Life's Cruel Irony

hmm...i hate being right.

Every time a boy has broken up with me, i've had this horrible gut wrenching feeling that something bad was going to happen waaaaay before the guy even knew!
This was no different.

I'm starting to think that, God just doesn't want me in any kind of romantic relationship right now. Which hurts a lot, I like being with people and...i've cared deeply about 2 guys in the past few years...Beagle and now CJ...I guess i cared too deeply.

the funniest part is...the way or reason he broke it off is pretty much what i told Beagle.

i have been talking to beagle lately. we're on good terms. he still likes me...*rolls eyes*...but i really just need a friend. i can't do the long distance thing. and...i think this is some divine sign that...i'm not meant for these kinds of things.

somehow, i'm a lot of guy's "perfect girl", but i can't find that one "perfect guy"...so while guys are out there saying they'll come for me, they love me, and they will be with me one day because we are "meant to be"...i'm cursing myself for being so damn caring about other people...and asking God if there's even ANYONE out there for me. actually...i'm asking if i could just have ONE...i don't want this whole multiple guys think i'm the perfect one for them. i just want that one person i can talk to, be with...

and i had him...twice...and lost him...twice...

maybe i really will run off and be a nun. or...live on my own private island.

yes, i'm being dramatic. :P

but really, it's ironic. i wanted to sort out my life, so i broke up with Beagle. now CJ wants to sort out his, so he's breaking up with me.
and somehow he still thinks we'll eventually be together.

screw that. i'm going to be alone and lost and...i can't wait my whole life for love!

i know...i'm young. i know...i'll move on. and yes i know...there are plenty of other guys.

i'm just very confused...and even more lonely than before.

my ears are still bugging me, i can't sleep well at night i tend to sleep until the afternoon...i have a wacko appetite, i can't concentrate on anything...i'm falling apart and i have no one to hold/catch me.

and if anyone dares to tell me i'm being dramatic, that'll i'm young and will get over it...well...let me tell you now, just because i'm young doesn't mean i don't, or didn't, have dreams, and just because i'll eventually get over it doesn't mean i can handle it on my own now.

i know i'll be ok. i realize i have plenty of life ahead of me. but it is hard when dreams die. especially when i have no one really here. it's just hard people, and if you can't accept that...well...don't even speak to me right now.

not to be rude but...those things make it worse, hearing it makes me feel more stupid and just increases my depression.

so, here i am, where i wanted to be before. alone. to figure out my life.

but what's there to figure out? i figured out that i loved so much, trusted so much, and had it all broken apart...
now do i just figure out how to live on my own?

i always believed God put desires in your heart because they were meant to be there. i figured he put my desire for a husband and a close relationship there because it was meant to be there.
but each time i come close, i get burned, and my dreams die.
i can't take that any more.
so this "desire" to find my "missing piece"...well...i found it and now it's gone...so...i'll just learn to live alone. i'm young, i'll get used to it.

dramatically yours,
chelle

Easter Pictures

I'm not sure if anyone even looks at this any more. I can't blame them...I don't post much. sorry
but...here are some pics from my Easter break over with CJ and his family

So, there's his dad, his sis, CJ, and me...blinking of course...lol...all ready for Easter dinner with our bunny ears!!! Hahaha...

And here we are. Cute ain't we?

And these are his parents...

CJ and I went out and launched rockets...I think it was that Saturday...maybe Monday...not Sunday though...lol

I launched a rocket! And broke it!!! This is CJ holding my beautiful work. hehe That'll teach him to let me play with his toys. *Hey, daddy, think I'm ready to work at NASA now? ;)*

So then CJ launched his hand-made rocket...and broke it. :P Not a good day for rocket launching...

Some more pics of his bent up rocket

Hehe...I love this pic. He's not actually sleeping. He was talking and blinked at the right moment...or else his eyes were just closed...that's probably how I was able to sneak out my camera. And that's my chickie, Pom-pom, that I got in my Easter basket

And here's Pom-pom modeling my stylish bunny ears!

