way to fix it! Silly me thought Beagle would automatically shoot me down for my feelings, etc. He does do that at times...*grumble* But not on purpose, and not for the things that really matter.
Today, we resolved a few things. He made me feel a bit better by presenting a "plan" for the next few years. Just roughly how long until we can really be together finally...lol.
Anyway...I finally came out and said what I was feeling, and he said, ok, i love you anyway...and though he doesn't understand, he won't force me to change my mind. he'll just wait for me to do the things i have to do...

anyway...what i mean is...we are at least staying together until we can talk this over together, face-to-face. ;)
this just goes with my lovely theory, any relationship can work as long as the people involved WANT it to and are willing to make it work. as in, you give a little, i give a little, we pull together

beagle talked to his best friend's girlfriend about what i had said (before we had a chance to talk today) and she told him to tell me, "das sie das bestimmt selbst nicht will" "she doesn't really want to do this to herself"
tis true.

but you know what...i'm glad i did freak out and think i was going to leave Beagle. why you ask? because it forced me to place myself back in God's hands. I'm suddenly becoming more comfortable resting in the fact that things won't always go my way, but He is there to hold me and He knows what is in store for me and will lead me through it.
which is what i needed anyway! i don't need to fix my relationship with Beagle, or the way I look at myself...I needed to come back to God. I needed to remember what it is to trust Him and from there work everything else out.

because the minute I trust Him, I do things I don't normally do, like tell Beagle what i'm REALLY thinking...and it works out ok!!!

i know some of you readers will be like...ok Chelle...that was ridiculous. are you just starving for attention?
yes, it was silly. but as i said at the beginning, we all struggle and are growing. but you know what, it took this to show myself that I can give up the love of my life to follow God. I still will. But he's ok with me going to Africa. not for 5 years...lol...but he said i have to do what i have to do, and he'll wait for me.

and now i see, nothing is perfect, it takes a lot of work, and i HAVE to be honest with him and myself. i can't say, yeah, whatever, i'll get over this feeling. no, if he can't respect my thoughts and feelings, bye-bye...but he DOES respect them...and he forgives me when i do dumb things like say we should break up.

so, i made some strange choices...but in the end...i'm better for it.
i'm stronger, more confident that things will work for good whatever happens...

and hoping that people don't think i'm some immature child. because you want to know the truth? a long term, long distance relationship is ONE of the hardest things. especially right now. and i am pretty proud of Beagle and myself for making it through all the crap we do and I don't know many other people who could do it. i barely can...obviously, but he's great about helping me.

all right, enough with the self defense. lol.
just know that i wasn't begging for attention. i was honestly struggling, but i'm ok now. and i learned an important lesson, be honest...and talk things over before making huge decisions.

and trust that things will always work for the best.

<----(this is me)

Chelle

groan

2007-10-24T17:52:00.001-07:00

So, can't post too much. Got to study. ;(
Man, who would know that Halloween is such a busy time of year!!!
Not only do I have a West Civ exam tomorrow (ugh!!!), i have a bio quiz...and work. Then I'm going to a MercyMe concert!!! That'll be my rejuvinating moment...
Friday is the big screen movie the AIM reps are putting on, so I have to be there...ugh. 9-1...i don't have to stay all night...THANK GOD!!! Hopefully my ARHD can pick me up whenever I get tired of being there...because I am NOT walking back...*shudder*
Then...this weekend I'm going to Karlstad with Jen and her bf. I really don't want to be alone this weekend...that's why. ;)
And Sunday is trick-or-treating with kids. They're coming by our dorms, I volunteered to put up arrows to show them around and to escort them.
And of course next week, Dine of the Dead Tuesday...and I'm program rep too so I have to do that...and Wednesday is the Halloween dance...gotta be there...*whew* lol
Good thing about all that is, no time to sit down and feel sorry for myself!!!

Mmmk...my bio study buddy should call soon...then i need to look over West Civ...*groan*...wish me luck on that...I don't even know what to study this time...GRRR...lol

Emotionally and physically drained,

Chelle

To My Sister

2007-10-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following weeks ago...and I feel better about it now. Why? Well, let me catch you up since I haven't posted in a while.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. It's messy, it's painful, but I know it's right. Why? Well, every time I try to spend time with God, I get this peaceful feeling nudging me and saying, "Hey, this relationship, it's not good for you. You think it is, but there's better." Which is hard for me to believe. I mean, I still love this guy! But I think about it seriously, and I see that following God's will for my life and being with Beagle, at least now, totally contradict each other! That, and I'm letting myself down. Everyday I don't know who I am because of some mistakes I made...that I thought I'd just forget about and "fix" in the future.

In short, I'm leaving a relationship that looks wonderful, felt wonderful, but in the long run was probably not a good thing...;(

And I talked to my big sis, KK *old nickname for her ;)* about it, and about a lot of deep, dark, personal secrets, ok like one...lol...but anyway...turns out, we have had VERY similar experiences...and I am just so amazed at God. Because, come on, who else can take a bad, painful situation, make that two painful situations...and use them for good!!!

Basically, I have felt for years that my big sis wasn't my big sis, was someone I didn't know...but now, I'm healing from that, as I heal from my relationship with Beagle etc. I'm so thankful for everything...like in my song/poem from fall retreat "i am in awe, of all that You have done, of all that You are doing"

anyway, the poems i wrote a while back were in response to my sis's situation and me wanting to be apart of her life but feeling i wasn't...yeah...but i am ok!!! lol. this is just how i did feel...there's two....one with pics. ;)

and...if it sounds angry...that's because i was so disconnected from all that was happening, so confused...now though, i'm glad to be close to my family again. ;)

What happened to those days,

Innocence came so easily,

Love was natural,

And we never questioned each other.

Now I look at you,

And who do I see?

Not someone I know,

Not the one I looked up to.

Why must we grow up?

Why must we separate,

Our lives are two different things,

And I wish somehow they were still connected.

I used to wear your clothes,

Pretend and wish

With all my heart,

That I was just like you.

Your independence and grace

Inspired me.

When did you become

Someone I couldn't follow?

Do you know how much I’ve needed you?

How now,I don’t understand

So many things

And as I watch you fall

I can only see myself

Doing the same.

If all else fails,

Come back to me.

Remind me why I called you sister,

Why I proudly held your hand.

Give me back my big sister,

Give me back my best friend.

Take a trip with me

Not too far back,

Just close your eyes,

I can almost see us there,

Lying in bed at night,

Whispering like little girls do.

You always told me of foreign lands

Lands I could travel to

Only in my dreams.

You filled my head with stories

About fairies

And lands where magic was abundant.

I still remember

Listening in rapture

To your voice in the dark,

Telling me of friends you made

On these voyages in the night,

And I too would close my eyes,

And drift off to a land all my own.

A little further in time

Still a while back,

But close enough I can still taste it,

We made mud pies

And played by the tree

Outside our father’s house.

You told me the moss

Was Mother Nature

And we spoke to her

Like she was real.

When we were bored

You made up stories

And we played queen and servant.

You let me be queen,

But I always thought you were the best.

And I still remember,

Crouching on the stairs

As we played a make-believe game,

A friend was there, and she whispered to me,

“You’re big sister is the coolest!”

And I proudly beamed and said,“I know.”

I never looked at you the same again.

You were my idol.

I wanted to be just like you.

I hated not seeing you dance

I hated when you didn’t come on the weekends.

Most of all, I hated it

When you got a serious boyfriend.

I know now,

It wasn’t him.

You were older,

I was still too young,

And you were exploring life,

You didn’t need me any longer.

But I blamed him with all my heart,

And when I lost my big sister

And forgot what it was to have a sister and friend

All rolled into one,

I said he had stolen you from me.

And then, not long ago at all,

You got married.

I was in the wedding,

But I was at the end,

Behind the girl you also called

“Sister”,

But she was only related by marriage,

We had a blood bond,

And I used to think it meant something.

I didn’t see you kiss the groom,

I barely even saw your shoes,

Still, I was so happy to be there,

Even if he was taking you away from me more.

And somehow, things got better.

And we were a family.

You and “the Jeans”,

I still didn’t like him,

Or so I said,

You would come to dinner,

And we would talk,

Laugh,

Play games and be

A family.

So now what happened?

As if I wasn’t far enough away

Another break has occurred

And I am too confused to understand.

I’ll never understand

Why you did what you did,

This girl I looked up to,

Who I thought was

MY SISTER,

Again,

Is gone.

But I still love you.

Blood is stronger than anything,

Except for our memories,

And those are what keep me going

In hopes that someday

We will come together,

Broken as we are,

And be a family again.

Flip or Flop?

2007-10-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

Just got done with a LOVELY bio lab exam...
it could go either way...i totally thought i bombed it...but i looked over some stuff, turns out I was right!!! YAY!!! and then...on things i thought were right...i was wrong...;(
hopefully the right outweighs the wrong...lol
i even left a note for the TA...

"sorry I suck at this...this is really embarrassing...I swear I have an A in the class!"

lol.
it didn't help not knowing what to study. i studied stuff i didn't need...lol. but i think i should at least not fail miserably.

ah, and in art, started with oil pastels today...*groan* my color wheel looks like a kindergartener did it. good thing I was pretty good at art for a kindergartener when i was one...lol
it wasn't supposed to look like a work of art or paint...oil pastels are sketchy lookin', but the girls to my right were using their fingers to smear their colors nicely...so i felt silly with my lovely color combos...lol

Beagle has off this week *gleam* so we talked between my art and other classes, lol. It was...special...
he's 20 yrs old, in the military...and he was having a fit over his new cell phone because he couldn't get it to take a pic of me. it was hilarious!!! I couldn't help laughing. And then he was upset we didn't "talk"...well duh...he was obsessed with his phone not working properly the whole time!!! lol
Luckily we have all week. That's a luxury I am not taking forgranted.
For the first time, I walked to class grinning, because my puppy had made me laugh. *shakes head* How could I let him go?

I will always struggle, that's a given...but he will always make it worth the while. *hopefully...lol*

Mmmk...no one has knocked on my door for dinner yet...I guess I'll go see if the gang is out there.

Cross your fingers and knock on wood that my bio lab exam went ok!!!
I had just been comtemplating taking bio 151 next semester too...now i may have to, or take another science, if i fail the lab portion!!! HAHA...just kidding. I don't think I failed. I just know I didn't pass with flying colors. More like, scrapped by with dusty charcoal...;)

Von UND,

Chelle

Before I Sleep

2007-10-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

made this...just because. lol

the German quote is from a song i am absolutely in love with. one of many actually. ;) by the band Söhne Mannheims. and Xavier Naidoo is amazing too...;)

all right, tomorrow's monday...long day ahead of me...later gators!!!

OH!!! and happy birthday to all the party people I missed out on celebrating today! it was great talking to you all on the phone though. ;)

Dreamily yours,

Chelle

Simple Things

2007-10-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

mmmm...it's the little things that bring great pleasure to life...
like warm clothing after it has been through the dryer...mmmm

lol

i want to cuddly up with my warm clothes all in a pile, lol. except for the pants that burned me...lol. the zipper was a bit firey. haha. not really, but it was HOT. ;)

so, this weekend is definitely a weekend of relaxation and homework. Next weekend is the Northern Lights Psychology Conference, and i have to go to that and do some sort of report thingy i think. i'll find out Monday the exact details. ;)
i think i'll go to that early *haha, who am i kidding?* and then catch the series of buses that will take me to Target so I can get some essentials. i'm thinking of buying a few healthy snacks for my room, i need a few new jeans *i tore a hole in one pair...teehee...*, boots, warm underthings, a belt...nothing fancy. but this southern gal needs to be ready for the cold. ;)

sad thing is, i handle the cold better than the natives here! Including Native himself. HAHA. It's cold, but I don't complain...in fact...I complain when I get inside and have to remove all my layers because it's so hot!!! lol

anyway, got some art stuff to work on. i don't think i'm doing very well with it, but it looks all right i suppose.

