No More Lies

Well, Rent was AMAZING to say the least. ;) the guy who played Roger was 4th in "world idol" and had an AMAZING voice...*swoon*...lol

and a guy from "American Idol" played too. pretty cool.

And last night I watched the movie with "Zorro"...mmm...need a new nickname...haha...Squeaky...he'll appreciate that one. ;)

Anyway, love the movie too! So I pretty much have had a million different Rent songs in my head. Not that I mind!!!

But now I want to watch Moulin Rouge...lol. With my Jedi Singer...hehe. Seriously, a guy who can sing, and use the force? Pretty hot if you ask me!!!

Got some random Christmas presents...and considering that I HATE shopping, well, be happy. lol. Or shocked. Whatever. I'm satisfied...though I kind of wish we didn't always have to buy stuff...and that I wouldn't worry, "what are they giving me? if I give them something of "lesser value" i'll feel horrible!" that's like saying, "here, i love you so much, i wasted/spent money on you!" give me a hug and maybe a slice of cheesecake, and i'm set!

speaking of cheesecake, treated myself to some today after my Anth. midterm. which went ok i suppose. some of those questions were so random though...lol. whatever.

Well, the title of this post..."no more lies". I'm sick and tired of lying to/hiding from myself. It hurts more to suppress feelings than to just voice it and get the worst over with.

confused yet? :P well, i'd try to explain, but it never makes sense...and who knows how things will be tomorrow...ugh...it's always changing...lol

one thing I will say...i'll keep fighting this losing battle until i win. Beagle has to listen to me. I can't stand it any more!!! and maybe he thinks i'm giving up...and maybe in a way I am...but I'm really surrendering...to God. i've been going back and forth too long...it's time to cling to Him...

and maybe one day we will be together again, maybe friends...though right now...i'll email him and leave it at that.

so i may not be posting much this weekend because i want to resist the urge to go online because when i do, i'll inevitably check email, etc, and he'll be on and he'll persuade me otherwise, i'll cry, feel like a total...witch with a B...etc. and i don't need that any more.

finally, i'm HAPPY again. like...not hiding anything...genuinely excited...whole again...at peace with myself...happy.

well, hopefully i follow through this time. if i don't...everyone has my permission to smack me on the head with a huge stick...or something to wake me up

I love you all! Everyone back home...14 days!!! YAY!!! Can't wait to see you guys.

Girl's night tonight! Movie? Little Women!!! Man, I KNOW I'll cry...*sigh* But that's ok...it's a happy crying by the end...though I may feel a little...empty...just because I always see myself in Jo...and her cute German professor "boyfriend" always gets to me. LOL

i'm such a loser.

but i love it!!!

Yours, ever in confusion,

Chelle

Like Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread

"I feel...thin. Sort of stretched, like...butter scraped over too much bread." -Bilbo Baggins

*sigh* That's me. lol. For multiple reasons...

I have to find something to get out of next semester. I volunteer to do too many things. Lol.
If all goes well talking to an advisor tomorrow, I should get away with no classes on Tuesday. Just work, and whatever meetings of whatever things I decide to stay apart of. lol

So, definitely cold here!!! ;)
My face feels frozen after walking around, but, I'm happy. Quite content actually...all bundled up in my layers and stuff. ;)
What I really want to do...is turn the heaters off, light a fire, make some hot cocoa, and cuddle on a couch with someone. lol
Mel, you and Spice get ready for some serious cuddle time when I get home! Sam can join if he promises to refrain from poking while cuddling. LOL

OOOOOH
TEE HEE

I have an item I MUST add to my "wishlist". HEHE. Above all things...lol...*sigh* If you give me this...I will forever feel indebted to you!!!
My future husband...Josh Groban for those of you who were not aware...has a new album out. A Christmas album!!! *swoon* It's titled "Noel" and has some AMAZING songs on it. Of course, he's amazing...so what do you expect? Lol

Just realized I didn't mention that before and thought I'd get it out there.
So, if you love me...hehe...