Oink Joint Road...???...We didn't stop to let Mr. Piggy smoke...though he did ask...:P

(if you don't know...Mr. Piggy (full name Herr Piggily Squiggly) is my little pig, formerly my older sister's, who travels EVERYWHERE with me. Surprised I haven't put pics up of him...hmmm...now there's a thought...:P)

And...we're finally going out for my b-day! In the pic...not now...lol.

Funny story about that...we went to Applebee's, and we ordered our drinks...and they said they wanted to see our IDs...???...for iced tea and...he either got iced tea too or some kind of coke...soda...pop...GAH...back to my story...we were like...um...we want NON-alcoholic drinks...and the waiter goes...OH...lol...but the WHOLE NIGHT the servers thought we had or wanted alcohol...haha...I thought, COOL, I just turned 19 but I look legal! hehe. There were a lot of college students across the restaurant, probably drinking, so obviously they assumed we would too...but it was so funny! Asking for my ID with an iced tea...and I've never been presumed to be OLDER than I am...not in a restaurant anyway...some people say I act older...HAHAHA...that's because I work for them :P

but...I thought that was pretty humorous. Iced tea...CJ and I have stories about iced tea...there's never really a dull moment when we're together...haha...so beware if you ever spend time with the two of us together...one isn't so bad...but both? trouble is bound to happen...I think we're kind of like Jesse and Rebecca on Full House...terminally doomed to love and be goofy. :P

Safe Haven (GNTW Entry #1)

Hey!

So, I am on this online game/chat site, and I am part of a writing contest on it. Actually, they have lots on there, so that's cool...the one I'm in now is called "Gaia's Next Top Writer".

This is my entry for our first "challenge". We were supposed to pick one (or more) of four pictures they gave us of people (anime people...lol). These pics had no background, so for our challenge, we had to describe the character's living space, their "background" imagery.

This is the pic I chose, and my entry. ;) Not my best writing, but...I'm sick and almost thought about quitting this...but i'll either hang in or get "kicked off" so whatever. :P

Safe Haven (Image 1)

Tobi threw her bag into the room ahead of her, shut the door behind herself, and slumped with a heavy sigh onto the floor. A tentative, “Mrow”, sounded from under her bed as two beady black eyes peeked out at her.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” Tobi crouched onto the plush green carpet, she liked to imagine it as grass beneath her bare feet sometimes, and coxed her kitten, Mooki, out from his hiding place. Mooki’s tiny paws and legs almost disappeared completely within the thick carpet, making him look like a floating body as he made his way into Tobi’s outstretched arms. Scooping him up close to her face, Tobi sneezed violently, once more frightening Mooki who dug his claws into her arm. Wincing in pain, she stroked his back reassuringly and peeked under her bed. Sure enough, everything she had stashed under there, posters, old dolls, candy wrappers, and other useless treasures, was covered in a thin layer of dust, making the underside of her bed look almost like a winter wonderland. She briefly considered cleaning, but something outside her window caught her attention. A small ray of sunshine had found its way through the clouds and hit her window pane in such a way as to make the glass glisten with the promise of clear skies. Tobi pressed her forehead against the smooth glass and sighed wistfully, fogging up a small circle of glass. Raindrops trickled past her eyes as she looked out at the dreary scene below. One of the downsides to living in Seattle, Washington, at least for Tobi, was the almost constant rain. Despite having a “boyish” name, Tobi was a girly-girl through and through. To make up for the lack of sun in her life, Tobi had had her room painted in a cheery, sunshine yellow with pink and blue flower trimming when she was 5 years old. Eleven years later, the colors still appealed to her. Her bed was covered in a soft, lacey coverlet that her grandmother had embroidered with pink and yellow roses, and she kept a pair of hand-sewn dolls propped against her pillows. On those rare occasions when the sun was shining, Tobi could pull back her rose colored curtains and everything in her room would glisten.