OH!!! almost forgot. i was working on bio while my laundry was going, *still have to finish...*, and i was like, ok, cell to cell interaction, done, oooh, early development...i am actually reading the whole chapter. haha. usually that's unnecessary, i just go through the learning assignment, find what i need to answer the questions, take notes in class, and i'm good. but i HAD to read this. lol. i secretly love biology. no, not secretly. lol. it's just so cool!!! i mean, think about it. we start out as one cell, and become this walking, talking, thinking, multicellular organism! how weird is that?
i don't know how you can't believe in a supreme being after science courses. how did the world come to be? oh, some particles exploded and formed a big mass of junk that formed other stuff, etc etc. but where did those first particles come from? i mean, how can a whole universe be shaped out of random particles that just HAPPENED to come together and form some big explosion thingy? they had to come from somewhere before that, and there had to be a reason behind it! *sigh* it's amazing. i believe in big bang, and evolution, and God. i think God is amazing like that and had all sorts of ways to develop life and stuff. i mean, 7 days to Him is not 7 days to us!!! lol.

ok, now that i'm thinking of creation and biology and how amazing the world is...lol...wow...i'm special...

speaking of bio...have an A in the class, got an A on the last exam...so no worries. ;)
pretty simple stuff. well, not simple, but i get it. lol

girl's night last night was fun. i got really into the movie. haha..."No! Forget coma guy!" and i would freak out at random points...haha. it was a good movie. cheesy ending line...but really funny and cute. (it was While You Were Sleeping by the way)
then I watched Bridget Jones Edge of Reason with another girl. that was funny too. i remember reading the first book in that series...but i don't remember anything except it was funny...lol
good times, good times. ;)

and now, enough procrastinating, it's off to work I go!!! (hehe...dwarves...hehe)

LATER!!!

Crazily yours,

Chelle

Take Me or Leave Me

2007-10-12T10:47:00.001-07:00

As crazy as I am, and as emotional, I'm glad the people who really matter in my life take me as I am and love me anyway. Maybe I annoy them or they get hurt at times, but they still love me and stick it out with me. ;)

Beagle seems not too angry...haha...and guess what? He has next week off!!! YAY!!! So we can talk whenever!!! *happy dance* Next week will be a good week. I just have to get things done this weekend so I'm not rushing over the week. We can't talk this weekend though because he has guard duty Saturday and Sunday...but, ends up being better this way. ;)

However...i know I'll keep struggling with these unhappy thoughts. It's rough. Especially for me, I need physical affection. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding hands...but I have art and writing to distract me!!! Though I know...there will be days when i cry horribly...as I have lately.

I'd like to blame this on my friend George. But, lots of people know George, and do they contemplate suicide? Think horrible thoughts? Cry for hours in bed and not get up to go about daily activities? I don't know...I just don't think George causes those things in anyone. But I think he brings them out in me. Because I can usually control it...but when George is around...I'm more sensitive, my guard is down...and honestly? If someone held a gun to my head and told me to do something or they'd kill me, I'd tell them calmly to kill me, even if they just wanted some coffee. because at those times, i just feel empty. icky. lonely, depressed, and tired of life.

and then i'm ok!!! George makes me bipolar...

not his fault, but he doesn't help keep me stable...*grumble*

well, now i know to just cry and watch out for George when i feel so bad.

haha...if you don't know who George is...well...count yourself lucky. lol. And I'm sure a lot of you know George and don't realize it. Maybe one day my alluding to him will catch on...;)

anyway, now everyone knows, i am an emotional psychopath!!!

and i am willing to accept advice. if anyone has any wisdom to share. i just don't want to be told how to live my life. ;)

i'm pretty much resigned to the fact that i'll cry a lot, but i'm sticking with Beagle, because he treats me right, despite everything we have been through. and i'm sure when we're FINALLY together, our relationship will be even better because neither one of us will take it for granted. ;)

oh, i was amazed today. i went to get a refill on my meds, and the lady did it in like a minute....i figured i'd have to come back later today...but nope! so that was cool. ;)

Girl's Night tonight!!! We're going to watch "While You Were Sleeping". never seen it, so should be interesting. i guess it's a love story...hope i don't cry...

i remember i watched the fountain about a month ago and i was sooooo depressed...ugh...romances, sad ones at that, are not good for me right now. lol

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Dein,

Chelle

PS I went to bed at 9ish last night and woke up at 8:30 this morning. *grins* i think that's part of why i feel good today. LOL

YAY SLEEP

YAWN

2007-10-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

mmmm....so much to do....so much more sleep to catch up on....lol

i think the bio exam today went well, studying last night helped a lot. i feel good about it. i have an A in there anyway, so no real huge worries.

on the note of yesterday's, emotional, post, i've resigned myself to the fact that i chose a relationship that comes with a lot of pain. but it's worth it. i have to keep remembering that. sure it's not perfect, but what is? there's no fun in life if it's all perfect.

i still have my doubts, but i'm holding on. they'll go away. they always do. ;)

and i think i'd like to blame the weather on my dismal thoughts. as much as i love the cold and abhore the sun...lack of sunlight and chilly weather does bad things to my emotions. ;)

mmm....need to sleep...and it's only 8pm...haha. well, first homework, then divine intervention. aka sleep.

Pressing on,

Chelle

sorry if i scared anyone yesterday. my life isn't hard. i just make it hard. yay drama queens! lol

remember, over all i am happy...just...not completely...;)

Not So Much LIFE as LIVING

2007-10-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post is not the usual, "I went to class, had lunch, and studied" post. This post delves into the innermost thoughts and fears of Chelle. DO NOT PROCEED if you are liable to judge, mock, or belittle these things.

CAUTION: DO NOT offer unwanted advice. Say you want to help, and if help is wanted, help will be received. Do not volunteer wisdom when love is all that is needed.

(I want to talk about things...but I don't want, "You need to do this, and life is like this, and..."

I'd like, "I went through such and such and did such and such and learned this and this, I can relate, I'm hear to talk..."

...love, not words.)

YOU ARE ENTERING A DEEP THOUGHT/EMOTIONAL ZONE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, AN OPEN MIND, AND AN OPEN HEART

What does that mean exactly? Follow your heart? How do you know which way your heart is going? Where does the heart stop and head end? And is it really "right" to follow your heart is every situation?

The title of this post, to explain a bit, comes from "Not so much brains as earwax," a lovely Shakespearian insult. I think this blog has mainly been about my life, just day to day I did this, blah blah blah...and now I need a chance to vent, to talk about what i'm feeling...what i'm LIVING. therefore, "not so much LIFE as LIVING."

thought i'd clear that up. lol

anyway...I'm a little...confused...you could say. My head and my heart are both telling me two different things. And I mean, they both are. They both agree, on two things. I'm split! EEP!!! lol
The thing is though, it's not a life or death situation! I make whatever decision I make, life goes on. I'll be fine eventually. There's a girl in our hall with family in the hospital now, and that is something to fret over! Me...i guess it's growing pains.
And you could blame a bit on "the big D". lol

i think i'm afraid of change. and yet, i need it. or i think i do. i think i want it too...and then i don't...
which leaves me here, confused. and lonely...because who am i going to discuss it with who won't have some sort of bias or opinion all ready about it?

i wish i could say everything would be easier if Beagle was here. and that's part of it. long distance relationship...not cool. and worse not hearing from him but once a week...
but i swore i wouldn't give up just because distance was hard...

but, you can't really make those kinds of promises. especially at my age! i'm still growing, becoming "me"...and part of me wants to try this new "me" out...i want to date...but i want Beagle...can i wait? who knows. it's hard in this environment.

i think about him, and i cry, because we are so close. to hurt him, is worse than me hurting right now. i hate hurting others, and to think of him in pain because of me...makes it worse.

so how much can i take before i break? i'm all ready broken. there's no real wholeness...not yet. it's all so confusing...

and while studying for bio tonight...we got off on all sorts of tangents...and this guy has done marriage counseling, as the counselor, so he started talking about all sorts of stuff, i had asked about he and his wife, and i listened and i was like, YES, that's exactly what i think! that's what i want!!!
and then...i realized...that's not what i have. Beagle and I are from totally different backgrounds. not like he's bad, but he has a different way of thinking and doing things, which makes it hard.

and you know, it could work. i firmly believe anything could work...if you try...
so am i willing to try?

part of me says yes...part of me needs more than what i have.

so at what point is it ok to think about your own feelings, at the expense of someone else's?

then again, i'd be in pain for a while if i broke up with Beagle...i really would be. 2 and a half years, overseas, there's some baggage...lol.

mmmm...i just had to rant. it helps me to write it out.

i hope no one thinks i'm a boy-crazed child...and that's all i care about.
because it's not. it's just, everything else is going so well, i want this is be good too...and something keeps nagging at me, telling me my relationship hasn't been the best...and i dunno if that's my head, my heart, or even me at all!!!

this can bring me to what i wrote over the retreat...
that's when it really started...the doubt, insecurity...i have to wonder if it was God or me saying I need to look at Beagle and I's relationship...but...ever since then, i've been unsure, scared, lonely...but i wrote this...i wanted to just give it all to God, forget my human fears, and remember that He will lead me where I need to be...so where is He leading? and can i follow without breaking down half way? and will Beagle be ok if I go without him?...can i live with that question....

anyway, what i wrote...

As the wind
Rolls across the earth
So Your love
Rolls over my soul
As the sky
Fills my eyes above
So Your grace
Over flows my cup

And I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
For Your love
Is enough
To get me through my life and trials
And Your grace
Is enough
To give me strength and understanding
When I'm falling

As I live
As I breathe
Let my life be Your work
As I stumble
As I crawl
Let Your holy hands
Lift me to Your heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
Your word
Is enough
It gives me courage when I falter
And I'm falling
And I, I am in love
Your wind it rushes over me and moves me
I am in awe
Your grace it lifts me higher than my struggles

For I am weak
And You are strong
I am dumb
You are my song
As the wind
Wraps around the earth
So Your love
Wraps around my heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
You, You are enough
Enough to lead me
Enough to save me
Enough to love me
You, You are enough
And I am in love
I am in awe

I sang it as I wrote it...my worship song to God...

and i found a beautiful verse...really fit the moment...it's alot that spoke to me...so...here goes!!!

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot, the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the right seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:5-11

ok...more than one...lol

As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness. Psalm 17:15

isn't just amazing? to be satisfied to be like God, to follow fully after Him, and to think...we have a "good inheritance", and "the lines have fallen" "in good places". that's especially hard to think of in the rough times. but how insignificant our worries must seem to God who can see the whole picture!!!
mmm...makes me question...am i following fully? or am i impaired...

i long to talk it over with someone...but not just anyone...lol. if i could have a face-to-face discussion with God, that'd be amazing.

i guess i want to know that Beagle'd be ok if I broke up with him...we aren't married! but we have discussed it...but again...at this point in my life...i'm changing...and i'm thinking...well, i dunno what i'm thinking...*dramatic sigh*

because i still love him...yes, love. I'm old enough to love I think...lol. but i need more than one web chat a week...i need affection...yes, physical affection!!! babies given nutrients, but no physical contact, die...i feel like one of those babies. empty, lonely...almost neglected...but i'm not...lol

i brought this upon myself. now the question is...do i suffer for 6 more months, have a wonderful time when (and if) he comes here for a while...and then suffer again for Lord knows how long?!?!?!?!

i can't live that way...but i want to. because it's worth it...
but am i cheating myself out of other experiences? am i limiting myself?

wow...you guys should feel honored to read this here...lol. i thought it was time to tell you what's really going on in my head...because as much fun as biology and anthropology and the French revolution are...i have a life too...and i have a future to think about...a future i see going so many ways, all good...but...what do i do...

nothing? nothing hurts. talk to Beagle? and watch him cry? have myself cry? with no one to hold either of us...
i couldn't do that.

Lord, give me strength. Give us all strength, as we struggle through life, wondering where Your hand is admist the pain. Because it's there, we just have trouble believing.

wow, enough deep stuff, eh?
bet you never wanted to find THAT on my blog...

Yours in Christ...

