Too Much Pain

I'm lucky there's only about a month left of school and then i get to go home.

Last August, I was so free, life felt good. College seemed great, classes weren't impossibly challenging, I was making friends, and I felt good being on my own. Of course I missed friends and family back home, but I was happy where I was.

Now, I'd give anything to just be home, surrounded by my family and friends, in the comfort of my own home, knowing i don't have to take care of myself.
right now, i just can't do it. i don't care if anyone thinks i'm weak, or pathetic, because i am. right now i really am.

In August, making it on my own was possible, it was wonderful...now it's just...too much. I don't want to be alone. I'm too sad, too hurt and scared.

I can't believe it's come down to this. I was so excited about moving far away, starting my own life...but now that life has just vanished from my grasp.

I could have done it...I could have made great grades, worked and made money, had fun and gotten close to people...and I did that some...but life got in the way and messed the rest up.

That's not how it's supposed to be for me. I don't know why I ever thought it would be fun, or easy. Not that it was completely...but it isn't at all now. My life is a nightmare...I'm so disappointed in myself...even though I know it's not my fault...

I'm torn between taking care of myself physically and trying to just finish out the semester.

The only things that really matter to me in the long run are my writing...and holding out until I can live my dreams with...him...again.
And getting better and going home. But that's not in the long run is it...

Sorry I sound really depressed...it's just because I am.

I realize I have friends and family up where I am too...but I need the ones who know me the most/best. I need some sort of comfort and stability right now. People who won't judge me, who won't tell me "Oh, it's not a big deal, you'll get over it", who will let me cry when I need to cry. People who won't say I'm giving up, who will help me get better physically, emotionally, whatever ways I need...and help me follow my dreams, whatever they may be.

Most of all I need someone who knows me better than anyone has ever known me, who can finish my sentences, my every thought...who shares my dreams and believes in the same things I do, the one I found who changed me back to who I was, not who others wanted me to be and I thought I should be. But, that's gone for now.

A piece of me has died, or so it feels.

Please, don't tell me "it'll be all right, things will get better, etc" i know they will. it's just...right now...i hurt...

and i'm trying...i really am...but i can only do so much...

well, time to clean my room. it's an absolute mess. i need to figure out what i'm storing away for next year, what i'm taking home for the summer, and what i'm throwing out.

maybe i can just throw out all these bad feelings and memories...no...that's too easy. if i could do that, i would have throw away being sick the minute i was...and i'd like to think...that's what started all this. thank you mono and ear infection. you have successfully infected my body, and entire life.