To My Sister

I wrote the following weeks ago...and I feel better about it now. Why? Well, let me catch you up since I haven't posted in a while.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. It's messy, it's painful, but I know it's right. Why? Well, every time I try to spend time with God, I get this peaceful feeling nudging me and saying, "Hey, this relationship, it's not good for you. You think it is, but there's better." Which is hard for me to believe. I mean, I still love this guy! But I think about it seriously, and I see that following God's will for my life and being with Beagle, at least now, totally contradict each other! That, and I'm letting myself down. Everyday I don't know who I am because of some mistakes I made...that I thought I'd just forget about and "fix" in the future.

In short, I'm leaving a relationship that looks wonderful, felt wonderful, but in the long run was probably not a good thing...;(

And I talked to my big sis, KK *old nickname for her ;)* about it, and about a lot of deep, dark, personal secrets, ok like one...lol...but anyway...turns out, we have had VERY similar experiences...and I am just so amazed at God. Because, come on, who else can take a bad, painful situation, make that two painful situations...and use them for good!!!

Basically, I have felt for years that my big sis wasn't my big sis, was someone I didn't know...but now, I'm healing from that, as I heal from my relationship with Beagle etc. I'm so thankful for everything...like in my song/poem from fall retreat "i am in awe, of all that You have done, of all that You are doing"

anyway, the poems i wrote a while back were in response to my sis's situation and me wanting to be apart of her life but feeling i wasn't...yeah...but i am ok!!! lol. this is just how i did feel...there's two....one with pics. ;)

and...if it sounds angry...that's because i was so disconnected from all that was happening, so confused...now though, i'm glad to be close to my family again. ;)

What happened to those days,

Innocence came so easily,

Love was natural,

And we never questioned each other.

Now I look at you,

And who do I see?

Not someone I know,

Not the one I looked up to.

Why must we grow up?

Why must we separate,

Our lives are two different things,

And I wish somehow they were still connected.

I used to wear your clothes,

Pretend and wish

With all my heart,

That I was just like you.

Your independence and grace

Inspired me.

When did you become

Someone I couldn't follow?

Do you know how much I’ve needed you?

How now,I don’t understand

So many things

And as I watch you fall

I can only see myself

Doing the same.

If all else fails,

Come back to me.

Remind me why I called you sister,

Why I proudly held your hand.

Give me back my big sister,

Give me back my best friend.

Take a trip with me

Not too far back,

Just close your eyes,

I can almost see us there,

Lying in bed at night,

Whispering like little girls do.

You always told me of foreign lands

Lands I could travel to

Only in my dreams.

You filled my head with stories

About fairies

And lands where magic was abundant.

I still remember

Listening in rapture

To your voice in the dark,

Telling me of friends you made

On these voyages in the night,

And I too would close my eyes,

And drift off to a land all my own.

A little further in time

Still a while back,

But close enough I can still taste it,

We made mud pies

And played by the tree

Outside our father’s house.

You told me the moss

Was Mother Nature

And we spoke to her

Like she was real.

When we were bored

You made up stories

And we played queen and servant.

You let me be queen,

But I always thought you were the best.

And I still remember,

Crouching on the stairs

As we played a make-believe game,

A friend was there, and she whispered to me,

“You’re big sister is the coolest!”

And I proudly beamed and said,“I know.”

I never looked at you the same again.

You were my idol.

I wanted to be just like you.

I hated not seeing you dance

I hated when you didn’t come on the weekends.

Most of all, I hated it

When you got a serious boyfriend.

I know now,

It wasn’t him.

You were older,

I was still too young,

And you were exploring life,

You didn’t need me any longer.

But I blamed him with all my heart,

And when I lost my big sister

And forgot what it was to have a sister and friend

All rolled into one,

I said he had stolen you from me.

And then, not long ago at all,

You got married.

I was in the wedding,

But I was at the end,

Behind the girl you also called

“Sister”,

But she was only related by marriage,

We had a blood bond,

And I used to think it meant something.

I didn’t see you kiss the groom,

I barely even saw your shoes,

Still, I was so happy to be there,

Even if he was taking you away from me more.

And somehow, things got better.

And we were a family.

You and “the Jeans”,

I still didn’t like him,

Or so I said,

You would come to dinner,

And we would talk,

Laugh,

Play games and be

A family.

So now what happened?

As if I wasn’t far enough away

Another break has occurred

And I am too confused to understand.

I’ll never understand

Why you did what you did,

This girl I looked up to,

Who I thought was

MY SISTER,

Again,

Is gone.

But I still love you.

Blood is stronger than anything,

Except for our memories,

And those are what keep me going

In hopes that someday

We will come together,

Broken as we are,

And be a family again.