Chelle

Redemption Installment 4

2007-10-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

*This part is dedicated to Wendy, who I hear looks forward to these installments!*
I never thought it'd be so popular amongst my kinfolk. lol

Joanne awkwardly took a seat in what resembled a large conference room. The woman who had caused so much reverence when exiting the spacecraft paced up and down the side of the table, pausing intermittently to examine Joanne, and then resume her walk. Joanne squirmed anxiously, not really understanding what was going on, as seemed to be the custom in this place. Finally, the dark woman stopped pacing and turned her whole body to face Joanne.
“What are you called?” She asked, her voice strong and powerful.
“Joanne, Joanne Mitchell.”
The woman bowed slightly, making Joanne blush. “Do you have a man?” Assuming she meant did Joanne have a husband, Joanne shook her head. “Then in your world, one would call you, Miss Mitchell?”
“Yes,” Joanne answered. “But that’s very formal, just Joanne is-”
“Miss Mitchell,” the woman held up a hand. “I am sorry to interrupt you, but I must ask you some important questions.” Joanne nodded to show she understood, though she really didn’t. “First, do you know why you are here?”
Joanne thought for a minute. They were planning to destroy Earth, so what good was having her aboard their ship going to do? She shook her head. “I thought I was dreaming at first. But it’s all too real now.”
The dark woman nodded slightly. “I should explain who we are first, and maybe you can see why you are here for yourself.” The woman began pacing again. “We call ourselves Myantides, we are from the distant planet Grecio. My people have long studied your people out of scientific curiosity. You see,” she looked at Joanne pointedly. “Our people, though very alike in physical nature, have taken seemingly opposite paths in other ways. You for instance, are regarded as normal or inconsequential in your society,” Joanne wondered if this was supposed to be an insult. “Do you know why?”
Joanne blinked. Apparently the woman actually wanted an answer. A little embarrassed, Joanne replied, “Well, I’m young, a woman, I don’t have an important job or anything, and I’m black.”
“Yes,” the woman nodded, seemingly satisfied. “Have you noticed anything unusual about us since you have been here, besides our language,”
Joanne thought she had to be kidding. “You’re all different colors, I mean, like not just black or white, you’re different shades of green, and red and blue,”
Again, the woman nodded. “We were not born these colors though. If you were to come to our planet, you would see children the color of people on your Earth. Color is very important to us as we get older. Young teens dye themselves a light green when they come of age. As we grow and we gain power and influence in the world, we color our skin differently to signify our status. Can you think what the highest color is?”
“Blue?” Joanne answered timidly.
“Yes, the highest people in our culture are blue, or a dark shade of blue, as you can see on me. However,” the woman peered at Joanne. “In our culture, when a child is born with skin the color of yours, he or she is revered as if they are a god or goddess, and those of us who had to earn our color serve them in our own ways.” Joanne stared at the woman, not really understanding anything. “You look confused,” the woman stated. “Please, what questions do you have?”
Clearing her throat, and trying not to sound rude, Joanne asked, “Well, if every child who is born with black skin is a god or goddess, don’t you have an awful amount of people to worship and serve?”
The woman inclined her head gracefully. “You make a good point Miss Mitchell. In your Earth, children are born with skin the colors of their parents, and colors are common throughout the world. We however, do not have this, which is another reason we are so keen on studying your people. We are born with skin the color of snow, ivory, a pale sand, or the trunk of a tree, but a child with your dark skin tone is rare, and highly respected for they are sent from the goddesses, having earned their color in some other way before birth.” Joanne wondered how much these people knew about human genetics and if they even played a part in their world.
“So, I’m here because I’m black,” Joanne thought a minute. “Then why aren’t there more people in that room I was in? And why aren’t they all black?”
“You have good reason to ask this Miss Mitchell. Let me continue, and I will answer your question shortly.” A bit irritated, Joanne started to feel as if she were back in her high school biology class. “Along with skin color, gender is a great factor in our culture. Females are much more influential than males, unlike your culture in which males have dominated for many long years. Our people are always asking why your people have more respect for the pale skinned and males of your kind.”
“And I’m female and black, so I’m very important to you,” Joanne interrupted, getting a little uncomfortable with all this talk that reminded her of years of inequality and racism. “But I still don’t see why I’m here along with the others. There are males, females, whites, and blacks in there, what purpose is that?”
“That brings me to another difference in our peoples. Your people are constantly in conflict with one another. In fact, your weapons and ways of fighting have advanced quickly and much farther than your other knowledge. We watched for a long time as your people fought, killed, and rebuilt each other’s lands as if they were your own. However, a recent council meeting decided your people were becoming too dangerous and destructive amongst yourselves. We began our current operation in what you would consider the span of three years ago. It has taken us that long to get this far because we began by replacing the people we took with our own droids who would imitate those we took. We also worked slowly in the hope that your people would show some improvement in your self-destruction,” the woman’s eyes seemed sad as she spoke of this. “But we were sadly disappointed, and have continued until now. You and your comrades from Earth are here to continue our research after your planet is gone, for we are still interested in how you evolved the way you did.”
“What? You took us so you could keep studying us after our homes were destroyed?” Joanne’s face was flushing with anger. “That makes no sense. Are you going to lock us in little cages and test our blood and DNA or something? And what’s the purpose of destroying Earth when you’re so keen to study us?”
“Please calm yourself, Miss Mitchell. We want you to understand what is going on here, though it may be hard at first. We are destroying your world before you destroy each other. You and your comrades are here to start a new Earth.”

Now, Now Family...lol

2007-10-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

HAHA...first off, Rachel and Dan, I LOVE biology. I meant I was struggling with it earlier. And as for Napoleon, I do not like him, I just found him more entertaining than my textbook for West Civ, and that's not much....hahaha

I did well in bio today. YAY. Back on track. I do wish I had taken AP Bio last year though. I just didn't because, well, I didn't want to, but freshman year i LOVED bio and loved Mrs. Schmidt...but since she left, i didn't want to take the class again. lol. it helps to have a good teacher. ;)

So, classes are going well. No worries. Again, I enjoy Bio. Sometimes it gets difficult though. Othertimes, it's so cool and interesting....*hugs biology* lol

mmmm....me sleepy. as you may see, it is late.

i go to Grandma's tomorrow. may make a quick post, we'll see. should post for sure on Sunday.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!

Dein immer,

Chellechen

Rurouni Kenshin!!! YAY!!!

(one of the IV girls has all the books...teehee...guess what I'M doing before bed...yep...MANGA!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Keep the Fire Burning

2007-10-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hello all!!!

Good news on my Anthropology Midterm! 50 out of 50! That includes extra credit, but, still awesome! That means I have a perfect score in that class! Quite opposite of my West Civ class...haha. That class is wacko. But I know once I dazzle the teacher with my AP writing skills, it'll be good. I just wasn't sure if I should. Lazy I know, but I learned my lesson! ;)

So, Auntie M, hehe, makes me think of Wizard of Oz, which makes me think of Wicked, which I am wearing a shirt from, which makes me happy! Which reminds me I need to find a costume for halloween, I want to be Elphaba...
Which is totally of topic here!
Auntie M shared some verses with me that I liked:

Jeremiah 20:9 "...his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, Icannot."
Jeremiah 23:29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the Lord, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?"

Jeremiah has some great verses. Including one of my faves for hard times:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Those verses from Auntie M really go with "keeping the fire burning" as I mentioned in my last post. I plan on doing a few things to get myself ready for something big the summer of '09. *evil grin* some of you might know what it is I'm alluding to. Others, wait and see. I don't want to say I'm doing it for sure yet. It'll take some work. (and lots of money...lol)

Mmm...pleasant surprise last night. Beagle was online. Totally forgot it was a holiday in Germany. We're talking now actually, he just went to eat. He's leaving soon though. still, it's nice to see him during the week. Really gives me a boost. ;)

I have to get the second part of my TB test today...probably didn't mention I had that done at all...but I am now. ;)
I'm a little concerned, because the one I got last week gave me a bump and a bruise that were tender, and it's like a little red burn mark on my arm right now. But it was too far away from the area they gave me the shot at, so they said I was negative and probably reacted to some chemicals in the preservatives or something. Guess we'll find out when they do it in the other arm!!!

Native joked, (we watched Moulin Rouge a few weeks ago at Jen's), that if I do have TB, I can just find Ewan McGregor and live out the movie, and die happily in his arms. LOL. If he sang to me...I totally would go for that...lol

Well, trying to think of more to say...
I think i'll post my pics and thoughts from fall retreat later today. When I should be studying. lol. No, after I read the rest of the French revolution. I swear, the French revolution sounds cool, and I know it's part of Les Mis, but the book makes it seem boring and stupid. I honestly can't see a point in them writing about it! It makes no sense the way they wrote it. ugh. How am I supposed to write an essay when they didn't go into any good details, and just gave me mundane info? Ick. I hate this book. The bio we're reading on Napoleon is better!!!

Speaking of that bio...we have the essay question all ready for our next exam on Oct. 25, and I totally know I can ace, or at least do better, on this one. Because the question fits with the AP format great. ;)
I'm excited about that essay. *what a dork* but I do wonder what side to take...do our actions form us or the situations presented to us? It can go either way, especially with Napoleon...I wonder if I can take that view...lol

Ok, no one cares about that...
Now, off to do some easy Anthropology homework!!! God forbid I get one wrong and tarnish my perfect score! *lol...sorry...that class is just easy to do well in, at least homework wise. and i'm not trying to be full of myself, but i am glad i'm doing well in there. ;)* *don't think i'm snobby, please, lol*

Giddy,

Chelle

Long Time, No Post

2007-10-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

mmmm...this will have to be quick

basically, fall retreat was amazing! i had a lot of fun getting closer to some of the girls from IV, and meeting some new people. It was interesting being one of the youngest ones. There's another girl my age, but she's married, so I don't think people see her as "young". lol

so, later when i have more time i'll post a few pics i took, and maybe share some thoughts i had. i found great Bible verses, and wrote a song. hehe.

right now, i need to get more work done. I'm not really "behind" in my studies, just not where i'd like to be. since i didn't have weekend time to study, i have to make up for it now i guess. ;)

but it's not so bad.

ah, highs and lows...

Raincloud: Biology just got harder for me. Funny thing is, I was better at the chemistry part. Why does my major have to require bio...lol.

I've noticed that when I like something, I'm not as good at it. Hence my "struggles" with bio. I'm not "struggling", but, it's more complicated than I remember. lol

Sunshine: Fall retreat! Just fun, and nice to come closer to God. Let's just hope all that fire doesn't die too quickly.

mmk...French Revolution calls!!!

and tomorrow...i will make a point of checking on flu shots, k momma? ;)

LOVE YOU ALL

Studiously Yours,

Chelle

PS Auntie M...haha...you know who you are...i LOVE that fortune cookie quote.

"First thing tomorrow morning when you leave your house, make a left turn."

I mean, what kind of fortune is THAT? lol

Right Where I Belong

2007-09-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Just had to share some wonderful things I ran into today...

Kathryn Larson
Kristine Larson
Mueller

You know you're where you belong when you run into names eeriely close to yours or someone close to you. ;)
When I saw the first one, I thought, did they mess up my name that badly? lol
And I was excited when the last name Mueller popped up somewhere. ;)

Mmm...no posts until Monday, I don't think...maybe late Sunday...leave for the fall retreat after class tomorrow. YAY

And it's lovely and cold at night now...so...camping in the cold! WOOHOO!!! lol

Bundled up, but comfy,

Chellechen

Redemption Installment 3

2007-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: this will seem "political" at one point, possibly, but it's NOT. the meaning will be seen at the end, do not assume I am bashing people or cultures, I am simply writing a story. the end will show you what i mean by the whole.
Also, grammar will not be perfect. this is all a first draft. who knows how I may change things in the end. you are blessed to see my messy beginning. ;)

*See my posts Redemption Installment 1 and 2 for the beginning of the story.

The man held up a hand to silence her. “We have obviously upset you,” he said in that grainy, mechanical voice. Joanne shivered. “We must beg your forgiveness and ask you how we can help you.”
Joanne stared at the man in complete and utter awe.
“Forgiveness? What can you do for me?” She shook her head. “I don’t get it. I almost killed your leader, and you’re asking ME for forgiveness?”
The light blue man blinked once, seemingly unfazed by her bewildered questions. “What exactly upset you? We must know that before we can do anything to help you.”
Joanne’s eyes filled with tired tears as she wished for some end to this nonsense. “Those two men, they said you were going to destroy Earth,” the light blue man actually reacted to this. His eyes enlarged, and he stiffened even more.
“This bothers you?” There was a hint of hesitation in his voice.
Joanne nodded feebly. “Of course it does, though I’m not sure I believe it. I mean, this whole thing is bizarre,” she tried to laugh but had to suck in a deep breath to prevent more tears from falling. “Can I just go home now, this is too much for me,” she pleaded with the blue man.
He made no reply, instead he hit a button on the table in the room they had entered and clicked into the air. He paused and watched Joanne closely. “There will be someone here shortly to speak with you. For now, the mission has been cancelled.”
Though Joanne had no idea what he was talking about, his sudden change in mannerism was comforting. His mechanical voice seemed softer somehow, and she saw actual concern in his eyes. Perhaps it wasn’t for her, but it was good to know she wasn’t surrounded by a bunch of highly technologically developed but insensitive creatures.
A sudden jolt shook the room. Joanne screamed, her body hitting the long table in front of her hard. The blue man kept his balance and rushed to her side, lifting her gently and awkwardly. He let go of her quickly, his eyes probing into hers. “Are you good?” Joanne nodded, ignoring his bad grammar. “Then come,” he held open the door for her. “They are here.”
Joanne followed him to a room near the one she had first come from. A bit bewildered, she stood before a large steel door, imprinted with random symbols and what looked like numbers flashing by on a thin screen at eye level. Her escort pressed a button on the wall and clicked rapidly. The door shook and opened, revealing a huge gymnasium-like arena. As they walked inside, Joanne made the assumption that this was some sort of hangar; various small aircraft, or what she assumed to be aircraft, lined the walls which had huge doorways, some opened, some closed.
Feeling a bit like she was in a Star Wars episode, Joanne wandered down to the end of the hangar with the blue man. Not paying attention to where she was going, she bumped right into him and fell silently to the ground. Looking up, she gasped, as before her a ramp was lowered from an enormous spherical shaped, thing. There was no name for it but UFO. It was sleek and black, rounded like a ball, but much bigger than anything used for transport on Earth. Still on the ground, Joanne watched as these strangely colored people exited the orb in strict rows, two by two, as if exiting the ark. The first people to exit were a light red color, almost pink, and as more came the shades of red became darker, like a box of crayons with varying hues. After red came blue, and soon the blues appeared almost black from afar. Then, there was a lull in the movement, and everyone grew still, eyes focused on the empty ramp.
All that was missing from the moment was dramatic music. A woman, dressed in black robes, with skin the deepest, shining blue imaginable, walked elegantly down the ramp, her head held high, her eyes focused straight ahead. Every knee hit the floor as she walked past, every head was bowed, and the very air held still as she walked past. Joanne looked up awkwardly from her position on the ground as the woman approached her. When her feet were inches from Joanne’s face, the woman stopped and gazed down at her with powerful gray eyes. Joanne swallowed hard, scrambling to get up into the standard kneeling position she guessed was necessary to take in this woman’s presence. But before she could complete the maneuver, the woman before her had whisked gracefully into the very position Joanne had been attempting to make. Startled, Joanne glanced around her as a rustle of bodies moved to mimic the woman’s. Joanne crouched awkwardly, gawking at all the people bowing to her. If she hadn’t been so confused and upset about everything going on, it would have been almost comical.
Random, urgent clicking awoke her from her reverie. The dark woman had begun murmuring unintelligible things at her. Joanne shook her head, trying to let her know that she didn’t understand a word, or click, she was saying. Confused, the woman looked to the blue man who had led Joanne here, who clicked rapidly to her. Nodding, the woman rose and offered Joanne her hand. The woman’s grip was strong and firm, but her hands were small and smooth, Joanne wondered what sort of position she held for these people.
In a commanding, but smooth voice the woman said, “Come, we have much to discuss.”