Well, hall gov starts soon. *yawn* Really hope it goes quick tonight...though it usually DOESN'T. lol

Hopefully I'll have time to write more tomorrow. And hopefully I can post my spring semester schedule!!! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get in to my last 2 classes at the times I want!!! ;)

Liebe, deine kleine, kalte,

Chelle

Winter Wonderland

At last!!! Snow!!! And a bunch of it!!! Came on pretty quickly. This morning I was kind of disappointed, but then, before my bio lab it looked promising!!! lol

By the time lab was done...whoa! lol My face was soooo numb...but the snow is amazing! So beautiful...*sigh*...it'll be hard to leave it to come home to just cold. Not even worth it. lol Kidding. Family is enough for me!!! ;)

Pretty excited about everything. This is winter weather!!! This makes me feel like Christmas is coming!!! YAAAAAAY

lol

*skips through snow*

not really...but i totally would. ;)

my boots were nice and cozy today. and handy when I decided to see how deep the snow was piled in one spot and it went to mid-calf. hehe

so easily amused.

cold weather and less sunshine = sadness

BUT

cold weather and less sunshine + snow = HYPER CHELLE

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sorry guys. i'm getting excited here.

but if my face falls off, i won't be surprised...lol

i need a nose warmer. my hat works for my ears...but my nose...well a scarf...lol...but still...poor nose...lol

tried to register for classes today. got into 3 of my 5. but my psych classes (developmental and stat) think i haven't met the pre-reqs. *rolls eyes* i have it on my transcript, i'm good to go. so i'm talking to the lady who helped me over the summer on Wednesday, i'm sure she can warp the system...i mean...lol.

kind of sad....i'll have Developmental Psych, Stat, Bio and lab, and College Comp II...no fun classes. ok...i'll have fun in some of those classes...but i mean...nothing...entertaining....like my art class this semester.

OH!!! that's right...for our next and last project we're taking a 2D image and drawing it on our 18x24 paper, and then splitting it into 8 sections and using 8 different mediums that we've used over the semester. i'm thinking of doing some Thomas Kinkade work...that'd be fun. lots of landscape and detail...good for the different things i have to use, charcoal, pastel, ink, etc.

well, going to explore the world of art!!! lol

frozenly yours,

chelle

Flurries and a Wish List

Well, there is enough white stuff sticking to the ground that I think I can say, it's snow. YAY!!!

By home standards, this would be crazy...lol. But, I'm waiting for more. hehe. I'm never satisfied. Until I'm in the middle of a crazy blizzard, about to freeze to death...lol

But really, it's nice out, and little flurries are falling...perfect day after Thanksgiving! :D

Except...life is getting me down. *grumble*

No worries. As Grandma L keeps saying, I'm young. I have time.
I just wish it wasn't so hard! And I wasn't such a people pleaser! Or...that I could be more assertive...lol...
maybe if I didn't care so much...but then I wouldn't be me...

we'll see. i just hope I don't lose a friend. in the end, I probably will lose the boyfriend...but that is yet to be seen...

i just don't want to lose a great friend because my life is so screwed up!

On to more happy things...lol...I had a request from Auntie M, since I wasn't doing the usual Thanksgiving thing, to send out my wish list. Well, I'll put it here first. ;)

By the way, Thanksgiving was fun. Less people than I'm used to, and yet, louder and crazier. lol. Funny the difference one side of the family can make. ;) I love them all though. I had a blast. But I can't wait for Christmas with everyone else!

Now, without further ado...Chelle's Christmas Wish List...*it's hard for me to ask for things...so...be happy i'm doing this...and online for that matter! lol*

• CDs (I love movie soundtracks...including kids movies...Mulan, Pocahontas, Tarzan...and "real" movies...whatever you can think of) (oh...and MercyMe has a new CD, "All That is Within Me", good stuff)
• Books (in general, I like sci-fi, historical fiction, mystery, I ADORE Agatha Christie books and Mary Higgins Clark is good...any book I will read...just please no romances...lol)
• Gift cards (Kohl's, Walmart, Target, STARBUCKS, Michael's (helpful since i'll be doing a lot of art classes)...whatever. I'm a college kid...I'll take what I can get)
• A fish (tank) (i'm lonely in my little dorm room! i want a fishie! actually, I really want a frog, or a turtle...or another hermit crab...but I doubt that's allowed...lol) (i realize that's unrealistic for traveling on a plane with a fish...but...you asked what i wanted! lol)
• Gloves (i have gloves, but...they're a bit stretched out thanks to a certain German Hund...lol. a nice warm pair would be amazing)
• Drawing books (not the kind with blank paper...I have PLENTY of those...i wouldn't mind "how to" books...especially manga drawing books!!! :D)
• Manga (hehe...Mel should have the low down on the series I have and the books I need in those series...)

well...hope that helps! honestly, i'll love anything. ok. take that back. lol. but chances are, if you saw something and thought of me...it'll be perfect! lol

so..hockey game soon! YAY!!! ;)

hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well...have a good weekend...

