Various Musings of my Heart

well, where shall i begin today...;p

if you noticed, i removed Redemption Installment 6...i really don't like that part...i think it'll just be more simple so i can go into detail in other stuff.
which should be up later...

yeah, i'm a little ticked off with my computer. it won't let me upload video from my digital camera. ;(
and i was going to work on a video for Beagle, and make vids for various family members...*sigh* i'll have a busy time at home. lol

yesterday was amazing, we had our Scandinavian Day. mmmm. lol
Momma and Daddy...watch out...I want to cook when I'm home over my break. :D
it'll be fun.

i guess you could say i'm all right. but then again...how would you define "all right"? there always seems to be something that could be better. something i could improve that would make me happier.
really, i'm content with my life. but somewhere deep down...i'm not...
i've fooled even myself into believing i am ok with everything. so why does it happen that random things pop up that make me question every decision i've made. ok, that's a bit of an over statement.
things have happened lately that make me wonder if i have really made the right decisions.
my life is a big, cruel, irony. at least it has been.

remember when I was struggling with thinking I should break up with Beagle? well, after figuring we'd be fine...I met a guy who I just...clicked with. if that makes sense. and now I'm wondering...what would have happened had i not stayed with Beagle? is this supposed to mean anything? is God banging me over the head with a stick again? lol

He did that for a while with my Africa thing...kind of funny really. every Sunday, or every time I went to listen to someone speak...I felt that tug on my heart again...i think now if i do graduate in 2010, after graduation would be a perfect time to do what i've been needing to. and maybe a few summers before that too...hmmm...it'll be a lot of money though. lol
but God will lead me there...

just like He'll lead me through my current struggle.

the hardest thing about all of this...is not being able to see Beagle face-to-face...even by web cam.
i get so busy...we hardly have time to talk. but when we do, I know I'm doing the right thing. at least for now.
there's no way we met by chance. no way that there isn't a bigger reason for us to have met and been together. these things don't happen by mistake.
so why must i suffer on my own? he suffers too...but...how do i know? once a week POSSIBLY getting to talk to him...doesn't cut it. i'm always questioning, struggling...
it's like there will never be an end to it.

there's no easy way out. maybe the most i can do right now is wait out the next five months...and see what happens this summer. i know that when he comes in April or May, for a long time, the longest we'll have been literally/physically together...that will be the deciding factor. will we be able to stand one another for that long? will i be able to wait for another five years with various intervals of seeing one another?

i never expected this to be easy.

*sigh* i love it here, but i'm longing for the comforts of home. things were easier then. somehow. i didn't really struggle this much...i can't figure out why. maybe i need my family and friends more than i thought. ;)

i love you guys so much. i'm happy here...but...there's a love and comfort i feel around you nothing can replace.
maybe that was what kept me going without Beagle all those days, months...those 2 long years.

well...whatever. lol.
i'm young. i have time. i just hope i'm not giving up/wasting my youth...lol

yours, with a shattered, broken heart,

Chelle