Just Another Wednesday

2007-09-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

Just thought i'd drop by and say hello!
lol

Not much to mention, again. I was trying to suffer through West Civ reading...ugh...i'll go back and do more soon. It's just sooooooo hard to read. I mean, it's boring. And history is exciting, or at least remotely interesting! Couldn't the people who write the books make it more that way? Occasionally they mention something, and I'm like, whoa, cool, and then I'm back to "so and so did such and such and he was great." yay...lol

It's all good though. The biography we're reading on Napoleon for the next exam is interesting. And I think I have a good essay format in mind. ;)

soooo...other than that..we adopted a lot today. cleaned up the parking lot behind our hall. woohoo. apparently bushes are a good place to store used beer cans. *shrugs*

speaking of cans...we're collecting tabs. soup tabs, pop tabs *eek, i said pop!*, beer tabs....tabs...so...if you love me, i mean...love UND, and Ronald McDonald house, send me some! lol ;)

Back to the books...

Chelle

Cold Tuesday

2007-09-25T18:39:00.001-07:00

at last, cold. lol
it's been cold, but yesterday was a disappointment, so today made up for that.

um...hmmm...
well, i could be truthful and say i didn't do well on my Western Civ exam last week. guess it's too late to say otherwise now. lol
i'm going to do TONS better on the one coming up in about a month...lol. i'm going to whip out my mad AP English skills. I wasn't too sure about how he wanted these essays...and that day was not my day either...i was quite tired...lol. so...next time should be better. ;)
though i will say this, getting an A in that class will be a challenge. he has given one A in...who knows how long! lol

mmm...i finished my bio studying...just have west. civ left...*sigh*...but it's evening...time to write! lol
right before my hall gov meeting that is.

laters!!!

Dein,

Chellechen

Dreary Monday

2007-09-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

boo

as if Monday wasn't bad enough by itself, let's make it icky, warm, cloudy, and drizzily.

i would be ok if it would just RAIN. come on sky, BE A MAN!!! lol

rain is great. it depresses me though when it's wimpy rain that isn't even rain. like clouds just spitting on you.

and today was too warm. i hate warm and wet. i know it sucks to be cold and wet, but then you can cuddle up somewhere and feel better. i have to come to my room, put on shorts and a tank, and keep the fans on

yuck

lol

mmm...just another day really. a lady came by and talked about co-op in our psych class. i should look into that. could be fun.

other than that...not much going on. though i do feel hug deprived. i once heard you should get 15 hugs a day to be really healthy. yeah...i've gotten...oh...at most 10 hugs in the month I've been here.

WHOA...a month. over a month. wow. hard to believe how fast things start going. mmm

went to Grandma's over the weekend. she liked my value drawing of one of her thimbles that i did for art class. ;) i don't like it so much, but whatever. lol

in art today we had to bring our own subjects, well, not HAD to, but it was encouraged. so i just used my cell phone. lol. at least that goes kind of fast. we have to draw it 5 times. i'm on my third one.

so, nothing left to report really. fall retreat this weekend!!! i'm excited for that.

and i downloaded 50 songs! i got 50 free downloads from my Rent ticket. that makes it even more worth it! lol

Native may go with me to see Rent. we'll see...lol

Well, I love you all!

OH!!! Just because I didn't have Bible study doesn't mean I can't have my weekly report!

Raincloud: KK (old nickname i had for my sis) and the Jeans are splitting up. ;(

Sunshine: A whole bunch of people from F-world called me this weekend. ;) 'Twas fun.

And now, I leave you.

TTFN,

Chelle

Offensive

2007-09-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was rough for me. With bad news comes crappy emotions.

Worst part? It's not my pain I feel. I feel the pain I imagine others must have, and I cry for them. Because nothing is wrong with me, it's the ones I love I worry about. And that makes the hurt even deeper.

I wrote a lot. Just to let my emotions out.
The sad thing is, if I posted them here, people would be angry/upset with me. Because the things I wrote about are rarely spoken. It wasn't bad, it's just...the elephant in the room no one talks about.
Truth is people, it happens, and we have to acknowledge that. Otherwise, we'll never get over it. And, it'll happen again and again, and the "elephant" will just grow...until eventually you CAN'T ignore it, and it's hard to get rid of.

*shrugs*

I firmly believe that we have to press on, and somehow deal with those times.

my way of dealing? writing.

so, to prevent more family problems, and to spare people's feelings, my writing will be posted another time. ;)

*hugs* I just hate feeling other peoples pain. Because then I don't know when to stop!!! lol

Lovingly yours,

and one day willing to share my heart,

Chelle

PS I'm praying for you all! Remember:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 21:11

PPS I know some will say "We love you anyway, don't be afraid to share," well, trust me, this can wait. ;) i'm dealing with my feelings, and others are dealing with other things...so...now is not the time to share. lol.

Where to go...

2007-09-18T12:01:00.001-07:00

I came up with this analogy while I was walking back to my dorm.

I'm swimming in the ocean right now, and I've spotted a few bits of land that look pretty promising for me, but I need to keep swimming and scope out the whole area before I settle on any one "island" or shore.

I'm talking about majors, and jobs, and life decisions. I met with a lady in the Education dept. just a few minutes ago, it was helpful. I am definitely going to see how far I can go with the German stuff, which means I need to take one more test and then start figuring out my classes and such, which I basically know all ready, it just depends if I place out of any more. ;)

So, yeah, I need a psych class for sure next semester...and we'll see how I feel about that.
As long as I'm working with kids, I'll be happy. lol

One thing I have to do no matter what, write. Even if I'm the only one who likes it...lol. though, I hope to get at least one story or something I write out there before my time is up. I have plenty of ideas. It's just a trick of finding time and energy to write it all out. ;)

So, yep. Nap time, then studying, AIM meeting, more studying, and hall gov, and sleep, and then it's tomorrow. lol

LOVE LOVE LOVE,
CHELLE

Hello All

2007-09-16T19:40:00.001-07:00

I'm back by popular demand!
Just kidding.

Nothing really note-worthy has happened, so I didn't quite know what to write.

I did go to the football game this weekend. It was fun, didn't stay the whole time, but it was good. Native and I took the bus over there together, and he had one of those balls with the...i dunno...like a large kooshball almost, anyway, it was green, and he wore it on his head. reminded me of the time we got those as prizes for a band fundraiser and everyone put them on their horns and saw how large they could blow them up. ;)

Good times.

Everyone either loved his green "hair", or looked at him funny. I laughed, it was great to see people's reactions.

Other than that, this weekend has been layed back. Talked to Beagle a lot more than usual. *gleam* that was nice. He sent me TONS, ok, 68, pics from Gerolstein *i think that's how you spell it...* that's where he was for training and such. His dad and grandpa must have gone up there for some sort of ceremony. I don't know. He didn't explain the pics. I'm just assuming. lol

I might post a few of those here. He looks really good in his uniform. *swoon* lol

So, nothing too thrilling. *shrugs* Just life. ;) Which is good. lol

Dein,

Chelle

*i don't get enough hugs any more...someone hug a rock and pretend it's me. ;)*

Crazy College Girls, and A Few Thoughts

2007-09-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

Let's start with Wednesday night. Ballroom dancing.
WOW
haha.
SOOOO much fun. But I was exhausted. whew. And my legs are KILLING me now. Like I need bigger thighs...they're going to get bigger now. I all ready ripped a pair of jeans this week. I was just sitting, and I realized there was a small hole!!! *WAH* One of my favorite pairs too. *tears* It always happens. If jeans fit my waist, they're too tight around my thighs and eventually fray/rip/etc. But, when they do fit my thighs, they're a bit loose on my waist...so...i guess I just need to buy some belts. lol
Anyway, it was a lot of fun. We had some crazy dances to learn. I danced with Native almost the whole time, and then they told us to switch partners. Ok, no biggie. Well, earlier, this guy had obviously started hitting on me. He honestly did look familiar, and well, it wasn't awkward, until we were discussing where we could have met, and he came up with that brilliant line, "in your dreams?" *rolls eyes* He didn't actually say it directly. Native came up and asked if he was hitting on me, and I laughed, and then the guy said he was about to ask if I had seen him in my dreams.
Ok, so then, I had to get a new partner. The guy seemed nice enough, I danced with him. *shudder* He does not understand "the bubble". He got WAY too close for swing dancing, was staring at parts of my body he did not need to...and just touched me and rubbed my hands while we danced. yeah, not cool when i JUST met him. I told Native to never let me dance with him again. lol
yeah...i'm sure he's nice, but a really nice guy would not be quite so forward. really bothered me.

I need a sign that says, "Taken", or something. *rolls eyes*

So yesterday...bio exam...38 out of 40!!! YAY!!! *happy dance*
played pool with Native, totally sucked...took a 2 and 1/2 hour nap!!! just what the doctor ordered!!! went to the french fry feed, was totally hyper...and definitely scared some people at dinner, it was pretty funny. and IV was last night...I got emotional.

the talk was about things we want that God denies us, or when we feel angry with God, etc. we watched a clip of this pastor, Rob Bell, it was really cool. he talked about his little boy wanting a certain toy, but he wouldn't get it for him because he knew it wouldn't be fun after a while, and instead got him a great kickball. he related that to how we sometimes want something but God doesn't give it to us, because he has something better waiting.

so, mostly we mentioned that we wanted direction in life, and of course I brought up the Africa situation. i got upset, because I started thinking again about how Beagle isn't very supportive, ok, not supportive AT ALL, about me going there. i guess i get scared sometimes, but i know I can have him and do God's will for me in Africa. it's just hard not being able to talk to Beagle about it right now and plan this out, because he won't hear anything about it, not until we're face to face and it's easier to communicate. which is understandable. but hard.

but, i got better. our ARHD drove a friend and i to the Green Mill afterwards, and we jammed out to VeggieTales in the car. soooo fun. lol
i know i freaked a few people out, they never expected me to be so...crazy. it helped that i had a nap, and caffiene at dinner. *gleam*

OH, at IV I "won" $20 off payment for a fall retreat, so, i guess i'm going! lol. it's over homecoming, but no biggie. i think my ARHD and I are going to bunk together. we can have veggietales sing-alongs all night. HEHEHEHE

all right, Anthropology time!!! and later tonight, IV girls are having a girl's night! make-up (i assume), giggles, food, and Lord only knows what else! lol

Crazy college girl,

Chelle

French Fry Feed...

2007-09-13T14:50:00.001-07:00

Going to the biggest French Fry Feed in the country.

You know, I would have laughed hysterically if someone told me that's what went on up here. It just sounds so...funny! lol

Well, whatever. Time to go gain all my freshmen 15 in 15 minutes!!!!

