Take Me or Leave Me

As crazy as I am, and as emotional, I'm glad the people who really matter in my life take me as I am and love me anyway. Maybe I annoy them or they get hurt at times, but they still love me and stick it out with me. ;)

Beagle seems not too angry...haha...and guess what? He has next week off!!! YAY!!! So we can talk whenever!!! *happy dance* Next week will be a good week. I just have to get things done this weekend so I'm not rushing over the week. We can't talk this weekend though because he has guard duty Saturday and Sunday...but, ends up being better this way. ;)

However...i know I'll keep struggling with these unhappy thoughts. It's rough. Especially for me, I need physical affection. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding hands...but I have art and writing to distract me!!! Though I know...there will be days when i cry horribly...as I have lately.

I'd like to blame this on my friend George. But, lots of people know George, and do they contemplate suicide? Think horrible thoughts? Cry for hours in bed and not get up to go about daily activities? I don't know...I just don't think George causes those things in anyone. But I think he brings them out in me. Because I can usually control it...but when George is around...I'm more sensitive, my guard is down...and honestly? If someone held a gun to my head and told me to do something or they'd kill me, I'd tell them calmly to kill me, even if they just wanted some coffee. because at those times, i just feel empty. icky. lonely, depressed, and tired of life.

and then i'm ok!!! George makes me bipolar...

not his fault, but he doesn't help keep me stable...*grumble*

well, now i know to just cry and watch out for George when i feel so bad.

:/

haha...if you don't know who George is...well...count yourself lucky. lol. And I'm sure a lot of you know George and don't realize it. Maybe one day my alluding to him will catch on...;)

anyway, now everyone knows, i am an emotional psychopath!!!

and i am willing to accept advice. if anyone has any wisdom to share. i just don't want to be told how to live my life. ;)

i'm pretty much resigned to the fact that i'll cry a lot, but i'm sticking with Beagle, because he treats me right, despite everything we have been through. and i'm sure when we're FINALLY together, our relationship will be even better because neither one of us will take it for granted. ;)

oh, i was amazed today. i went to get a refill on my meds, and the lady did it in like a minute....i figured i'd have to come back later today...but nope! so that was cool. ;)

Girl's Night tonight!!! We're going to watch "While You Were Sleeping". never seen it, so should be interesting. i guess it's a love story...hope i don't cry...

i remember i watched the fountain about a month ago and i was sooooo depressed...ugh...romances, sad ones at that, are not good for me right now. lol

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Dein,

Chelle

PS I went to bed at 9ish last night and woke up at 8:30 this morning. *grins* i think that's part of why i feel good today. LOL

YAY SLEEP

*YAWN*

mmmm....so much to do....so much more sleep to catch up on....lol

i think the bio exam today went well, studying last night helped a lot. i feel good about it. i have an A in there anyway, so no real huge worries.

on the note of yesterday's, emotional, post, i've resigned myself to the fact that i chose a relationship that comes with a lot of pain. but it's worth it. i have to keep remembering that. sure it's not perfect, but what is? there's no fun in life if it's all perfect.

i still have my doubts, but i'm holding on. they'll go away. they always do. ;)

and i think i'd like to blame the weather on my dismal thoughts. as much as i love the cold and abhore the sun...lack of sunlight and chilly weather does bad things to my emotions. ;)

mmm....need to sleep...and it's only 8pm...haha. well, first homework, then divine intervention. aka sleep.

Pressing on,

Chelle

sorry if i scared anyone yesterday. my life isn't hard. i just make it hard. yay drama queens! lol

remember, over all i am happy...just...not completely...;)

Not So Much LIFE as LIVING

WARNING: This post is not the usual, "I went to class, had lunch, and studied" post. This post delves into the innermost thoughts and fears of Chelle. DO NOT PROCEED if you are liable to judge, mock, or belittle these things.

CAUTION: DO NOT offer unwanted advice. Say you want to help, and if help is wanted, help will be received. Do not volunteer wisdom when love is all that is needed.

(I want to talk about things...but I don't want, "You need to do this, and life is like this, and..."

I'd like, "I went through such and such and did such and such and learned this and this, I can relate, I'm hear to talk..."

...love, not words.)

