Don't Judge Me...

"Be yourself, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess

Mmmm...sooooo...lemme just say this...I am a learning, growing, changing human being. Aren't we all? So, sometimes I do things that make no sense...trust me...i make no sense to myself.

Except, I do. And I think as long as I understand myself, it's ok. It'll help me in the future.

So, I had talked to Jen...Sunday...about boys, relationships...and she mentioned that maybe I should think about breaking up with Beagle. I had been feeling for a while that our relationship was not what it should be...or at least there were things we needed to work out...and I took this to be God telling me to move on.
Thing is...whenever I tried to fix the things I knew needed fixing, I freaked out and ignored it...so it bothered me to the point where I thought breaking up was the only way to fix it! Silly me thought Beagle would automatically shoot me down for my feelings, etc. He does do that at times...*grumble* But not on purpose, and not for the things that really matter.
Today, we resolved a few things. He made me feel a bit better by presenting a "plan" for the next few years. Just roughly how long until we can really be together finally...lol.
Anyway...I finally came out and said what I was feeling, and he said, ok, i love you anyway...and though he doesn't understand, he won't force me to change my mind. he'll just wait for me to do the things i have to do...

anyway...what i mean is...we are at least staying together until we can talk this over together, face-to-face. ;)
this just goes with my lovely theory, any relationship can work as long as the people involved WANT it to and are willing to make it work. as in, you give a little, i give a little, we pull together

beagle talked to his best friend's girlfriend about what i had said (before we had a chance to talk today) and she told him to tell me, "das sie das bestimmt selbst nicht will" "she doesn't really want to do this to herself"
tis true.

but you know what...i'm glad i did freak out and think i was going to leave Beagle. why you ask? because it forced me to place myself back in God's hands. I'm suddenly becoming more comfortable resting in the fact that things won't always go my way, but He is there to hold me and He knows what is in store for me and will lead me through it.
which is what i needed anyway! i don't need to fix my relationship with Beagle, or the way I look at myself...I needed to come back to God. I needed to remember what it is to trust Him and from there work everything else out.

because the minute I trust Him, I do things I don't normally do, like tell Beagle what i'm REALLY thinking...and it works out ok!!!

i know some of you readers will be like...ok Chelle...that was ridiculous. are you just starving for attention?
yes, it was silly. but as i said at the beginning, we all struggle and are growing. but you know what, it took this to show myself that I can give up the love of my life to follow God. I still will. But he's ok with me going to Africa. not for 5 years...lol...but he said i have to do what i have to do, and he'll wait for me.

and now i see, nothing is perfect, it takes a lot of work, and i HAVE to be honest with him and myself. i can't say, yeah, whatever, i'll get over this feeling. no, if he can't respect my thoughts and feelings, bye-bye...but he DOES respect them...and he forgives me when i do dumb things like say we should break up.

so, i made some strange choices...but in the end...i'm better for it.
i'm stronger, more confident that things will work for good whatever happens...

and hoping that people don't think i'm some immature child. because you want to know the truth? a long term, long distance relationship is ONE of the hardest things. especially right now. and i am pretty proud of Beagle and myself for making it through all the crap we do and I don't know many other people who could do it. i barely can...obviously, but he's great about helping me.

all right, enough with the self defense. lol.
just know that i wasn't begging for attention. i was honestly struggling, but i'm ok now. and i learned an important lesson, be honest...and talk things over before making huge decisions.

and trust that things will always work for the best.

<----(this is me)

Chelle

*groan*

So, can't post too much. Got to study. ;(
Man, who would know that Halloween is such a busy time of year!!!
Not only do I have a West Civ exam tomorrow (ugh!!!), i have a bio quiz...and work. Then I'm going to a MercyMe concert!!! That'll be my rejuvinating moment...
Friday is the big screen movie the AIM reps are putting on, so I have to be there...ugh. 9-1...i don't have to stay all night...THANK GOD!!! Hopefully my ARHD can pick me up whenever I get tired of being there...because I am NOT walking back...*shudder*
Then...this weekend I'm going to Karlstad with Jen and her bf. I really don't want to be alone this weekend...that's why. ;)
And Sunday is trick-or-treating with kids. They're coming by our dorms, I volunteered to put up arrows to show them around and to escort them.
And of course next week, Dine of the Dead Tuesday...and I'm program rep too so I have to do that...and Wednesday is the Halloween dance...gotta be there...*whew* lol
Good thing about all that is, no time to sit down and feel sorry for myself!!!