The Joys of Caffeine

2007-09-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

*grins*

had some yummy coffee this morning. i was too exhausted to go to art, but I dragged myself out of bed...and that carmel macchiato really did it for me. ;)

i think my body knows what i need. i've been thristy and tired a lot, and the lady at the health center said to drink more fluids and sleep. ;) YAY for listening to my physical urges. HAHAHA

so, definitely helps to have things to do. I don't like running around, but having a goal, or purpose, good stuff.
having nothing to do makes me feel useless and lazy. it's good to have something, accomplish or finish it...and THEN be lazy. lol

Saw my cousin and her baby!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE
SOOOO cute!!!
I sang to her and talked to her, in English and German. ;) hehe
She liked the German more I think. So, if she suddenly has strange tendencies to German things or speaks random phrases, you can thank yours truly. *bows*

Just like if Colton back home makes different animal sounds, you can thank Beagle for teaching him the German sounds animals make. HAHA...so funny. He liked this one book, and Beagle looked at it with him, and it's really just pictures...so Beagle made the animal sounds...you should have seen the poor kid's face. He wasn't not even 2, but he knew something was wrong. I looked at him and came over to find Beagle and him looking at a pic of a frog and Beagle saying, "Quack, Quack," hehe, poor baby. He won't be gender confused, just species confused.

Anyway...be spending a lot of time with Native lately. He got me hot chocolate over at the coffee house and we just talked for hours. It was fun. One of those deep conversations. Sometimes. Sometimes we just reminisced on our childhood and how the old stuff, even before our time, is better than the newer stuff.
And today we studied for Bio. First exam tomorrow! Not too worried. But I am studying, don't panic. ;)
Ballroom club in a half hour too...man...lol
He and I are going to be good buddies, I can tell. Which is nice, it's good to have a guy friend to talk to.

I was trying to get a job pretty much any where, and suddenly I have jobs everywhere. lol. Not really...but the child care center said they couldn't hire me yet, so I said, well, give me some times in spring and I'll schedule my classes around that so I can work. And then I was going to wash dishes this semester at the dining hall across the street. But I think we got confused, and I may now be working further down the road, which won't be cool in winter. Well, it'll be cool, but not how i'd like it, ;)
And the child care lady said she would sign me up "RIGHT NOW"...i wonder if i annoyed her because she really wrote it that way...sorry but i want the job....lol....but i hope she means for spring. So I have things to clarify.

*sigh* And the study abroad fair was today. No one specific to talk about Germany options though. I'm going to have to email the German teacher and ask about it a little. there's a thing in Berlin this coming summer...but I'd rather do that in another year...so i'll see if that's something that's repeated or not...ya know.

I have lots to do, but not too much really at the same time. It's nice. Nothing pressing, just things to look into and think about.

Meeting next week about a degree in teaching German. That'll be good...help me start deciding what to do and all.

oh, so i told momma i'd write about my awkward moment with myself....
i was in the health center, waiting, and just picked up a magazine, i was like, ok, cute guy on cover, should be interesting. it was. i think it was a gay men's mag. i was flipping through it, and everything was just, gay this, gay bars, gay wedding songs...men in underwear...and i thought...hmmm...i shouldn't be reading this! lol
it was just funny. my eyes got kind of big, but luckily no one really noticed. i thought it was funny...i just pick up the nearest mag that looks interesting and suddenly i'm reading about the best gay bars and top songs at gay weddings...*shrugs* maybe you have to be me...

ok, my fingers are tired. lol

Bye for now,

Chelle

Redemption Installment 2

2007-09-11T21:54:00.001-07:00

(I prefer writing in the evening...I feel more...creative....then. ;) This week is crazy, I may not post for real for a while. sorry.)

(this is kind of starting where i left off...she's in the room with her "comrades")

A small white woman approached her first, a few messy strands of red curly hair falling into her smiling face. The woman gingerly wrapped a blanket around Joanne and then sat back and stared at her, kind of like the dark blue captain had done, only this woman’s whole face smiled with her. Joanne fidgeted as the others came forward and surrounded her in a semi circle of wide eyes and eager faces. A bit overwhelmed, she sank further into the blanket the woman had wrapped around her and shrunk against the wall. The others pulled in closer, their bright eyes pouring into her very being.
“Could you all please back up a little bit? I’m getting claustrophobic,” Joanne chirped from behind the warmth of the blanket. Surprisingly, everyone backed up a few feet and sat quietly watching for a few more minutes.
The red head woman who had first approached Joanne spoke first. “So, where are you from?” Her voice was high and cheerful; the kind Joanne found the most obnoxious in the early morning when she wasn’t even sure she should be out of bed.
“I’m from Georgia,” Joanne looked at the faces around her. “Why does it matter?”
“We’re trying to find a pattern, some kind of clue as to why they picked us,” the red headed woman explained. “I’m from Great Britain, but I was born in the US.” She gestured in turn to the others surrounding Joanne. “This is Keiji,” a thin Asian man bowed his head at Joanne. “He’s from Japan. Next to him is Maylin,” a small Asian woman bowed also. “She’s from China. This young man here, Leo, is from Italy,” Joanne blushed as a very attractive boy with dark hair smiled at her. “Tene is from Kenya,” an older black man nodded slightly. “Anja, I assume she’s about your age, is from Russia,” a pretty young woman with blonde hair smiled politely. “Chinue, we’re not sure where she’s from, she doesn’t speak any language we or our captors know,” a black girl sat back a little bit from the group, huddled in her blanket, occasionally looking over Joanne, and then back at the blanket wrapped tightly around her body. “This is Jabari from Pakistan,” an older Middle Eastern man diverted his eyes from Joanne’s. “And my name is Rosemary, like I said, I grew up in the States, but I’ve been living in Great Britain for a few years now.” The red-headed woman smiled cheerfully.
Joanne nodded with raised eyebrows, looking over the mismatched group once more. “What exactly are we doing here then?” This dream was getting complex. She had to wake up soon.
Rosemary leaned in close to whisper. “We’re not quite sure. We’ve tried to figure it out, but they don’t really want to talk to us too much. They’ve told Tene, Keiji, Jabari and Maylin a little, but they really want to talk to Chinue,” Joanne’s gaze floated back to the frail black girl huddled in her blanket. For a moment, their eyes met and held, then Chinue shrank back into herself. “I think they’re close to breaking the language barrier with her. But, I wouldn’t know,” she smiled stiffly. “They hardly talk to Anja, Leo and I.”
“Hold on, who exactly are “they” anyway?” Joanne asked as she tried to piece things together, wondering if she should see a doctor about this weird dream.
“You’d have to ask Jabari or Tene, they know more than any of us,” Rosemary nodded to the two men who were now in deep conversation with one another. Joanne hesitated.
“This is a dream, right?” She muttered aloud. Rosemary put a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Honey, this ain’t a dream. Trust me. Each one of us struggled with that for a while, but you’ll come to terms with it soon enough.” She offered a smile, but Joanne could tell Rosemary hadn’t quite come to terms with “it” herself.
A little disbelieving, Joanne approached the older men, who abruptly stopped conversing and looked at her inquisitively. She smiled faintly and sat beside them, wrapping her blanket around her shoulders, it seemed the room was getting colder.
“Can I ask you guys something?” The two men nodded silently. Joanne cleared her throat, not knowing what to ask first. “Where are we?”
Jabari and Tene glanced at one another, said something in a language Joanne couldn’t understand, and then Jabari spoke to her, “We’re in an alien space craft.”
Please let my alarm go off soon, Joanne thought, but somewhere deep inside, she was beginning to understand that this was not a dream. She cleared the throat again. “And, um, why do these “aliens” have us on their space craft?” Joanne tried to keep her voice calm, but the realization that she wasn’t dreaming was hard to take. Everything felt too real to even be a realistic dream. This was reality, a dreamlike reality.
Tene whispered something to Jabari who frowned before answering. “We aren’t one hundred percent sure, but we think they’re going to destroy Earth.”
Joanne’s eyebrows shot up and she choked back a laugh. “You’re kidding, right?” She asked, looking back and forth between the two somber men. Obviously, these weren’t the kind of guys to play a cruel joke on a new comer. Joanne sank back, confused, tired, and a bit overwhelmed. Then the door opened, letting in a blast of hot air and three green skinned men, each pushing large carts. Joanne jumped up at their entrance, and the men stopped in the entranceway. The green men and Joanne stared back at one another awkwardly, until she burst out into tears. The three men looked at one another, and one ran back out of the room and down the tunnel. Joanne’s whole body shook with emotion. She pinched herself, the old fool proof way to tell if you’re dreaming, and screamed at the immense pain she caused herself. Jabari and Tene watched her with wide eyes, unsure whether to help her, or shrink away.
Finally, the dark blue captain ran in and began clicking urgently at Joanne who grabbed for his uniform and pulled him to her in an angry rage.
“You get me out of here you freak! You hear me! Get me out!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, making the green men and Jabari and Tene jump back away from her, but she held on tight to the captain’s dark uniform. “This isn’t funny anymore, ok? Take me home!”
The captain clicked and chirped in protest, but Joanne couldn’t find any solace in the strange language. She pushed him back into one of the carts the green men had been pushing, causing him to tumble over backwards, knocking down the cart, landing with a loud bang on the floor. Joanne hesitated, stifling back the tears as she stared at the motionless man before her. The room filled with silence, until the lighter blue man who had spoken English with Joanne before paused casually by the open doorway.
Unblinkingly, he gestured to Joanne, who stumbled forward and around the body of the captain, who was now squirming a bit, and the over turned cart.
“Aren’t you going to punish me?” Joanne stuttered as she followed the man to another room down the tunnel. “I could have killed that man! You should be tying me up to some weird shrink ray, or, or, laser beam, or send me out in a little space pod, or-”
The man held up a hand to silence her. “We have obviously upset you,” he said in that grainy, mechanical voice. Joanne shivered. “We must beg your forgiveness and ask you how we can help you.”
Joanne stared at the man in complete and utter awe. “Forgiveness? What can you do for me?” She shook her head. “I don’t get it. I almost killed your leader, and you’re asking ME for forgiveness?”
The light blue man blinked once, seemingly unfazed by her bewildered questions. “What exactly upset you? We must know that before we can do anything to help you.”

Quick Hello

2007-09-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today being Monday, it's been busy. But, nothing too horrible, or exciting. lol

Had a Bible study with some girls I've been hanging out with lately. I really like them. It's a fun group, so...YAY...lol

They gave me an idea for something I can do here, sunshine and rainclouds. Highs and lows for the week.

So, here are mine...

Raincloud: I know some people don't want me posting this on my blog, but, it's gotten me down and very upset lately. Some family members of mine are struggling with their marriage, and I'm really worried/afraid. I hate conflict. *shudder* So, knowing there's something wrong and not knowing quite what, and being too far away to do much, it's hard. That's my raincloud.

Sunshine: A little thing, but it really brightened up my day. This random guy passed me on a bike while I was walking back from class last week, I honestly don't know him and have never seen him before, and he smiled and said, "Have a nice day." *grins* That made me feel good. Some random person commanding me to have a nice day. lol

Well, tomorrow is busy too...this whole week really. AND it's Potato Bowl...so I think I'll go to the football game. I think Native is going, he said I should get a ticket...so I suppose I'll go this once. lol

Largest french fry feed coming up! WHOO WHOO

lol

AND...I get to see my cousin, her hubby, and their CUTE little baby tomorrow!!! YAY

SOOOOOOO excited.

And it's cooling down up here! *SQUEAL*

Going to get some good use out of my winter clothes yet!!!

I was definitely getting down this weekend, but having things to do really helps. I think I get depressed when I feel there's nothing to do. It's kind of funny, if it won't get me any where in the long run, it won't entertain me for long. I try playing stupid computer games...still bored, still slightly depressed. Though, I'd rather not read my West. Civ. book...lol...i still need some at least remotely productive, like writing, or coloring a picture for somebody. ;)

In the mean time, I have to pick movies for my AIM meeting tomorrow, and get stuff ready for class in the morning.

Lovingly yours,

Chelle

By the way, today was free hug day, hope everyone gave/received a hug!!!

Here's one from me: *hugs all around*

Redemption Installment 1

2007-09-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

My story to redeem myself in my families eyes. ;)

Monday morning, August 21, 2007, at approximately 6:34 and 30 seconds, the ship landed at the docking site. All was quiet along the street as the Myantides quickly began the tedious work of extracting the specimen from its habitat.
By 6:34:45 the specimen was safely aboard the craft and the droid was ready to be inserted into the habitat. But the Myantide captain shut down the operation. There would be no need for a droid this time. The specimen’s habitat would not last to see its absence. 6:34:52, the ship was back in space again, the crew preparing for demolition.
At precisely 6:35:00, Joanne’s alarm clock went off.