YOU ARE ENTERING A DEEP THOUGHT/EMOTIONAL ZONE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, AN OPEN MIND, AND AN OPEN HEART

What does that mean exactly? Follow your heart? How do you know which way your heart is going? Where does the heart stop and head end? And is it really "right" to follow your heart is every situation?

The title of this post, to explain a bit, comes from "Not so much brains as earwax," a lovely Shakespearian insult. I think this blog has mainly been about my life, just day to day I did this, blah blah blah...and now I need a chance to vent, to talk about what i'm feeling...what i'm LIVING. therefore, "not so much LIFE as LIVING."

thought i'd clear that up. lol

anyway...I'm a little...confused...you could say. My head and my heart are both telling me two different things. And I mean, they both are. They both agree, on two things. I'm split! EEP!!! lol
The thing is though, it's not a life or death situation! I make whatever decision I make, life goes on. I'll be fine eventually. There's a girl in our hall with family in the hospital now, and that is something to fret over! Me...i guess it's growing pains.
And you could blame a bit on "the big D". lol

i think i'm afraid of change. and yet, i need it. or i think i do. i think i want it too...and then i don't...
which leaves me here, confused. and lonely...because who am i going to discuss it with who won't have some sort of bias or opinion all ready about it?

i wish i could say everything would be easier if Beagle was here. and that's part of it. long distance relationship...not cool. and worse not hearing from him but once a week...
but i swore i wouldn't give up just because distance was hard...

but, you can't really make those kinds of promises. especially at my age! i'm still growing, becoming "me"...and part of me wants to try this new "me" out...i want to date...but i want Beagle...can i wait? who knows. it's hard in this environment.

i think about him, and i cry, because we are so close. to hurt him, is worse than me hurting right now. i hate hurting others, and to think of him in pain because of me...makes it worse.

so how much can i take before i break? i'm all ready broken. there's no real wholeness...not yet. it's all so confusing...

and while studying for bio tonight...we got off on all sorts of tangents...and this guy has done marriage counseling, as the counselor, so he started talking about all sorts of stuff, i had asked about he and his wife, and i listened and i was like, YES, that's exactly what i think! that's what i want!!!
and then...i realized...that's not what i have. Beagle and I are from totally different backgrounds. not like he's bad, but he has a different way of thinking and doing things, which makes it hard.

and you know, it could work. i firmly believe anything could work...if you try...
so am i willing to try?

part of me says yes...part of me needs more than what i have.

so at what point is it ok to think about your own feelings, at the expense of someone else's?

then again, i'd be in pain for a while if i broke up with Beagle...i really would be. 2 and a half years, overseas, there's some baggage...lol.

mmmm...i just had to rant. it helps me to write it out.

i hope no one thinks i'm a boy-crazed child...and that's all i care about.
because it's not. it's just, everything else is going so well, i want this is be good too...and something keeps nagging at me, telling me my relationship hasn't been the best...and i dunno if that's my head, my heart, or even me at all!!!

this can bring me to what i wrote over the retreat...
that's when it really started...the doubt, insecurity...i have to wonder if it was God or me saying I need to look at Beagle and I's relationship...but...ever since then, i've been unsure, scared, lonely...but i wrote this...i wanted to just give it all to God, forget my human fears, and remember that He will lead me where I need to be...so where is He leading? and can i follow without breaking down half way? and will Beagle be ok if I go without him?...can i live with that question....

anyway, what i wrote...

As the wind
Rolls across the earth
So Your love
Rolls over my soul
As the sky
Fills my eyes above
So Your grace
Over flows my cup

And I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
For Your love
Is enough
To get me through my life and trials
And Your grace
Is enough
To give me strength and understanding
When I'm falling

As I live
As I breathe
Let my life be Your work
As I stumble
As I crawl
Let Your holy hands
Lift me to Your heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
Your word
Is enough
It gives me courage when I falter
And I'm falling
And I, I am in love
Your wind it rushes over me and moves me
I am in awe
Your grace it lifts me higher than my struggles

For I am weak
And You are strong
I am dumb
You are my song
As the wind
Wraps around the earth
So Your love
Wraps around my heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
You, You are enough
Enough to lead me
Enough to save me
Enough to love me
You, You are enough
And I am in love
I am in awe

I sang it as I wrote it...my worship song to God...

and i found a beautiful verse...really fit the moment...it's alot that spoke to me...so...here goes!!!

