Not So Much LIFE as LIVING

WARNING: This post is not the usual, "I went to class, had lunch, and studied" post. This post delves into the innermost thoughts and fears of Chelle. DO NOT PROCEED if you are liable to judge, mock, or belittle these things.

CAUTION: DO NOT offer unwanted advice. Say you want to help, and if help is wanted, help will be received. Do not volunteer wisdom when love is all that is needed.

(I want to talk about things...but I don't want, "You need to do this, and life is like this, and..."

I'd like, "I went through such and such and did such and such and learned this and this, I can relate, I'm hear to talk..."

...love, not words.)

YOU ARE ENTERING A DEEP THOUGHT/EMOTIONAL ZONE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, AN OPEN MIND, AND AN OPEN HEART

What does that mean exactly? Follow your heart? How do you know which way your heart is going? Where does the heart stop and head end? And is it really "right" to follow your heart is every situation?

The title of this post, to explain a bit, comes from "Not so much brains as earwax," a lovely Shakespearian insult. I think this blog has mainly been about my life, just day to day I did this, blah blah blah...and now I need a chance to vent, to talk about what i'm feeling...what i'm LIVING. therefore, "not so much LIFE as LIVING."

thought i'd clear that up. lol

anyway...I'm a little...confused...you could say. My head and my heart are both telling me two different things. And I mean, they both are. They both agree, on two things. I'm split! EEP!!! lol
The thing is though, it's not a life or death situation! I make whatever decision I make, life goes on. I'll be fine eventually. There's a girl in our hall with family in the hospital now, and that is something to fret over! Me...i guess it's growing pains.
And you could blame a bit on "the big D". lol

i think i'm afraid of change. and yet, i need it. or i think i do. i think i want it too...and then i don't...
which leaves me here, confused. and lonely...because who am i going to discuss it with who won't have some sort of bias or opinion all ready about it?

i wish i could say everything would be easier if Beagle was here. and that's part of it. long distance relationship...not cool. and worse not hearing from him but once a week...
but i swore i wouldn't give up just because distance was hard...

but, you can't really make those kinds of promises. especially at my age! i'm still growing, becoming "me"...and part of me wants to try this new "me" out...i want to date...but i want Beagle...can i wait? who knows. it's hard in this environment.

i think about him, and i cry, because we are so close. to hurt him, is worse than me hurting right now. i hate hurting others, and to think of him in pain because of me...makes it worse.

so how much can i take before i break? i'm all ready broken. there's no real wholeness...not yet. it's all so confusing...

and while studying for bio tonight...we got off on all sorts of tangents...and this guy has done marriage counseling, as the counselor, so he started talking about all sorts of stuff, i had asked about he and his wife, and i listened and i was like, YES, that's exactly what i think! that's what i want!!!
and then...i realized...that's not what i have. Beagle and I are from totally different backgrounds. not like he's bad, but he has a different way of thinking and doing things, which makes it hard.

and you know, it could work. i firmly believe anything could work...if you try...
so am i willing to try?

part of me says yes...part of me needs more than what i have.

so at what point is it ok to think about your own feelings, at the expense of someone else's?

then again, i'd be in pain for a while if i broke up with Beagle...i really would be. 2 and a half years, overseas, there's some baggage...lol.

mmmm...i just had to rant. it helps me to write it out.

i hope no one thinks i'm a boy-crazed child...and that's all i care about.
because it's not. it's just, everything else is going so well, i want this is be good too...and something keeps nagging at me, telling me my relationship hasn't been the best...and i dunno if that's my head, my heart, or even me at all!!!

this can bring me to what i wrote over the retreat...
that's when it really started...the doubt, insecurity...i have to wonder if it was God or me saying I need to look at Beagle and I's relationship...but...ever since then, i've been unsure, scared, lonely...but i wrote this...i wanted to just give it all to God, forget my human fears, and remember that He will lead me where I need to be...so where is He leading? and can i follow without breaking down half way? and will Beagle be ok if I go without him?...can i live with that question....

anyway, what i wrote...

As the wind
Rolls across the earth
So Your love
Rolls over my soul
As the sky
Fills my eyes above
So Your grace
Over flows my cup

And I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
For Your love
Is enough
To get me through my life and trials
And Your grace
Is enough
To give me strength and understanding
When I'm falling

As I live
As I breathe
Let my life be Your work
As I stumble
As I crawl
Let Your holy hands
Lift me to Your heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
Your word
Is enough
It gives me courage when I falter
And I'm falling
And I, I am in love
Your wind it rushes over me and moves me
I am in awe
Your grace it lifts me higher than my struggles

For I am weak
And You are strong
I am dumb
You are my song
As the wind
Wraps around the earth
So Your love
Wraps around my heart

And I, I am in love
I am in awe
Of all that You have done
Of all that You are doing
You, You are enough
Enough to lead me
Enough to save me
Enough to love me
You, You are enough
And I am in love
I am in awe

I sang it as I wrote it...my worship song to God...

and i found a beautiful verse...really fit the moment...it's alot that spoke to me...so...here goes!!!

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot, the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the right seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:5-11

ok...more than one...lol

As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness. Psalm 17:15

isn't just amazing? to be satisfied to be like God, to follow fully after Him, and to think...we have a "good inheritance", and "the lines have fallen" "in good places". that's especially hard to think of in the rough times. but how insignificant our worries must seem to God who can see the whole picture!!!
mmm...makes me question...am i following fully? or am i impaired...

i long to talk it over with someone...but not just anyone...lol. if i could have a face-to-face discussion with God, that'd be amazing.

i guess i want to know that Beagle'd be ok if I broke up with him...we aren't married! but we have discussed it...but again...at this point in my life...i'm changing...and i'm thinking...well, i dunno what i'm thinking...*dramatic sigh*

because i still love him...yes, love. I'm old enough to love I think...lol. but i need more than one web chat a week...i need affection...yes, physical affection!!! babies given nutrients, but no physical contact, die...i feel like one of those babies. empty, lonely...almost neglected...but i'm not...lol

i brought this upon myself. now the question is...do i suffer for 6 more months, have a wonderful time when (and if) he comes here for a while...and then suffer again for Lord knows how long?!?!?!?!

i can't live that way...but i want to. because it's worth it...
but am i cheating myself out of other experiences? am i limiting myself?

wow...you guys should feel honored to read this here...lol. i thought it was time to tell you what's really going on in my head...because as much fun as biology and anthropology and the French revolution are...i have a life too...and i have a future to think about...a future i see going so many ways, all good...but...what do i do...

nothing? nothing hurts. talk to Beagle? and watch him cry? have myself cry? with no one to hold either of us...
i couldn't do that.

Lord, give me strength. Give us all strength, as we struggle through life, wondering where Your hand is admist the pain. Because it's there, we just have trouble believing.

wow, enough deep stuff, eh?
bet you never wanted to find THAT on my blog...

Yours in Christ...

Chelle