A strange humming sound filled the room and awoke Joanne. She wondered what time it was, and turned to look at her alarm clock, but it was gone. Everything was gone. Instead of her twin size daybed, she was laid out on a cold stone table, and her mahogany furnishings were gone, replaced by absolute emptiness in a room washed in a brilliant blue light. Either she had been abducted by aliens, or she was dreaming. Figuring it was a dream she relaxed back onto the table and closed her eyes, thinking if she fell asleep, she’d wake up again back in her own room. It should be close to 6:35 by now. Any minute her alarm would go off and she’d get ready for another predictable day of work and school. The cold surface of the table stung her bare arms, and she pondered the strange way dreams could feel so real, and how one could sometimes control their actions within a dream.
Except for the humming everything was silent, and after a few minutes Joanne opened her eyes again and sat up. It must be a dream; aliens would have tied her up or something and be performing all sorts of strange tests on her. She got up off the table and wandered to a steel frame that resembled a doorway. Tentatively, she put her palm against it and pushed. The door swung outward, revealing a large tunnel with a few other doors like this one on each side. She ignored the doors for now, choosing to wander down the tunnel, where a green light was glowing. Her feet were bare, and she was still in her shorts and t-shirt, her typical summertime bed attire. The floor was a bit warm on her toes, and she moved quickly down the passage, feeling bursts of warm air flowing at her from the source of the green light. She wondered if this was the smartest thing to do. But this was a dream, the worst that could happen was she’d wake up and have to go to work.
Loud clicking noises emanated from a room just off the passage. There was an archway for an entrance, and Joanne stopped right in front of it to look around. The room was like something out of Star Trek. No, it HAD to be from Star Trek. Control panels, screens, computers, and a huge window that overlooked the galaxy. A tiny green and blue sphere seemed to rotate in midair outside the ship, and Joanne guessed that was Earth. She tried to remember what she had watched on TV the night before, but Extreme Makeover Home Edition didn’t seem a good excuse for this dream.
The clicking noises were coming from the people manning the craft. Well, they looked like people. They had the same basic shape and body size, two arms, two legs, most appeared to have two eyes, one nose, and a mouth, but their skin was anything but black or white. Iridescent was the best word for it. Some were green, a few blue, but the majority were an iridescent red. Joanne stood staring, wondering at the things her mind could come up with late at night.
A female with blue skin and dark black hair braided down her back spotted her first. She rushed over to a dark blue male dressed in a black uniform with multiple pins and stripes adorning his sleeves. Joanne guessed he was some kind of commander. She took a tentative step into the warm control room, and all movement suddenly stopped as every eye turned to look at her. The heat from the air vents rushed through her body, and she fell panting to the floor, breathing heavily as if she had just run a marathon.
The man in the black uniform pulled her to her feet and dragged her back into the tunnel. He propped her against the tunnel wall and a few clicking noises later, a few green men dressed in white had run off and through another door off the tunnel. Joanne stared blankly at the man kneeling beside her. His eyes seemed to laugh, but his face stayed serious as he looked her over. He was just as human as Joanne was, except the strange deep blue of his skin. She shook her head, feeling the effects of the immense heat wear off, and wondering how much more real this dream could feel.
The man opened his mouth and moved his tongue, producing various clicks and whistles that Joanne just couldn’t comprehend. She blinked rapidly, and shook her head vehemently, trying to wake up. Two large hands gripped either side of her head as she shook it, and the blue man clicked at her again.
“It would be best for you to stay still until you are feeling a bit better,” a mechanical voice came from above her. Joanne looked up slightly to see a man a few shades of blue lighter than the one before her, dressed in a red uniform.
“Oh good, someone in my dream speaks English,” Joanne laughed, but both blue men just watched her silently. She cleared her throat awkwardly. “So, what is this thing anyway?” She gestured to the space around her. “I mean, it’s my dream and everything, but I have no clue what’s going on!” She laughed nervously, looking from one man to the other.
The lighter blue man clicked at the darker one, who eagerly clicked back as he stared at Joanne. The second man nodded and spoke, “The captain wishes to welcome you aboard his ship. In your Earth tongue you might call it, a space craft. If you are feeling better, we would be glad to escort you to where your comrades are.”
“Comrades? I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Come with me,” the light blue man clicked at the captain, who smiled slightly, patted Joanne on the shoulder, rose, and went back to the control room where movement had started again. The light blue man began to walk away from Joanne, and she figured she should follow him. She pushed herself up weakly and struggled to catch up. Her body felt strangely heavy and tired, but she made it to the door the light blue man held open for her. “In here, I will not join you, but someone will be along shortly to feed you.” Joanne scratched her head, but entered the lightless room, which was much cooler than the tunnel. The door shut quietly behind her, and a few hushed voices came out of the darkness. A light suddenly turned on, and Joanne was startled to find various lumps scattered across the room writhing and kicking at her feet.
Before she could react, a head poked out of a blanket and shouted, “A newbie!” The other forms grew heads out of their blankets too and wide eyes looked at her in fascination as they came out of their cocoons. These people looked relatively normal, about as normal as a person could be. There seemed to be about nine of them, five men, and four women, a few black, some white, and others Asian. Joanne sighed at the elaborate designs of her mind. She sunk wearily to the floor, wondering how it was possible to need to sleep within a dream.
A small white woman approached her first, a few messy strands of red curly hair falling into her smiling face. The woman gingerly wrapped a blanket around Joanne and then sat back and stared at her, kind of like the dark blue captain had done, only this woman’s whole face smiled with her.

Normal Days...

2007-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Well...nothing to really "report". ballroom club just registered yesterday, no dancing yet. so Jen and Native and I just hung out. listened to some phantom of the opera songs and watched moulin rouge. ;) love that movie. ewan mcgregor makes me swoon. he has a lightsaber, and sings, not in the same movie, but still, it's pretty hot.

i still think they need a star wars musical so he can show off his hot voice. ;)

i really don't know quite what to say. everything's going fine. classes aren't too hard. i have a lot of reading, but...it's all pretty straight forward, so far. lol

i need to call in to take that next German exam. so far i don't have to take first year, duh. lol

and for a minor i just have to get through third year really. we'll see. i need to discuss that with my advisor.

i think i'll have to do research next semester for psych. which is fine. my 120 class can help me figure all that out. ;)

so, things are pretty slow. just...doing what i have to do to get by. nothing thrilling.

EXCEPT...

next week Rach, Dan, and Ky are coming!!! BABY!!! *squeal* can't wait!!! lol

all right, i got stuff to do...buy some shirts for some relatives, grandma will reimburse me ;), art stuff before i forget, read Black Death, look over a little of bio...we'll see what else i can think of. ;)

Later days,

Chelle

Weighed Down, or Lifted Up?

2007-09-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Today, I picked up my essay quiz from West. Civ. that we did Thursday and looked over the comments. He marked grammatical stuff, and at the bottom he wrote, "not bad, well written" and my score said, 8. Last time I had a 6, so I was like, hmmm, must be out of 10. That's pretty good! I'm getting better! I hadn't been sure of that essay either, so it's good to know I did what I was basically supposed to, though apparently I have a little more to improve on. Then, I look at the top of the quiz where it is printed, "8 points". LIGHTBULB!!! EXCITEMENT!!! I look at my other quiz. "8 points". 6 out of 8, that quiz doesn't even count, and 8 out of 8. *happy dance in chair* And I was worried I didn't know quite how to write these essays!

lol. just had to share that. now i have to keep it up though. not too hard since he basically tells us what the questions will be.

i had to go to Career Services for my psych class, i'll have to write a report on my visit. ugh. it was all right, but i didn't learn too much that i couldn't have from someone else. at least it was short. lol
i guess there's some internships i can look into...i kind of hate that though...looking for something. doing it and being involved and even applying, great, but trying to dig something up. lol
she mentioned a few volunteer and jobs that would look good on a resume for me and such, but i don't have a car, so it's hard.
there's a co-op thing, i can look into that in the spring for the summer. i can do it anywhere too.
first though, i want to find some research i can get involved in here. so i emailed a psych professor, hopefully we'll become best buds and he can help me. lol.

i really do want to try to minor in German and get an education degree or whatever, so i'm going to look through my course book at those requirements and such...

man...this process of getting to everything bugs me. i want to do something! not talk about doing it, or that i could do it later. give me what i can do now, and i'll do it! lol
Little Miss Impatient. ;)

so Chelle is tired. i'm happy, but it feels like i have a lot to do. i really don't, but...i make it hard on myself. ;)

The explorer,

Chelle

PS I will probably post the first part of my redemption-ness this week. ;)

Happy Monday! whoa...did i just say that?

2007-09-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I did my own laundry today. And nothing changed colors. *bows* And you didn't think I could do it. lol

Doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist. *sorry daddy...;)*

Been working a little, relaxing some more. ;) Writing like there's no tomorrow of course. I think I'll go do my "redemption piece" we can call it. That way I can post the first part soon. ;)

Happy Monday everyone!!! WOW...a happy monday...kind of an oxymoron, eh?

Writing too much,

Chelle

Oh!!! and guess what? I found a new anime to watch!!! It's SOOOOOO cute! This hot, rebel like guy has to take care of a little girl...oh man...lol. I love watching a tough guy be moved by an innocent little girl. YAY!!! *Mel, check it out on veoh, it's called Aishiteruze Baby*

Today called for 2 pics. ;)

Annoying

2007-09-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

You know what's annoying? It always sounds like someone is tapping on my door. So then I get up and open the door, and no one is there. But what if someone is there and I don't get up? You know? lol

And at dinner tonight, no, first on the WAY to dinner, some frat boys had music playing REALLY REALLY LOUDLY, and I liked the song, but it was ANNOYING!!! ACK...i'd love it if my life were a musical and music played in the background behind me all the time or something...but that was uncalled for. reminds me of the guard girls and the loud rap and hip hop filling the band hall. *shudders*
Then when I was eating, I guess this group of guys were trying to be cool because they started having a very loud conversation, and though I ignored it, sometimes it was hard to and they laughed ridiculously loudly and often...and they obviously wanted a reaction out of me because they'd look back occasionally at me, but I just had this look on my face that must have said words I would never verbalize, because they always looked away again. ;) But goodness, they were so stupid! And cute, but, that just made me sick, I hate attractive guys who act like 2 year olds. ICK
You think you leave them behind in highschool...but nope...

Another inescapable thing, allergies. You can escape the heat or the cold, leave behind really annoying people...haha...but allergies, at least for some of us, are always there. STALKERS!!!
i dunno what it is that makes my lungs give up though. It's quite annoying. Especially when I can't walk up the stairs to my room without feeling out of breath. And it's not like I'm "out of shape". It was like this in the middle of guard two years ago, I just coughed and couldn't catch my breath. Humph. Hope you find that medicine's name Momma, I need some drugs. ;)

Good weekend though. Went to an apartment for a small barbeque, which was really good!!! One of the guys is a great cook. We watched The Incredibles and Robin Hood. I forgot how great that movie was! I need to get it.

So, now I've been working on studying and such. Ok, mostly I've been a writing fiend. There's this application on facebook and I'm obsessed with it, because you write and add to people's stories...obviously my kind of thing. lol

I need to update my Muffin story. And I started the story I'm going to post here, but I want to get a little more before I post. It will hopefully redeem me from the anger of my family after my whole America rant. ;)

All right, biology calls! Yay sugars and carbohydrates! Hey...i could have some while i learn about what they're doing...how wonderful...*picks up bag of candy* "Hello biology project." *grins* Yes, i've gone insane.

Goofy,

Chelle

Army Boy

2007-09-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hehe...got a pic of Beagle from one of his relatives. That's his grandpa with him in the pic.

Oops...Haha

2007-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last night was crazy. Wow, that sounds bad. lol

I ended up going with Native and Jen ,*the girl i met at the hypnotist*, to see a movie. It was fun.