Mmmk...my bio study buddy should call soon...then i need to look over West Civ...*groan*...wish me luck on that...I don't even know what to study this time...GRRR...lol

Emotionally and physically drained,

Chelle

To My Sister

I wrote the following weeks ago...and I feel better about it now. Why? Well, let me catch you up since I haven't posted in a while.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. It's messy, it's painful, but I know it's right. Why? Well, every time I try to spend time with God, I get this peaceful feeling nudging me and saying, "Hey, this relationship, it's not good for you. You think it is, but there's better." Which is hard for me to believe. I mean, I still love this guy! But I think about it seriously, and I see that following God's will for my life and being with Beagle, at least now, totally contradict each other! That, and I'm letting myself down. Everyday I don't know who I am because of some mistakes I made...that I thought I'd just forget about and "fix" in the future.

In short, I'm leaving a relationship that looks wonderful, felt wonderful, but in the long run was probably not a good thing...;(

And I talked to my big sis, KK *old nickname for her ;)* about it, and about a lot of deep, dark, personal secrets, ok like one...lol...but anyway...turns out, we have had VERY similar experiences...and I am just so amazed at God. Because, come on, who else can take a bad, painful situation, make that two painful situations...and use them for good!!!

Basically, I have felt for years that my big sis wasn't my big sis, was someone I didn't know...but now, I'm healing from that, as I heal from my relationship with Beagle etc. I'm so thankful for everything...like in my song/poem from fall retreat "i am in awe, of all that You have done, of all that You are doing"

anyway, the poems i wrote a while back were in response to my sis's situation and me wanting to be apart of her life but feeling i wasn't...yeah...but i am ok!!! lol. this is just how i did feel...there's two....one with pics. ;)

and...if it sounds angry...that's because i was so disconnected from all that was happening, so confused...now though, i'm glad to be close to my family again. ;)

What happened to those days,

Innocence came so easily,

Love was natural,

And we never questioned each other.

Now I look at you,

And who do I see?

Not someone I know,

Not the one I looked up to.

Why must we grow up?

Why must we separate,

Our lives are two different things,

And I wish somehow they were still connected.

I used to wear your clothes,

Pretend and wish

With all my heart,

That I was just like you.

Your independence and grace

Inspired me.

When did you become

Someone I couldn't follow?

Do you know how much I’ve needed you?

How now,I don’t understand

So many things

And as I watch you fall

I can only see myself

Doing the same.

If all else fails,

Come back to me.

Remind me why I called you sister,

Why I proudly held your hand.

Give me back my big sister,

Give me back my best friend.

Take a trip with me

Not too far back,

Just close your eyes,

I can almost see us there,

Lying in bed at night,

Whispering like little girls do.

You always told me of foreign lands

Lands I could travel to

Only in my dreams.

You filled my head with stories

About fairies

And lands where magic was abundant.

I still remember

Listening in rapture

To your voice in the dark,

Telling me of friends you made

On these voyages in the night,

And I too would close my eyes,

And drift off to a land all my own.

A little further in time

Still a while back,

But close enough I can still taste it,

We made mud pies

And played by the tree

Outside our father’s house.

You told me the moss

Was Mother Nature

And we spoke to her

Like she was real.

When we were bored

You made up stories

And we played queen and servant.

You let me be queen,

But I always thought you were the best.

And I still remember,

Crouching on the stairs

As we played a make-believe game,

A friend was there, and she whispered to me,

“You’re big sister is the coolest!”

And I proudly beamed and said,“I know.”

I never looked at you the same again.

You were my idol.

I wanted to be just like you.

I hated not seeing you dance

I hated when you didn’t come on the weekends.

Most of all, I hated it

When you got a serious boyfriend.

I know now,

It wasn’t him.

You were older,

I was still too young,

And you were exploring life,

You didn’t need me any longer.

But I blamed him with all my heart,

And when I lost my big sister

And forgot what it was to have a sister and friend

All rolled into one,

I said he had stolen you from me.

And then, not long ago at all,

You got married.

I was in the wedding,

But I was at the end,

Behind the girl you also called

“Sister”,

But she was only related by marriage,

We had a blood bond,

And I used to think it meant something.