Upon entering her room, one might assume one was in a small child’s room. The bright colors and flowers gave a very light, innocent feel to the space. One of the few signs of her actual age was Tobi’s desk. Her desk sat on the other side of the window from her bed, angled toward the corner of the room so as to take up a bit more space. Her hand-me-down Macintosh computer sat amongst stacks of school books and papers consisting of homework, doodles, and notes that had been passed during class time. The desk was white and, of course, had small painted daisies scattered about to decorate the drawers. A solitary picture frame stood to the right of the monitor, a simple black frame, holding a picture of a small child and a woman laughing in a park. It was the only photograph Tobi had in her room, and it was her most treasured. She let out a sigh as she looked at it now, the smiling faces beaming up at her from behind the messy pile of homework she still had to complete. Mooki began to squirm in her arms, so she dropped him to the ground and he scampered off to his cat bed. Tobi had gotten creative with her placement of Mooki’s sleeping space. In the first few weeks she had him he had slept with her, but after a few nights of rolling over and being clawed in the face she decided it was time to give him a place of his own. A small bookcase stood to the left of her bed, a simple vase of plastic flowers sat on top, a row of devotional books and a Bible occupied the top shelf, and on the bottom, curled into a tight ball, Mooki was curled up in his blue and white checkered cat bed. This was a much better solution than having his bed placed somewhere on the floor where it was liable to be stepped on, and he was close enough to Tobi at night that if either one of them got lonely they could easily find the other.

The thin stream of sunlight from her window fell on a small column of books on her shelf across the room. In her younger years that space had been occupied by a doll house, and a small table with matching chairs and a play tea set. Now, a white bookshelf that matched her desk stood there, reaching from floor to ceiling, but only taking up about a fourth of the wall space. Tobi’s reading chair, a bowl-like purple seat that was big enough to curl up in with the pink fleece blanket she had draped over the side, sat to the bookshelf’s right in the corner. Tobi’s retro flower lamp sat in between the two. There were three separate flowers with their own bulbs that could be angled wherever the user chose. Tobi had turned the lower most one, a yellow flower, down to her reading chair, the middle one, a pink flower, shone on her bookshelf, and the top purple flower pointed toward her bed. At night, Tobi could turn on her lamp, turn the other lights off, and have just enough light to curl up with a good book, place it back on the shelf, and find her way back to her bed. A lot of times during winter this was exactly what she did, and she usually had a cup of hot cocoa or tea with her. Right now an empty mug sat by the chair, another reminder of the cleaning she needed to do.

Mooki suddenly flashed by, disappearing behind the beaded divider Tobi had set up to her bathroom. There was no question what he had to do. Tobi’s bathroom, or her sink at least, was connected to her room. An opening about the size of her bedroom door connected the two along the wall her desk and chair were nearest. Flower beads, mostly from Mardi Gras, hung down to the floor as a sort of division between the two spaces. Tobi pushed back the beads now, surveying her bathroom, and being careful not to look under the sink. A full length mirror ran across the counter that held her sink, and all her necessities. Makeup bags littered the countertop, and an old ballerina music box stood open, jewelry spilling forth from its mouth. Tobi had given her mother a bit of a break on decorating the bathroom, and had tropical fish wallpaper put up. Her towels, one of which hung to her right as she looked at the mirror, were simple white cloth with swimming fish on the edges. A door to her right was closed, meaning her sister was currently using the toilet. That door, along with her bedroom door, marked the end of Tobi’s “territory”. She counted herself blessed to have her own sink and mirror, sharing a shower and toilet wasn’t half as bad when she could come in here and finish her daily preparations in peace. To Tobi’s left was another door, this one slightly ajar, leading to her walk-in closet. Tobi never thought of herself as spoiled, but if she needed a reason to, that closet was it. All her clothes hung neatly on the racks, or were folded on top of the shelves. Games were stacked on the very back shelf, easy to get to if she or her sister wanted to race in and grab something, and all of her shoes were hung on the shoe rack she had lovingly hung on the back of the door. Tobi didn’t much care about clothes, but shoes were her favorite. She had a wide variety of sandals, boots, and heels, and two pairs of sneakers for gym. What she couldn’t fit on the rack on her door, she laid out neatly underneath the hanging clothes so she could easily slip them on and go.

Mooki gently rubbed against her leg, letting Tobi know he was done with his business and she should do hers. Directly under her sink were cabinets which contained extra toilet paper, shampoo, her hairdryer, etc. In one cabinet door however, a small kitty-door had been cut out, similar to the one on the front door of their house. Behind there lay Mooki’s litter box. It was less of an eye sore here, and just as his bed, not liable to be stepped on or in. Tobi cleaned it now, knowing Mooki was picky about a tidy box.

