Life's Cruel Irony

hmm...i hate being right.

Every time a boy has broken up with me, i've had this horrible gut wrenching feeling that something bad was going to happen waaaaay before the guy even knew!
This was no different.

I'm starting to think that, God just doesn't want me in any kind of romantic relationship right now. Which hurts a lot, I like being with people and...i've cared deeply about 2 guys in the past few years...Beagle and now CJ...I guess i cared too deeply.

the funniest part is...the way or reason he broke it off is pretty much what i told Beagle.

i have been talking to beagle lately. we're on good terms. he still likes me...*rolls eyes*...but i really just need a friend. i can't do the long distance thing. and...i think this is some divine sign that...i'm not meant for these kinds of things.

somehow, i'm a lot of guy's "perfect girl", but i can't find that one "perfect guy"...so while guys are out there saying they'll come for me, they love me, and they will be with me one day because we are "meant to be"...i'm cursing myself for being so damn caring about other people...and asking God if there's even ANYONE out there for me. actually...i'm asking if i could just have ONE...i don't want this whole multiple guys think i'm the perfect one for them. i just want that one person i can talk to, be with...

and i had him...twice...and lost him...twice...

maybe i really will run off and be a nun. or...live on my own private island.

yes, i'm being dramatic. :P

but really, it's ironic. i wanted to sort out my life, so i broke up with Beagle. now CJ wants to sort out his, so he's breaking up with me.
and somehow he still thinks we'll eventually be together.

screw that. i'm going to be alone and lost and...i can't wait my whole life for love!

i know...i'm young. i know...i'll move on. and yes i know...there are plenty of other guys.

i'm just very confused...and even more lonely than before.

my ears are still bugging me, i can't sleep well at night i tend to sleep until the afternoon...i have a wacko appetite, i can't concentrate on anything...i'm falling apart and i have no one to hold/catch me.

and if anyone dares to tell me i'm being dramatic, that'll i'm young and will get over it...well...let me tell you now, just because i'm young doesn't mean i don't, or didn't, have dreams, and just because i'll eventually get over it doesn't mean i can handle it on my own now.

i know i'll be ok. i realize i have plenty of life ahead of me. but it is hard when dreams die. especially when i have no one really here. it's just hard people, and if you can't accept that...well...don't even speak to me right now.

not to be rude but...those things make it worse, hearing it makes me feel more stupid and just increases my depression.

so, here i am, where i wanted to be before. alone. to figure out my life.

but what's there to figure out? i figured out that i loved so much, trusted so much, and had it all broken apart...
now do i just figure out how to live on my own?

i always believed God put desires in your heart because they were meant to be there. i figured he put my desire for a husband and a close relationship there because it was meant to be there.
but each time i come close, i get burned, and my dreams die.
i can't take that any more.
so this "desire" to find my "missing piece"...well...i found it and now it's gone...so...i'll just learn to live alone. i'm young, i'll get used to it.

dramatically yours,
chelle