I didn’t see you kiss the groom,

I barely even saw your shoes,

Still, I was so happy to be there,

Even if he was taking you away from me more.

And somehow, things got better.

And we were a family.

You and “the Jeans”,

I still didn’t like him,

Or so I said,

You would come to dinner,

And we would talk,

Laugh,

Play games and be

A family.

So now what happened?

As if I wasn’t far enough away

Another break has occurred

And I am too confused to understand.

I’ll never understand

Why you did what you did,

This girl I looked up to,

Who I thought was

MY SISTER,

Again,

Is gone.

But I still love you.

Blood is stronger than anything,

Except for our memories,

And those are what keep me going

In hopes that someday

We will come together,

Broken as we are,

And be a family again.

Flip or Flop?

Just got done with a LOVELY bio lab exam...
it could go either way...i totally thought i bombed it...but i looked over some stuff, turns out I was right!!! YAY!!! and then...on things i thought were right...i was wrong...;(
hopefully the right outweighs the wrong...lol
i even left a note for the TA...

"sorry I suck at this...this is really embarrassing...I swear I have an A in the class!"

lol.
it didn't help not knowing what to study. i studied stuff i didn't need...lol. but i think i should at least not fail miserably.

ah, and in art, started with oil pastels today...*groan* my color wheel looks like a kindergartener did it. good thing I was pretty good at art for a kindergartener when i was one...lol
it wasn't supposed to look like a work of art or paint...oil pastels are sketchy lookin', but the girls to my right were using their fingers to smear their colors nicely...so i felt silly with my lovely color combos...lol

Beagle has off this week *gleam* so we talked between my art and other classes, lol. It was...special...
he's 20 yrs old, in the military...and he was having a fit over his new cell phone because he couldn't get it to take a pic of me. it was hilarious!!! I couldn't help laughing. And then he was upset we didn't "talk"...well duh...he was obsessed with his phone not working properly the whole time!!! lol
Luckily we have all week. That's a luxury I am not taking forgranted.
For the first time, I walked to class grinning, because my puppy had made me laugh. *shakes head* How could I let him go?

I will always struggle, that's a given...but he will always make it worth the while. *hopefully...lol*

Mmmk...no one has knocked on my door for dinner yet...I guess I'll go see if the gang is out there.

Cross your fingers and knock on wood that my bio lab exam went ok!!!
I had just been comtemplating taking bio 151 next semester too...now i may have to, or take another science, if i fail the lab portion!!! HAHA...just kidding. I don't think I failed. I just know I didn't pass with flying colors. More like, scrapped by with dusty charcoal...;)

Von UND,

Chelle

Before I Sleep

made this...just because. lol

the German quote is from a song i am absolutely in love with. one of many actually. ;) by the band Söhne Mannheims. and Xavier Naidoo is amazing too...;)

all right, tomorrow's monday...long day ahead of me...later gators!!!

OH!!! and happy birthday to all the party people I missed out on celebrating today! it was great talking to you all on the phone though. ;)

Dreamily yours,

Chelle

Simple Things

mmmm...it's the little things that bring great pleasure to life...
like warm clothing after it has been through the dryer...mmmm

lol

i want to cuddly up with my warm clothes all in a pile, lol. except for the pants that burned me...lol. the zipper was a bit firey. haha. not really, but it was HOT. ;)

so, this weekend is definitely a weekend of relaxation and homework. Next weekend is the Northern Lights Psychology Conference, and i have to go to that and do some sort of report thingy i think. i'll find out Monday the exact details. ;)
i think i'll go to that early *haha, who am i kidding?* and then catch the series of buses that will take me to Target so I can get some essentials. i'm thinking of buying a few healthy snacks for my room, i need a few new jeans *i tore a hole in one pair...teehee...*, boots, warm underthings, a belt...nothing fancy. but this southern gal needs to be ready for the cold. ;)

sad thing is, i handle the cold better than the natives here! Including Native himself. HAHA. It's cold, but I don't complain...in fact...I complain when I get inside and have to remove all my layers because it's so hot!!! lol

anyway, got some art stuff to work on. i don't think i'm doing very well with it, but it looks all right i suppose.