Then we hung out with her roommate and two other friends of theirs at their apartment. We played Apples to Apples *YAY*, which wasn't as fun as it was at my going away party, but it was entertaining, and we watched Finding Nemo. hehe
it's funny, a lot of people here remind me of people back home, and one guy there really reminded me of...a friend back in F-world. "Dragon". haha. If he ever read this, he'd appreciate that nickname i think. ;)

So, I ended up coming home after 3. yes, AM. YAY. lol

what can i say, i'm wild....*rolls eyes*

now mother, don't freak out. these are good people. we watched Finding Nemo! how bad can we be! lol

but i think they want me to come to a barbeque their having today, and it sounds fun...but Grandma had planned on making krumkaka with me i think. uh oh. i'm going to call her and see if i should just pop by to make cookies for a while. ;)

let's see...oh, well...i didn't get to bed until 4:30 am yesterday. I felt bad because i had told Beagle i'd wake him up, around 10 our time, and obviously it was quite past that time. so we talked a little bit, i mostly layed on my pillow and was lazy. lol

OOO...his dad emailed me! YAY!!! It was in reply to the letter I wrote their family. In German thank you very much. All of it. *beams with pride* Not that it was amazing, but it must have been understandable. ;)

class yesterday was ok. Art was crazy. we did gesture drawing, which is pretty much the opposite of what we've been doing. it was fun though. besides my charcoal pencils dying on me. lol

we did sketches of people which i love of course. i did one i really really liked. it doesn't look as good as i remember now...lol. but it's not too bad. obviously the head needs work...haha...but i like the rest of it. ;)

all right...labor day weekend...better get a move on. i need to stop sitting in front of my laptop. ;)

Love,

Chelle

This reminds me, I need to find someone to go see Rent with me at the Chest. Fritz!!! I want to go, but not alone. ;)

Bio Whiz

2007-08-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

I am a biology whiz. Yep yep. lol
The quiz went well today, I got one wrong, and when we discussed as our small group, I had a good argument for it. lol
It was very close to the right one. You know, the tricky stuff. lol

Anyway, today was good. I ran into the girl I met at the hypnotist, the one who introduced me to Native. So I ate lunch with her and one of her friends. I'm just making friends all over the place! lol

Native came over to CC. He just randomly called me, I had been napping actually. lol
But it was cool. I was glad to have the company.

Lately a bunch of us from CC have headed over to dinner together. It's funny, someone comes and pounds on all the doors and then we head over there. It's fun.
I think I'm going to a youth group thing tonight. And there's another one i might get into later too.

POOPERS!!! I missed the psych club meeting. I was having too much fun at dinner. And then I had to come talk to Beagle. MENSCH!!! lol
Next time.

I'm randomly a social butterfly...*flies around room*

Speaking of critters, there was a cricket in my room today. Totally random. Scared me, I thought it was a roach or something. lol

Mmmm...labor day weekend...thank goodness. ;)

Hope everyone is doing well!!! I'll catch you guys later!!!

The Flutterby,

Chelle

Talk of the Town

2007-08-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe not the town, but the whole family seems to be talking about this. Wow. lol

So, I want to clarify some things. I'm in a stage of, discovery. Discovering the world, new things, knowledge, etc, but mostly myself. And, some of that is realizing the world isn't as beautiful as people want you to believe. It IS beautiful, but i'm sort of, stepping out of my shell and seeing things for what they are. Actually, that was me in high school. lol

Now I am trying to appreciate the world as it is. And I'm sorry if I shocked people by saying I was ashamed to be an American. I guess what I meant was, certain things embarrass me because I know parts of the world really look at that and judge all Americans based on that one bad thing. And there are plenty of good things going on, I won't deny that...but it's not publicized as much is it?

Anything I say I will get all this, oh, the world is wonderful, be proud of who you are, comments and such. And I am proud of who I am. I'm God's child. That's me.

I hate being categorized. If you know me, you might know that. Maybe I come from a certain gorup, but that group does not define me. Good and bad. I'm my own person.

The only thing I'm proud to be categorized as is a Jesus Freak. ;)

Anyway, sorry for shocking some of you. I guess I just don't see myself as apart of this world very much, so I'd rather be disassociated with it at times. ;)

Don't worry about me, in fact, I'll start my little piece on this whole episode, and post it here periodically. Then maybe you'll understand a bit more of what I mean.

In other news...

Okay day today actually. I did pretty well in art, though I drew the easiest thing possible. ;)

Still, the teacher said I made it look good. lol

In anthropology we started a film, "A Man Called 'Bee'". It's interesting to learn about this other culture and see how this man did his research there.

And, I got together with my Study Buddy for like 30 minutes. lol

He had to run and do something, but we went over the harder questions. He actually hadn't read all of it yet, and was very apologetic, of course I didn't care. It helps when I explain it to someone else. Kind of clarifies it in my brain for me. Hopefully we'll do well tomorrow. I understand more than I thought.

I think I'm well prepared for West Civ too. I hate essays though, and don't know for sure how I should write it. Not flowery, I know that, but maybe if I approach from the AP Eng angle, I can at least impress him with my skills. lol

Beagle time today. Just ended actually. He's home, no idea why. Probably one of his secret army things. lol. But he won't be around Friday. So instead of our normal time we had today, and then some time maybe tomorrow. It's nice. I miss him a lot.

The hardest thing about leaving home is not having that family to lean back on. My loneliness for Beagle has grown a lot in the past two weeks. Seeing Grandma helps a lot, but just walking around campus, I know that when I get home to my dorm, I'll be alone. And it's ok. But...even with my new friends...no one really knows me...and I need that security I guess so I don't get too...well...lonely.

It's that dumb grieving thing Peggy talked about. I go through the same stages as if someone had died when I'm seperated from Beagle.

And now my family.

But no worries guys! i'm doing great. ;) Honestly.

I can always be better, but things are going better than I thought they would.

I've hung out with the CC group at dinner lately, and it's really fun. They're so goofy.

One girl had to tell us this joke that the kids she babysits told her....

What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his own tea-pee.

*rolls eyes*

Ok...that's enough blabber for today.

*hugs and kisses to everyone*

That's one thing I miss...hugs...;(

Huggable and lovable,

Chelle

<--- too true

Officer Chelle laughs

2007-08-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

We had a hall gov meeting. I am now AIM rep. We pick the movies they show on the campus channel. They're the only ones we can watch in our lobby, we can't have DVD players, etc. So...it could be interesting. I wanted to do something. lol

Next year though...something different maybe.

Whoa...just read something online that says I have to set up the hall website and maintain it!!! Cools!!! I can do that!!! ;)

We'll see. There's an orientation in Sept. and my first meeting is next week, so, YAY for involvement! OH!!! Almost forgot!!! The psych club, SPA, haha, meets soon, soooo...

MORE YAY!!!

*yawns*

Too tired for more. Later!

Drowsily yours,

Chelle

Your Input Please

2007-08-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

All right, I did my drawing. Gave into doing hands even though EVERYONE will do hands. lol. I think for the continuous line drawing I'll do feet. But that's for later.

Right now I need some ideas. I have some space at the bottom and I need to fill the whole page. Any ideas would be great.

(click for a bigger image)

Yes, I drew this. lol. It's my best so far. Though I've only done three drawings...

I was thinking of putting the Chinese or Japanese or arabic symbol for love below the hands. Or somehow doing flowers...but I don't really know...and when you're using charcoal and you don't know, it's not wise to just start drawing. ;)

I HAVE to talk about the humane society now. EEEEEEEEEEEEEee

FUN

Haha

There are some CUTE kittens there. One named Bobbie fit right in my hand. He was a sweetie. Wouldn't let go of me. If I even tried to put him on the floor he just sunk his claws into me. AWWWWW

lol

There is one psycho kitty, Billy Bob. Wow, he had issues. But that's what made us love him!!!

The dogs were crazy. Except for three. One, a female beagle, :), was nice and quiet, and then when I went into her kennel to sit and pet her, she just started howling right in my ear. UGH

Another one, a german shepard, was really cute, but we couldn't take him out because he had leg problems or something. hopefully next time. he was a sweetheart. and another one was just the most calm thing ever. I dunno what he was. Some curly black dog, big, but he was patient and didn't jump and go wild like the others, which was adorable. And boring. lol

Can't wait to go back. I wonder when i will...

All right...I've avaded my West Civ book long enough...

Fluffily yours (I'm still covered in cat hair),

Chelle

Break

2007-08-28T11:33:00.001-07:00

Thought I'd take a small study break and say hello to everyone.

My aunt, Auntie Li, haha, *i don't want to give out identities, as obvious by my calling a friend Native...i actually forgot his name now...oops...* Anyway...Auntie Li emailed a response to my cynical post on Rammstein's Amerika. I just want to say, I get pessimistic at times. So I apologize. I do think we live in a great world, and we do have some great things going on, but a lot of people have to point out the negatives and rub it in our faces....like that video....but you know, even as I wrote that post, I knew there are good things. I was just too focused I guess. Actually, I have something I'm going to write about that. Or I'd like to. You know me, I have a million story ideas running in my head and can hardly even start one.
But...sad as it is that this world has to suffer and it's only going to get worse...God gave us love, and Jesus, and He's coming back. So as bad as it gets, but ultimately, how beautiful will it be when we are saved from our corruption? *sigh* I guess it just breaks my heart to think about it sometimes. But enough of that!!!

I have a bio study-buddy now. I think we'll get together tomorrow before Thursday's RAT. And Native and I had breakfast together again. We wandered around the MU before my class, and there was a booth set up for women's rugby. I picked up a paper, the girl said they need girls my size...but with my lungs dying after three flights of stairs....lol. Then again, training could make things better. I think I need to do something anyway. So I might check that out...and if not...my RA is friends with a guard girl, and I'm tempted to help them out with winter guard. *if it's at all like their fall guard...they need help...lol*

Today in about...an hour...a group from my res hall is going to the Humane Society!!! YAY!!! Cute kitties, and puppies, and bunnies to play with!!!
I miss my Baby, so if anyone at home reads this, give her a hug and kiss from her momma! And Mel Gel, give Chew Toy a meal worm for me. lol

At lunch today...ick...these boys started talking about a girl in line. Something like a big score or something....*shudder* It was worse listening to them than it sounds as i write it. Silly girl had really short shorts on. I was thankful for my baggy hoodie, jeans, and mousy hair. I just pulled it back with a head band today, so no frisky girl. lol. Those boys...haha....who am i to talk...at lunch last year we checked out the army guys recruiting...gotta love a man in uniform. ;)

Speaking of men in uniforms, Beagle is coming home early this week! Dunno why, but he is! Tomorrow night is reserved for him. ;) I think I can squeeze in study time for bio with my "buddy" and then talk to Beagle. Man, he is paranoid the poor thing. I would be too. Thank goodness he's surrounded by men...or is that good...eh, i trust him. But if he knew my bio study buddy is a guy...he would probably freak. Who can blame him? I'm worried enough about pretty German girls and he doesn't even see any! lol

Well, bio calls. Loud and clear. So many amino acids and proteins to study...so little interest to do so. lol
Kidding. Bio is fun. But the reading kills me. And I have a CLAT due in a week, and that's typically for seniors majoring in bio. UGH. lol

Without further ado, tchüss!

Chelle

Adventures in the North

2007-08-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Weekend Update:

Yes, I did get "lost" on my way to Grandma's using the bus. I wasn't completely sure how the bus thing worked, you know, if they had scheduled stops or something. And I'm too embarrassed to speak up of course. lol

But, it is OK. I got it now. In fact, I decided to signal a little early that I wanted to get off, and the guy looked at me like I was crazy because they don't stop there. I was like, not yet, further up! I'm just telling you! *groans* The happy medium. Don't do it early. Don't do it late. So that bus....maybe it has scheduled stops. It's all too confusing for me. At least I know now.

Grandma and I hung out Saturday. I woke up at 9:30 and she said if I wanted we could catch a bus in 30 minutes and go to the farmer's market. *laughs* I wasn't really rushed, but I couldn't dawdle like I love to do in the morning.

While we were there, all I could do was coo at the babies and dogs running around. Who cares that the college football team was there. lol

We bought some homemade German Kuchen (cakes). It was fun.

After that I just studied. WOOHOO

Oh, I did take a nap. And we washed clothes. I'll probably do another load here on my own because to take all my laundry up there is too much.

Sunday was church, and they had a birthday party for two ladies who are 91. Man, I hope I don't live that long. 18 years has all ready been a lot on me. haha.

I want to be old, if you know me you know I can't wait to be an eccentric old grandmother, but not 91. Or 109. Yuck. Someone was mentioned in the paper and she was 109 years old! Can you imagine? I don't want to think about it. I'm all ready upset with the track the world is taking, how much worse might I feel a hundred years from now?

Anyway, after that, and after I had made friends with a hyper active child, we went back home and just relaxed.

We played some games, we got really goofy, and bonded. It was wonderful. We both told each other some things we haven't told many others because they'd say we were crazy or just not appreciate it for what it is. I really had fun.

Then Matilda came on and we watched that. And THEN...in case you haven't heard...

There was a tornado warning issued for our area. There was one just south of us and it destroyed a lot of that community, and killed a 50 yr. old man.

Pretty sad.

