What a Summer...

I know things don't always turn out how we plan, but, wow. This summer was nothing like I thought it would be.

I couldn't hold my job, I didn't get to see too much of my friends, and I'm STILL sick.

I had an MRI today. After all my doctors visits and all my medicine (which didn't make a big difference), I went to another ENT who actually knows what he's doing. He wanted a scan of my brain to check my nerves there and such, and tomorrow I have a 2 hour test on my inner ear. He thinks I may have lost the use of one of the labyrinths in my inner ear and that's making me dizzy, etc. If that's the case I'll probably need physical therapy. I just hope we can get some closure. School starts soon and I don't want to still be feeling droopy and lazy when it starts.

Luckily, I made sure my schedule was pretty simple.
I have 2 art classes, German, and a creative writing class, then another English class online.

Every day I want to write more and more...but I'm too lazy. My mind can't concentrate, I get dizzy even just sitting, and my creativity is kind of low right now. I'm hoping I can get better after all these tests and get back to my usual, bouncy, self. :)

It's hard knowing I'm leaving soon. I'm ready to be back in my dorm, I have a roommate this year which will be a whole new experience for me! I miss the freedom, I miss the COLD. Man, just a few months up there and I've gotten seriously sensitive to the heat down here.
But at the same time, I know I'll miss my friends and family. I wish I could bring them up there with me. Or, that I could have a quick transport back home if I wanted to just stop in and say hi. Too bad gas is so much and consequently airline tickets.

I keep praying that I'll get better. It doesn't help that my heart still hurts from being broken months ago. That wound may never completely heal, but at least I learned from it. Now, just to heal physically. I'm a little scared to tell the truth. Not having felt well since February worries me, and not knowing WHY is the worse. I kind of downplay how I feel. I really have gotten almost used to being dizzy, nauseus, etc, but that doesn't mean I can deal with it. It just means that if someone asks how I feel I say, "Ok", because I am "ok", until I get a headache, ear pain, etc, and the symptoms just escalate. I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with me, but it doesn't help to not have those kind of things off the list. The results of the MRI will definitely calm some of my nerves. I've wanted an MRI since March, but only this doctor recently has thought it was relevant.

I hate waiting.
And I hate packing. It's like I have to choose what things to take with me, what I need, and I never know WHAT I'll need really. And going through my stuff makes me sad as I remember each objects significance.

I mentioned that my heart hasn't quite healed from a recent break...I'm considering writing a book about it. It'd be easy. I have lots to go off of. :P
And maybe that would help me come to terms with things. Make it a little more...bearable.

Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading.

Chelle

MIghtier Than the Sword

I have now setup a second blog, Mightier Than the Sword, to put my poems, lyrics, stories, and other writing projects out there for you to see a bit easier. If you were reading "Redemption", (sorry for the lack of update...again...), I will repost it there and put further updates on that blog. :)

Please read and comment! I will start out by posting some OLD stuff I found in a notebook, and we'll go from there.

Amazed by My Own Words...

having a convo with a friend...and i'm totally in awe of my own words. Need to document them here for future reference...:)



X: im not sure i deserve anything though...only one really deserved and He wasnt even given the life He deserved, what makes us think we will be given a life we dont deserve?
Me: because He loves us and gave up His life so we could have life
it's not about deserving it
when you love someone, you want what's best for them, whatever it costs you
that's what He wants

____________________________

Me:and as far as hurting goes...well...we aren't in heaven...nothing is going to be easy
love is patient, kind, etc...and hurts like hell
lol
X: i know...but it works out for soooo many people...why am i so different, or you, it's not been exactly a picnic for you either, ............... why are we so much different than the rest??
Me: it's not easy for anyone, to be honest. some handle it better. that, and, God gives us the life He knows we can handle. somehow, we go through these trials for a reason. and sometimes we set ourselves up for them
all those hard questions will be answered when we see Him...and it'll make sense. right now, our minds can't comprehend the reasoning behind events in our lives though, and we just have to trust that He has our best in mind
and will carry us through the shitty times
X: but what if i fail? what if i find i cant handle it anymore, and cop out of life, then ill go straight to hell which im too afraid to do...afraid to live and afraid to die, what kind of like is that?
Me: i don't think people who commit suicide go straight to hell
if they are that desperate, they can't be thinking correctly
and why would you do that anyway? the world didn't end because your gf broke up with you
i know it sucks but...there's still life to live
and if she thinks you guys could get back together...well...there's hope left isn't there?
you have to cling to whatever hope you can find
that's what i think anyway