OH!!! almost forgot. i was working on bio while my laundry was going, *still have to finish...*, and i was like, ok, cell to cell interaction, done, oooh, early development...i am actually reading the whole chapter. haha. usually that's unnecessary, i just go through the learning assignment, find what i need to answer the questions, take notes in class, and i'm good. but i HAD to read this. lol. i secretly love biology. no, not secretly. lol. it's just so cool!!! i mean, think about it. we start out as one cell, and become this walking, talking, thinking, multicellular organism! how weird is that?
i don't know how you can't believe in a supreme being after science courses. how did the world come to be? oh, some particles exploded and formed a big mass of junk that formed other stuff, etc etc. but where did those first particles come from? i mean, how can a whole universe be shaped out of random particles that just HAPPENED to come together and form some big explosion thingy? they had to come from somewhere before that, and there had to be a reason behind it! *sigh* it's amazing. i believe in big bang, and evolution, and God. i think God is amazing like that and had all sorts of ways to develop life and stuff. i mean, 7 days to Him is not 7 days to us!!! lol.

ok, now that i'm thinking of creation and biology and how amazing the world is...lol...wow...i'm special...

speaking of bio...have an A in the class, got an A on the last exam...so no worries. ;)
pretty simple stuff. well, not simple, but i get it. lol

girl's night last night was fun. i got really into the movie. haha..."No! Forget coma guy!" and i would freak out at random points...haha. it was a good movie. cheesy ending line...but really funny and cute. (it was While You Were Sleeping by the way)
then I watched Bridget Jones Edge of Reason with another girl. that was funny too. i remember reading the first book in that series...but i don't remember anything except it was funny...lol
good times, good times. ;)

and now, enough procrastinating, it's off to work I go!!! (hehe...dwarves...hehe)

LATER!!!

Crazily yours,

Chelle

Take Me or Leave Me

As crazy as I am, and as emotional, I'm glad the people who really matter in my life take me as I am and love me anyway. Maybe I annoy them or they get hurt at times, but they still love me and stick it out with me. ;)

Beagle seems not too angry...haha...and guess what? He has next week off!!! YAY!!! So we can talk whenever!!! *happy dance* Next week will be a good week. I just have to get things done this weekend so I'm not rushing over the week. We can't talk this weekend though because he has guard duty Saturday and Sunday...but, ends up being better this way. ;)

However...i know I'll keep struggling with these unhappy thoughts. It's rough. Especially for me, I need physical affection. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding hands...but I have art and writing to distract me!!! Though I know...there will be days when i cry horribly...as I have lately.

I'd like to blame this on my friend George. But, lots of people know George, and do they contemplate suicide? Think horrible thoughts? Cry for hours in bed and not get up to go about daily activities? I don't know...I just don't think George causes those things in anyone. But I think he brings them out in me. Because I can usually control it...but when George is around...I'm more sensitive, my guard is down...and honestly? If someone held a gun to my head and told me to do something or they'd kill me, I'd tell them calmly to kill me, even if they just wanted some coffee. because at those times, i just feel empty. icky. lonely, depressed, and tired of life.

and then i'm ok!!! George makes me bipolar...

not his fault, but he doesn't help keep me stable...*grumble*

well, now i know to just cry and watch out for George when i feel so bad.

:/

haha...if you don't know who George is...well...count yourself lucky. lol. And I'm sure a lot of you know George and don't realize it. Maybe one day my alluding to him will catch on...;)

anyway, now everyone knows, i am an emotional psychopath!!!

and i am willing to accept advice. if anyone has any wisdom to share. i just don't want to be told how to live my life. ;)

i'm pretty much resigned to the fact that i'll cry a lot, but i'm sticking with Beagle, because he treats me right, despite everything we have been through. and i'm sure when we're FINALLY together, our relationship will be even better because neither one of us will take it for granted. ;)

oh, i was amazed today. i went to get a refill on my meds, and the lady did it in like a minute....i figured i'd have to come back later today...but nope! so that was cool. ;)

Girl's Night tonight!!! We're going to watch "While You Were Sleeping". never seen it, so should be interesting. i guess it's a love story...hope i don't cry...

i remember i watched the fountain about a month ago and i was sooooo depressed...ugh...romances, sad ones at that, are not good for me right now. lol

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Dein,

Chelle

PS I went to bed at 9ish last night and woke up at 8:30 this morning. *grins* i think that's part of why i feel good today. LOL

YAY SLEEP