The lightning was amazing to watch. Like sideways across the sky...and the clouds were freaky. lol. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself. We camped out on the basement stairs with some flashlights and a radio until the warning expired, and then I went happily to bed. *i was tired and had to wake up earlier than usual today*

And now here I am, dorm sweet dorm. And when I leave for class in a few minutes, I won't be back until after supper. *sigh*

I am excited about my psych class though. We'll learn about the opportunities we have here to intern and stuff and what exactly we can do with our majors, etc. It'll be fun. Hopefully I can take a "real" psych class next semester though.

Art today was....eh. I enjoy it, but I hate looking at everyone else's work. lol

I'm not amazing...none of us really are...but some are obviously better.

I can't wait to do my foot drawing though. I'm debating whether or not to draw my toes doing their cool little stretch. hahaha

Ooo...I should do a hand, fingers apart, and a foot, toes apart. lol

I originally thought I might do both hands and feet. We'll see. I might do that tomorrow. If it rains. It's kind of groggy out. If it at least doesn't rain I might hit the Wellness Center FINALLY tomorrow. lol

Momma, the care/welcome package came. No worries. I just have to go pick it up now.

Ok...not much else right now. *hugs to all*

We'll see what adventures I have today because I can't seem to get by one day without 'em.

Missing you all, Chelle

*I might do something like this for my hand/foot pic. We shall see*

Anger with the World

2007-08-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

I just completed an anthropology assignment, we had to watch a video of an anthropologist giving a speech about cultural diversity, and then Rammstein's "Amerika" video.

I feel awful. In an emotional, spiritual, worldly sense. I HATE the world now. It makes me sad to think that all these beautiful cultures are disappearing. And what's so great about a new car compared to a beautiful sunset or a newborn baby. And yet, I wouldn't let anyone seperate me from my laptop!!!

Couldn't we just let those people be. Find trees somewhere else, find another way of making products without destroying someone's home?

*sigh* This class is going to make me uncomfortable, but that's good. Because when you are pushed beyond your comfort zone, you can expand it.

But that Rammstein video...made me even more ashamed to be an American in today's society.

*sigh* On that note, I'm going to bed.

Disappointed, Chelle

Deep Thoughts take two

2007-08-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Well, hopefully I can get this out on the blog. lol

Western Civ. is going to be a very interesting class. The reading in the book is as dull as in any other history book. But the professor is so passionate, there will never be a dull moment in class.

He started our class Tuesday saying there was one thing he knew about all of us, (his students); we can think. "...humans, unlike other animals," he pointed that out from our book, we have the ability to think and rationalize, question and discover, etc.
The book took this out of this edition, but he thought it was important and printed out a copy, what Pascal said about humans;

"I can well conceive a man without hands, feet, head (for it is only experience which teaches us that the head is more necessary than feet). But I cannot conceive man without thought; he would be a stone or a brute."

and this is most interesting;

"...if the universe were to crush him, man would still be more noble than that which killed him, because he knows that he dies and the advantage which the universe has over him; the universe knows nothing of this."

Wow. At first I thought...ok...that made little to no sense. But then our professor talked about it, and I read it again. Nature is ultimately stronger than we are. Floods, hurricanes, blizzards, earth quakes, etc. But the universe acts without thought. The ocean and wind don't get together one day for coffee and say, "Hey, New Orleans could use a good cleaning don't you think? Let's get together and destroy it."
Neither does, and I love this example, a camel wonder WHY it's a camel. Or what it's destiny on earth is. Or, if it should have been a horse instead.

The thing our professor wants us to do is learn about ourselves and individuals as we learn about history. Kind of, where we came from, and where we are now because of it.

He's a really cute old guy who is so passionate about his work, I'm really excited about the course. But not the reading. *sigh* The books we have other than the text book are all right, we have a book on the Black Death, a biography of Napoleon, and "All Quiet on the Western Front", but the text book is killer. lol

Biology is good too. The professor has interesting examples for us. He introduced the scientific method using termites. He placed them on some paper, and one started scrambling around and he said, "Maybe he'll stay if I draw a fence around him," so he drew a red circle around it. And it was hilarious to watch on the projector, the little guy just ran along the line, occasionally weaving inside and outside the circle, but always along the line. And when he added more lines, the poor thing started going in circles, confused. haha
Anyway, the point was observation, the termite follows the line. He had us come up with hypotheses as to why that was, like, the color, a certain chemical in the ink, or just the indention in the paper. And then he suggested ways we could test that. Different color inks, pencil, and leavng an indention without an ink mark.

Sadly he didn't tell us what the reason is the termite follows the line. lol. I'm curious, but I don't want to look online...I have the urge to get some termites and experiment with them. haha. Don't worry, I won't do it.

We also formed tentative groups for quiz taking. I think mine is permanent, it's a good group. But what we do with these what the professor calls "RATs" is we take them individually, and then as a group. And both are graded. We get clickers for the individual one. And as a group we have a cool scratch off sheet for putting in our answers. If you scratch off say, B, and it's blank, you're wrong and have to keep going. But say A has a star after you scratch it, it's right! We get, as a group, four points for getting it right on the first scratch, 2 for the second, 1 for the third, and none after that.

A girl who had taken his class before said it's a really good way to learn. And it's practical, because in real life situations in the work place there will typically be a group to decide what to do, like in a surgery, there's not one doctor, there's many. So, I like that.

After biology I walked with...let's call him Native. It fits because it's painfully obvious by his accent that he's a local. ;)
Anyway, Native and I walked to lunch and ate together. It was fun. He's really nice and easy to talk to. Hopefully we can do that every Tues and Thurs after bio. It's depressing to sit alone at EVERY meal. ;)

I plan to go to grandma's tomorrow afternoon. I guess I have to squeeze in Beagle-time after anthropology and before catching the bus.

Art should be interesting tomorrow, we'll start drawing.

All this reading in biology, history, and anthropology is really, eerie. They all are connected, which makes sense if you think about it. But it's cool that I'm taking them all at once. And psychology will fit in there too. I can't wait for that to start next Monday!

I did not go to the football game, as I have had my share of football in highschool.

However, hockey games, count me in! ;)

I may not post again until Monday, as there is no internet connection at Grandma's, but I'll be sure to write about what we do/did. ;)

Lots of love from your fellow thinker, Chelle

grumble

2007-08-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

stupid computer. i wrote an amazingly long, philosophical post and it had an error. *grumble*
i'll try again later.

Comments

2007-08-22T18:48:00.001-07:00

Ok, I enabled comments for anyone, not just users. So, momma, sorry about the confusion.

You know, I just realized who commented on a post...wow. I was like...who's..."different"?

Of course! MY MOM!!!

"I differnt"

(It's supposed to look that way)

More Reasons to be Happy

2007-08-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

So, I called K, my now "aunt", haha, to take me to Michael's for art supplies because Barnes and Noble was definitely out of the paper and pencil i needed for Fridays class. I can't really do much with just an eraser. I could ruin everyone else drawings! But, I'd rather make friends, not enemies. ;)

Anyway, it was fun driving and talking with her. She and my grandmother are two reasons I am so glad to be here. They're some of the family I've gotten along with, but never had a chance to really connect to. Now, I can. ;)

We were trying to figure out what we were to each other. Like, I'm really her second cousin, once removed I suppose. But that sounds so harsh. So, I'm her niece now since she doesn't have any. lol

Anthropology was good. The teacher seems nice. I met two guys...what is with guys...lol. I get along better with guys, older and younger people. Very rarely girls my age. Of course I have plenty of those friends back in F-world. But, in general, it's interesting how I feel better around guys and older and younger guys and girls.

The class should be fun. We get to watch a lot of films, and for one assignment we're watching a Rammstein video! haha
I was excited about that. I'm sure Beagle will find it interesting.

Speaking of him, he called my cell phone yesterday, but I didn't answer as I was napping. I kind of wonder what was going on, especially if he's ok. He never ever calls my cell. Never. Unless he's desperate to talk to me online, but it was Tuesday, and I don't know how he could have been online. Well, I'll see on Friday. I'm sure everything's fine. It just scares me a little when I see his name on my missed calls list.

Mmmm...I think I'll look over my CLAT for bio...there's a lot to it, might as well work while I have time.

Dein, Chelle

PS it's hot. i have both fans going. so, yes momma, i really do need these fans.

A Little Frustrated, And Freaked Out

2007-08-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today I left about, ok, an hour early for my art class. I had nothing better to do. ;)
Good thing I did that though, I ended up taking the long way to the building. I had navigated a shorter way before, but somehow decided to be cool and walk all the way around this parking lot, anyway, I got there, but 45 minutes early. There was another girl there too at the same time, we both had worried about not finding the class, etc.
a few other guys showed up pretty early. But we ended up only having class for 40 minutes. We got out an hour early, because we just went over the syllabus and what supplies we'd need. So now I have to go back to Barnes and Noble and hope they have the supplies I need. Luckily I only need three items Friday, but I still need to get a lot of other stuff soon.

Went to the involvement expo since I was out earlier than I planned. I was disappointed that I didn't see anything for a German club. lol
But there's an anime society!!! *sheepish grin*
And, I got to talking to a lady from Avon, she had a booth, and I guess I'm following my mother's footsteps now. Haha. If anyone wants makeup, I'll be selling it! lol

I was going to meet a girl for lunch, but I never saw her. It's so crowded in there. I waited outside a while, and then this guy just came up to me and stared for a minute. So I said hi, trying to be polite even though I was a bit frightened. lol
He asked if I was a freshman, I said yes, obvious isn't it, he nodded, introduced himself, and I asked what year he was. He said he's a senior psychology major, and I said, oh, I'm majoring in psych too. Then he asked if I was waiting for someone, and I said yeah, I don't know where she is. And he stood there looking at me for the longest, most uncomfortable two minutes of my life. It was even more freaky because his eye twitched, and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people with twitchy eyes, but he kept staring, and twitching, and I was eeriely reminded of Herr Evil/Mr. Twitchy. *cringe* This guy wouldn't leave me alone. If he had talked it wouldn't have been so bad. But he just stood there. *shiver* Finally I just got so uncomfortable I said I'd find my friend inside and we went in, but he saw a friend of his, so I was saved.

So, that's my interesting day so far. lol
Anthropology next. I'll be leaving in about 15 minutes. Then I guess I'll go to Barnes and Noble and get all artsy and stuff. ;)

I'm debating whether or not to go to the football game tomorrow. I don't have a ride...but there's a chance for free tuition for a sesmester! lol
Eh, I'll probably be cool and study. ;)

I did join S. Crew. If you know the school mascot you know what I mean. So I get points and special stuff if I go to games. Maybe later. I'm not into football. But hockey, I'm SO there!!!

Until later, maybe later today, Chelle

The Way I See It

Mon and Tues Pics

A Pic A Day

Art Portfolio 1

It's So Sad...

Mirror, Mirror...

Introductions

Short Story

Fall Semester Art

Redemption: installment 7

What a Summer...

MIghtier Than the Sword

Amazed by My Own Words...

More Conversations With My Momma...

Conversations with My Mom...

Stability and Your Prayers Please

Gunnar, Tolkein, and Lewis

Gunnar Strikes Again

Gunnar Cont. and Pics

The Adventures of Gunnar Roalsvik

Life's Cruel Irony

Easter Pictures

Safe Haven (GNTW Entry #1)

Too Much Pain

Various Pics...From March

April Fool's

Redemption Installment 6

Sculpture

Sweet Relief

Love is...

The Search for THE Hill of North Dakota (Adventure 1 of The Beautiful Maiden and her Goofy Prince)

Happy New Year!!!

Summer Time New Years

Bob is a TOMATO NOT a CAT

Various

Sleep Like a Baby

Pics

Snow Suits and Finals, Oh Happy Day!

*dramatic sigh*

No More Lies

Like Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread

Winter Wonderland

Flurries and a Wish List

Psalm 86

Various Musings of my Heart

Vampiress

Soon

Master of Disguise

Let it...snow?

Redemption Installment 5

Halloween...thank GOD it's over

Don't Judge Me...

*groan*

To My Sister

Flip or Flop?

Before I Sleep

Simple Things

Take Me or Leave Me

*YAWN*

Not So Much LIFE as LIVING

Redemption Installment 4

Now, Now Family...lol

Keep the Fire Burning

Long Time, No Post

Right Where I Belong

Redemption Installment 3

Just Another Wednesday

Cold Tuesday

Dreary Monday

Offensive

Where to go...

Hello All

Crazy College Girls, and A Few Thoughts

French Fry Feed...

The Joys of Caffeine

Redemption Installment 2

Quick Hello

Redemption Installment 1

Normal Days...

Weighed Down, or Lifted Up?

dramatic sigh

groan

YAWN

Happy Monday! whoa...did i just say that?

Officer Chelle laughs

Deep Thoughts take two

grumble