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot, the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the right seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:5-11

ok...more than one...lol

As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness. Psalm 17:15

isn't just amazing? to be satisfied to be like God, to follow fully after Him, and to think...we have a "good inheritance", and "the lines have fallen" "in good places". that's especially hard to think of in the rough times. but how insignificant our worries must seem to God who can see the whole picture!!!
mmm...makes me question...am i following fully? or am i impaired...

i long to talk it over with someone...but not just anyone...lol. if i could have a face-to-face discussion with God, that'd be amazing.

i guess i want to know that Beagle'd be ok if I broke up with him...we aren't married! but we have discussed it...but again...at this point in my life...i'm changing...and i'm thinking...well, i dunno what i'm thinking...*dramatic sigh*

because i still love him...yes, love. I'm old enough to love I think...lol. but i need more than one web chat a week...i need affection...yes, physical affection!!! babies given nutrients, but no physical contact, die...i feel like one of those babies. empty, lonely...almost neglected...but i'm not...lol

i brought this upon myself. now the question is...do i suffer for 6 more months, have a wonderful time when (and if) he comes here for a while...and then suffer again for Lord knows how long?!?!?!?!

i can't live that way...but i want to. because it's worth it...
but am i cheating myself out of other experiences? am i limiting myself?

wow...you guys should feel honored to read this here...lol. i thought it was time to tell you what's really going on in my head...because as much fun as biology and anthropology and the French revolution are...i have a life too...and i have a future to think about...a future i see going so many ways, all good...but...what do i do...

nothing? nothing hurts. talk to Beagle? and watch him cry? have myself cry? with no one to hold either of us...
i couldn't do that.

Lord, give me strength. Give us all strength, as we struggle through life, wondering where Your hand is admist the pain. Because it's there, we just have trouble believing.

wow, enough deep stuff, eh?
bet you never wanted to find THAT on my blog...

Yours in Christ...

Chelle

Redemption Installment 4

*This part is dedicated to Wendy, who I hear looks forward to these installments!*
I never thought it'd be so popular amongst my kinfolk. lol