_____________________________________________________

X:so i invested time and energy into it...i trusted, is that a bad thing?
Me: of course not!
but when you do that, when you put yourself out there, you always run the risk of getting hurt
that's part of life. just by living, you run the risk of getting hurt
but by quitting, you lose out on all the wonderful things God has planned for you
remember, Christ suffered too, He can listen and help more than anyone
X: wonderful things? -looks around- i see a large desert, and looking into the past, i see one there too...maybe im being ungrateful, but im human and prone to it. im also learning that maybe the best form of self defense is preventative...to not put yourself in those situations to begin with
Me: that is an option. but i think you're ignoring a lot of the good things to have happened in your life. and that's easy to do, so i'm just going to give you time to take off your dark sunglasses and remember how blessed you are
it's easy to get lost in the bad, i know
i do it constantly no
now*
lol
but there are plenty of wonderful things, don't regret the good things
X: i only regret their sudden disappearance, not the things themselves
Me: well, this is how i think...each relationship i've had has been better than the last, and i just tell myself, God has something amazing in store for me...so if that wasn't it...it has GOT to be good!!!
lol
anything can be that way
if it goes, that's because you don't actually need it, and there must be something better
or because somehow your life needs to change
shrugs

____________________________________________________


Me: you can't fix everyone
He can
let Him do His job
you aren't superman


Me: He knows what's best, don't fight Him


Me: you don't have to move mountains
well, sometimes our questions can't be answered right away, or the answer is unclear in our minds


Me: maybe you need to learn to surrender your whole life, every aspect, to Him...to trust Him with the hard stuff


Me: i've said what i can...the last thing i can say is that none of us have or will suffer what Christ did, we can only be thankful that He took that for us, and that we have the chance to live, learn, love, and eventually be with Him
if life were supposed to be easy...what would be the point

More Conversations With My Momma...

Daddy: "She's an attractor."
Momma: "A tractor?"

(convo about "Usher" dancers being on Dancing with the Stars...)
Me and Mel: "He's more of rap music..."
Momma: "Well, they should be Christian if they're ushers."

hahaha...I love you Momma! You make my day...

Conversations with My Mom...

Me: "Actually, only two guys have ever asked if they could kiss me."
Mom: "Who else?" (I had already mentioned one)
Me: "Scott."
Mom: "And after that there was another day?"
Me: "Another day? Oh, another date..."
Mom: "No, another day."
Me: "Yeah, people walk up to each other, ask for a kiss, and then never see each other again."

Mel: "I hope I'm not doomed to be like you, hardly date and not even know how a kiss works."

Me: "Yeah, you barely kiss Daddy."
Mom: "He has bad breath!"
Mel: "Well, suck it in!"
Me: "WHOA! I don't wanna see them doing that!"

Me: "I honestly wonder how you had two children without even knowing how a kiss works."
Mom: "God works in mysterious ways!"
Me: "Our dad must of snuck up on her..."
Mom: "No, I plan everything."
Me: "That must mean they only had it twice..."
Mel: "That's gross."

Stability and Your Prayers Please

Ever get so overwhelmed by life, that you just wish one thing would be...I don't know...normal? Sane? Stable?
But it seems like, whenever one thing goes wrong, a million other things crumble in around you, and even the smallest crack will seem bigger, just because we're already hurting.

That's me right now. I'm just praying for stability, no more running around, no more lost-and-found...
if i had the energy or enthusiasm i'd write something with those words

"no more run-around,
no more lost-and-found"

but my mind stops there. my head hurts, and i know i'm going to be crying soon which will make it worse.
today i cried about something i thought i was over. but, obviously i'm not. i could've figured that out, but i guess i was denying that, trying to hide from my true feelings on the issue, my real fears.

i'm just so...frustrated. i've had a rough year. and at this time in my life, i'm in transition, leaving my parent's and making my own life, so it's hard...especially hard to know where it's best for me to be when i'm so...desperate.

one thing i can say...i need someone's arms to hold me. and the sad thing is, i can only think of one person who would really understand my pain right now...but he isn't even real.

(no, not God...lol...i mean a person. someone...i had help imagining...but it doesn't matter now...)

sorry to sound depressed. but that's my reality right now.
nothing makes sense. nothing has gone..."right"...or at least...not very well.

well, i did pass my classes. and considering i wasn't in classes for like, 3 months, almost the whole semester, that's pretty good!

but it's upsetting that so much of my life was interuppted, destroyed really...

and now, bit by bit, i find it disappearing more.

pray for my family. we have to put our precious dog to sleep this week. It'll be ten years this summer that we've had her, and we've been so blessed.
i don't regret finding her at all. :) and i will say, it's because of me she even got to this point today in our lives. i wasn't going to leave the Humane Society without a dog...my family had already left the kennels...and I was soooo sad...then I saw her...Spice...my precious baby girl. :P
i don't think we could have had a better dog all these years. she's a sweetheart. and so beautiful.
she will definitely be missed.

so, please pray for her pain to ease, and for her to have a safe delivery to Heaven to wait for us with Chipper...lol.
and pray that those who love her with all their hearts...like i know i do...will be ok...

chelle

She hates cameras, but I have managed to occasionally snap a pic or two. :)

Gunnar, Tolkein, and Lewis

It's been like walking into the Lord of the Rings or the Chronicles of Narnia around here. Both those guys must've traveled in Norway.I keep expecting to run into hobbits, dwarves, elves, etc. Well, guess I've seen the hobbit - every morning in the mirror!! Ha! Stilldon't Took is the name, I think. (dense fellow from birth, thus "stilldon't" as in "he stilldon't get it, does he?")Suppose somone got an idea from this picnic table, too?