The Ever Stumbling, Confused,
Chelle

"I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all"

"If you look inside a girls heart and see how much she cries, you will find secrets, best friends and lies, but what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong"

Psalm 86

that old trick of just opening to Psalm never seems to fail. ;)

Psalm 86
A Prayer of David.

1 Bow down Your ear, O LORD, hear me;
For I am poor and needy.
2 Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
4 Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
5 For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

6 Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
Nor are there any works like Your works.
9 All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
10 For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.

11 Teach me Your way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
13 For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

14 O God, the proud have risen against me,
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
15 But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.

16 Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
17 Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Various Musings of my Heart

well, where shall i begin today...;p

if you noticed, i removed Redemption Installment 6...i really don't like that part...i think it'll just be more simple so i can go into detail in other stuff.
which should be up later...

yeah, i'm a little ticked off with my computer. it won't let me upload video from my digital camera. ;(
and i was going to work on a video for Beagle, and make vids for various family members...*sigh* i'll have a busy time at home. lol

yesterday was amazing, we had our Scandinavian Day. mmmm. lol
Momma and Daddy...watch out...I want to cook when I'm home over my break. :D
it'll be fun.

i guess you could say i'm all right. but then again...how would you define "all right"? there always seems to be something that could be better. something i could improve that would make me happier.
really, i'm content with my life. but somewhere deep down...i'm not...
i've fooled even myself into believing i am ok with everything. so why does it happen that random things pop up that make me question every decision i've made. ok, that's a bit of an over statement.
things have happened lately that make me wonder if i have really made the right decisions.
my life is a big, cruel, irony. at least it has been.

remember when I was struggling with thinking I should break up with Beagle? well, after figuring we'd be fine...I met a guy who I just...clicked with. if that makes sense. and now I'm wondering...what would have happened had i not stayed with Beagle? is this supposed to mean anything? is God banging me over the head with a stick again? lol

He did that for a while with my Africa thing...kind of funny really. every Sunday, or every time I went to listen to someone speak...I felt that tug on my heart again...i think now if i do graduate in 2010, after graduation would be a perfect time to do what i've been needing to. and maybe a few summers before that too...hmmm...it'll be a lot of money though. lol
but God will lead me there...

just like He'll lead me through my current struggle.

the hardest thing about all of this...is not being able to see Beagle face-to-face...even by web cam.
i get so busy...we hardly have time to talk. but when we do, I know I'm doing the right thing. at least for now.
there's no way we met by chance. no way that there isn't a bigger reason for us to have met and been together. these things don't happen by mistake.
so why must i suffer on my own? he suffers too...but...how do i know? once a week POSSIBLY getting to talk to him...doesn't cut it. i'm always questioning, struggling...
it's like there will never be an end to it.

there's no easy way out. maybe the most i can do right now is wait out the next five months...and see what happens this summer. i know that when he comes in April or May, for a long time, the longest we'll have been literally/physically together...that will be the deciding factor. will we be able to stand one another for that long? will i be able to wait for another five years with various intervals of seeing one another?

i never expected this to be easy.

*sigh* i love it here, but i'm longing for the comforts of home. things were easier then. somehow. i didn't really struggle this much...i can't figure out why. maybe i need my family and friends more than i thought. ;)

i love you guys so much. i'm happy here...but...there's a love and comfort i feel around you nothing can replace.
maybe that was what kept me going without Beagle all those days, months...those 2 long years.

well...whatever. lol.
i'm young. i have time. i just hope i'm not giving up/wasting my youth...lol

yours, with a shattered, broken heart,

Chelle

Vampiress

pics i "lost"

my vamp pics from halloween

hehehehe

painted my nails black with red, "blood stains"...heh heh

borrowed the cape *and makeup* from a friend

fuzzy, but i like this pic. looks almost like i'm licking myself. lol