Joanne awkwardly took a seat in what resembled a large conference room. The woman who had caused so much reverence when exiting the spacecraft paced up and down the side of the table, pausing intermittently to examine Joanne, and then resume her walk. Joanne squirmed anxiously, not really understanding what was going on, as seemed to be the custom in this place. Finally, the dark woman stopped pacing and turned her whole body to face Joanne.
“What are you called?” She asked, her voice strong and powerful.
“Joanne, Joanne Mitchell.”
The woman bowed slightly, making Joanne blush. “Do you have a man?” Assuming she meant did Joanne have a husband, Joanne shook her head. “Then in your world, one would call you, Miss Mitchell?”
“Yes,” Joanne answered. “But that’s very formal, just Joanne is-”
“Miss Mitchell,” the woman held up a hand. “I am sorry to interrupt you, but I must ask you some important questions.” Joanne nodded to show she understood, though she really didn’t. “First, do you know why you are here?”
Joanne thought for a minute. They were planning to destroy Earth, so what good was having her aboard their ship going to do? She shook her head. “I thought I was dreaming at first. But it’s all too real now.”
The dark woman nodded slightly. “I should explain who we are first, and maybe you can see why you are here for yourself.” The woman began pacing again. “We call ourselves Myantides, we are from the distant planet Grecio. My people have long studied your people out of scientific curiosity. You see,” she looked at Joanne pointedly. “Our people, though very alike in physical nature, have taken seemingly opposite paths in other ways. You for instance, are regarded as normal or inconsequential in your society,” Joanne wondered if this was supposed to be an insult. “Do you know why?”
Joanne blinked. Apparently the woman actually wanted an answer. A little embarrassed, Joanne replied, “Well, I’m young, a woman, I don’t have an important job or anything, and I’m black.”
“Yes,” the woman nodded, seemingly satisfied. “Have you noticed anything unusual about us since you have been here, besides our language,”
Joanne thought she had to be kidding. “You’re all different colors, I mean, like not just black or white, you’re different shades of green, and red and blue,”
Again, the woman nodded. “We were not born these colors though. If you were to come to our planet, you would see children the color of people on your Earth. Color is very important to us as we get older. Young teens dye themselves a light green when they come of age. As we grow and we gain power and influence in the world, we color our skin differently to signify our status. Can you think what the highest color is?”
“Blue?” Joanne answered timidly.
“Yes, the highest people in our culture are blue, or a dark shade of blue, as you can see on me. However,” the woman peered at Joanne. “In our culture, when a child is born with skin the color of yours, he or she is revered as if they are a god or goddess, and those of us who had to earn our color serve them in our own ways.” Joanne stared at the woman, not really understanding anything. “You look confused,” the woman stated. “Please, what questions do you have?”
Clearing her throat, and trying not to sound rude, Joanne asked, “Well, if every child who is born with black skin is a god or goddess, don’t you have an awful amount of people to worship and serve?”
The woman inclined her head gracefully. “You make a good point Miss Mitchell. In your Earth, children are born with skin the colors of their parents, and colors are common throughout the world. We however, do not have this, which is another reason we are so keen on studying your people. We are born with skin the color of snow, ivory, a pale sand, or the trunk of a tree, but a child with your dark skin tone is rare, and highly respected for they are sent from the goddesses, having earned their color in some other way before birth.” Joanne wondered how much these people knew about human genetics and if they even played a part in their world.
“So, I’m here because I’m black,” Joanne thought a minute. “Then why aren’t there more people in that room I was in? And why aren’t they all black?”
“You have good reason to ask this Miss Mitchell. Let me continue, and I will answer your question shortly.” A bit irritated, Joanne started to feel as if she were back in her high school biology class. “Along with skin color, gender is a great factor in our culture. Females are much more influential than males, unlike your culture in which males have dominated for many long years. Our people are always asking why your people have more respect for the pale skinned and males of your kind.”
“And I’m female and black, so I’m very important to you,” Joanne interrupted, getting a little uncomfortable with all this talk that reminded her of years of inequality and racism. “But I still don’t see why I’m here along with the others. There are males, females, whites, and blacks in there, what purpose is that?”
“That brings me to another difference in our peoples. Your people are constantly in conflict with one another. In fact, your weapons and ways of fighting have advanced quickly and much farther than your other knowledge. We watched for a long time as your people fought, killed, and rebuilt each other’s lands as if they were your own. However, a recent council meeting decided your people were becoming too dangerous and destructive amongst yourselves. We began our current operation in what you would consider the span of three years ago. It has taken us that long to get this far because we began by replacing the people we took with our own droids who would imitate those we took. We also worked slowly in the hope that your people would show some improvement in your self-destruction,” the woman’s eyes seemed sad as she spoke of this. “But we were sadly disappointed, and have continued until now. You and your comrades from Earth are here to continue our research after your planet is gone, for we are still interested in how you evolved the way you did.”
“What? You took us so you could keep studying us after our homes were destroyed?” Joanne’s face was flushing with anger. “That makes no sense. Are you going to lock us in little cages and test our blood and DNA or something? And what’s the purpose of destroying Earth when you’re so keen to study us?”
“Please calm yourself, Miss Mitchell. We want you to understand what is going on here, though it may be hard at first. We are destroying your world before you destroy each other. You and your comrades are here to start a new Earth.”

Now, Now Family...lol

HAHA...first off, Rachel and Dan, I LOVE biology. I meant I was struggling with it earlier. And as for Napoleon, I do not like him, I just found him more entertaining than my textbook for West Civ, and that's not much....hahaha

I did well in bio today. YAY. Back on track. I do wish I had taken AP Bio last year though. I just didn't because, well, I didn't want to, but freshman year i LOVED bio and loved Mrs. Schmidt...but since she left, i didn't want to take the class again. lol. it helps to have a good teacher. ;)

So, classes are going well. No worries. Again, I enjoy Bio. Sometimes it gets difficult though. Othertimes, it's so cool and interesting....*hugs biology* lol

mmmm....me sleepy. as you may see, it is late.

i go to Grandma's tomorrow. may make a quick post, we'll see. should post for sure on Sunday.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!

Dein immer,

Chellechen

Rurouni Kenshin!!! YAY!!!

(one of the IV girls has all the books...teehee...guess what I'M doing before bed...yep...MANGA!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Keep the Fire Burning

Hello all!!!