Suddenly, her watch beeped. Tobi glanced at it and sighed. It was 5:30, time to go get dinner started. She quickly rinsed off her hands in her sink, and then brushed past the beads to her room. Glancing longingly one last time at the fading sunlight coming through her window, she opened the door and left her sanctuary, eager to come back soon.

Too Much Pain

I'm lucky there's only about a month left of school and then i get to go home.

Last August, I was so free, life felt good. College seemed great, classes weren't impossibly challenging, I was making friends, and I felt good being on my own. Of course I missed friends and family back home, but I was happy where I was.

Now, I'd give anything to just be home, surrounded by my family and friends, in the comfort of my own home, knowing i don't have to take care of myself.
right now, i just can't do it. i don't care if anyone thinks i'm weak, or pathetic, because i am. right now i really am.

In August, making it on my own was possible, it was wonderful...now it's just...too much. I don't want to be alone. I'm too sad, too hurt and scared.

I can't believe it's come down to this. I was so excited about moving far away, starting my own life...but now that life has just vanished from my grasp.

I could have done it...I could have made great grades, worked and made money, had fun and gotten close to people...and I did that some...but life got in the way and messed the rest up.

That's not how it's supposed to be for me. I don't know why I ever thought it would be fun, or easy. Not that it was completely...but it isn't at all now. My life is a nightmare...I'm so disappointed in myself...even though I know it's not my fault...

I'm torn between taking care of myself physically and trying to just finish out the semester.

The only things that really matter to me in the long run are my writing...and holding out until I can live my dreams with...him...again.
And getting better and going home. But that's not in the long run is it...

Sorry I sound really depressed...it's just because I am.

I realize I have friends and family up where I am too...but I need the ones who know me the most/best. I need some sort of comfort and stability right now. People who won't judge me, who won't tell me "Oh, it's not a big deal, you'll get over it", who will let me cry when I need to cry. People who won't say I'm giving up, who will help me get better physically, emotionally, whatever ways I need...and help me follow my dreams, whatever they may be.

Most of all I need someone who knows me better than anyone has ever known me, who can finish my sentences, my every thought...who shares my dreams and believes in the same things I do, the one I found who changed me back to who I was, not who others wanted me to be and I thought I should be. But, that's gone for now.

A piece of me has died, or so it feels.

Please, don't tell me "it'll be all right, things will get better, etc" i know they will. it's just...right now...i hurt...

and i'm trying...i really am...but i can only do so much...

well, time to clean my room. it's an absolute mess. i need to figure out what i'm storing away for next year, what i'm taking home for the summer, and what i'm throwing out.

maybe i can just throw out all these bad feelings and memories...no...that's too easy. if i could do that, i would have throw away being sick the minute i was...and i'd like to think...that's what started all this. thank you mono and ear infection. you have successfully infected my body, and entire life.

Various Pics...From March

19th B-day Cake

Also Grandma's FIRST EVER CARROT CAKE (to bake)...who woulda thunk it?

Happy B-day To Me...From My School UND...HAHAHA

All Pinked Out!!! Stef sent me a CUTE piggy and shirt for my b-day. CJ's wearing a V-day shirt from his mom.

Broken Glasses in the Dining Center...yeah...I don't know how they missed those and put them in with the other glasses...*rolls eyes*...but CJ found both of them of course. ;p

Glasses that look like that should be thrown out...just a thought...

April Fool's

Great April Fool's Jokes

How was everyone's April Fool's Day? I myself didn't have any pranks pulled on, but CJ and I did some "mischief making" of our own. We made candy melts, very cute ones if I may say so myself, and put chocolate laxatives in them!

Disclaimer: We made "safe" ones, non-laxative containing, for my dorm. The "dangerous" ones were given out to people on his floor.

And as far as I know no one was really affected...that or they're too embarrassed to say anything...lol

Anyway...I've been behind on my posting...so...i thought I'd catch up with some pics, which will be in the next post because it's easier to post pics and then type...but i didn't think about that...lol