Good news on my Anthropology Midterm! 50 out of 50! That includes extra credit, but, still awesome! That means I have a perfect score in that class! Quite opposite of my West Civ class...haha. That class is wacko. But I know once I dazzle the teacher with my AP writing skills, it'll be good. I just wasn't sure if I should. Lazy I know, but I learned my lesson! ;)

So, Auntie M, hehe, makes me think of Wizard of Oz, which makes me think of Wicked, which I am wearing a shirt from, which makes me happy! Which reminds me I need to find a costume for halloween, I want to be Elphaba...
Which is totally of topic here!
Auntie M shared some verses with me that I liked:

Jeremiah 20:9 "...his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, Icannot."
Jeremiah 23:29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the Lord, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?"

Jeremiah has some great verses. Including one of my faves for hard times:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Those verses from Auntie M really go with "keeping the fire burning" as I mentioned in my last post. I plan on doing a few things to get myself ready for something big the summer of '09. *evil grin* some of you might know what it is I'm alluding to. Others, wait and see. I don't want to say I'm doing it for sure yet. It'll take some work. (and lots of money...lol)

Mmm...pleasant surprise last night. Beagle was online. Totally forgot it was a holiday in Germany. We're talking now actually, he just went to eat. He's leaving soon though. still, it's nice to see him during the week. Really gives me a boost. ;)

I have to get the second part of my TB test today...probably didn't mention I had that done at all...but I am now. ;)
I'm a little concerned, because the one I got last week gave me a bump and a bruise that were tender, and it's like a little red burn mark on my arm right now. But it was too far away from the area they gave me the shot at, so they said I was negative and probably reacted to some chemicals in the preservatives or something. Guess we'll find out when they do it in the other arm!!!

Native joked, (we watched Moulin Rouge a few weeks ago at Jen's), that if I do have TB, I can just find Ewan McGregor and live out the movie, and die happily in his arms. LOL. If he sang to me...I totally would go for that...lol

Well, trying to think of more to say...
I think i'll post my pics and thoughts from fall retreat later today. When I should be studying. lol. No, after I read the rest of the French revolution. I swear, the French revolution sounds cool, and I know it's part of Les Mis, but the book makes it seem boring and stupid. I honestly can't see a point in them writing about it! It makes no sense the way they wrote it. ugh. How am I supposed to write an essay when they didn't go into any good details, and just gave me mundane info? Ick. I hate this book. The bio we're reading on Napoleon is better!!!

Speaking of that bio...we have the essay question all ready for our next exam on Oct. 25, and I totally know I can ace, or at least do better, on this one. Because the question fits with the AP format great. ;)
I'm excited about that essay. *what a dork* but I do wonder what side to take...do our actions form us or the situations presented to us? It can go either way, especially with Napoleon...I wonder if I can take that view...lol

Ok, no one cares about that...
Now, off to do some easy Anthropology homework!!! God forbid I get one wrong and tarnish my perfect score! *lol...sorry...that class is just easy to do well in, at least homework wise. and i'm not trying to be full of myself, but i am glad i'm doing well in there. ;)* *don't think i'm snobby, please, lol*

Giddy,

Chelle

Long Time, No Post

mmmm...this will have to be quick

basically, fall retreat was amazing! i had a lot of fun getting closer to some of the girls from IV, and meeting some new people. It was interesting being one of the youngest ones. There's another girl my age, but she's married, so I don't think people see her as "young". lol

so, later when i have more time i'll post a few pics i took, and maybe share some thoughts i had. i found great Bible verses, and wrote a song. hehe.

right now, i need to get more work done. I'm not really "behind" in my studies, just not where i'd like to be. since i didn't have weekend time to study, i have to make up for it now i guess. ;)

but it's not so bad.

ah, highs and lows...

Raincloud: Biology just got harder for me. Funny thing is, I was better at the chemistry part. Why does my major have to require bio...lol.

I've noticed that when I like something, I'm not as good at it. Hence my "struggles" with bio. I'm not "struggling", but, it's more complicated than I remember. lol

Sunshine: Fall retreat! Just fun, and nice to come closer to God. Let's just hope all that fire doesn't die too quickly.

mmk...French Revolution calls!!!

and tomorrow...i will make a point of checking on flu shots, k momma? ;)

LOVE YOU ALL

Studiously Yours,

Chelle

PS Auntie M...haha...you know who you are...i LOVE that fortune cookie quote.

"First thing tomorrow morning when you leave your house, make a left turn."

I mean, what kind of fortune is THAT? lol