Don't Judge Me...

"Be yourself, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess

Mmmm...sooooo...lemme just say this...I am a learning, growing, changing human being. Aren't we all? So, sometimes I do things that make no sense...trust me...i make no sense to myself.

Except, I do. And I think as long as I understand myself, it's ok. It'll help me in the future.

So, I had talked to Jen...Sunday...about boys, relationships...and she mentioned that maybe I should think about breaking up with Beagle. I had been feeling for a while that our relationship was not what it should be...or at least there were things we needed to work out...and I took this to be God telling me to move on.
Thing is...whenever I tried to fix the things I knew needed fixing, I freaked out and ignored it...so it bothered me to the point where I thought breaking up was the only way to fix it! Silly me thought Beagle would automatically shoot me down for my feelings, etc. He does do that at times...*grumble* But not on purpose, and not for the things that really matter.
Today, we resolved a few things. He made me feel a bit better by presenting a "plan" for the next few years. Just roughly how long until we can really be together finally...lol.
Anyway...I finally came out and said what I was feeling, and he said, ok, i love you anyway...and though he doesn't understand, he won't force me to change my mind. he'll just wait for me to do the things i have to do...

anyway...what i mean is...we are at least staying together until we can talk this over together, face-to-face. ;)
this just goes with my lovely theory, any relationship can work as long as the people involved WANT it to and are willing to make it work. as in, you give a little, i give a little, we pull together

beagle talked to his best friend's girlfriend about what i had said (before we had a chance to talk today) and she told him to tell me, "das sie das bestimmt selbst nicht will" "she doesn't really want to do this to herself"
tis true.

but you know what...i'm glad i did freak out and think i was going to leave Beagle. why you ask? because it forced me to place myself back in God's hands. I'm suddenly becoming more comfortable resting in the fact that things won't always go my way, but He is there to hold me and He knows what is in store for me and will lead me through it.
which is what i needed anyway! i don't need to fix my relationship with Beagle, or the way I look at myself...I needed to come back to God. I needed to remember what it is to trust Him and from there work everything else out.

because the minute I trust Him, I do things I don't normally do, like tell Beagle what i'm REALLY thinking...and it works out ok!!!

i know some of you readers will be like...ok Chelle...that was ridiculous. are you just starving for attention?
yes, it was silly. but as i said at the beginning, we all struggle and are growing. but you know what, it took this to show myself that I can give up the love of my life to follow God. I still will. But he's ok with me going to Africa. not for 5 years...lol...but he said i have to do what i have to do, and he'll wait for me.

and now i see, nothing is perfect, it takes a lot of work, and i HAVE to be honest with him and myself. i can't say, yeah, whatever, i'll get over this feeling. no, if he can't respect my thoughts and feelings, bye-bye...but he DOES respect them...and he forgives me when i do dumb things like say we should break up.

so, i made some strange choices...but in the end...i'm better for it.
i'm stronger, more confident that things will work for good whatever happens...

and hoping that people don't think i'm some immature child. because you want to know the truth? a long term, long distance relationship is ONE of the hardest things. especially right now. and i am pretty proud of Beagle and myself for making it through all the crap we do and I don't know many other people who could do it. i barely can...obviously, but he's great about helping me.

all right, enough with the self defense. lol.
just know that i wasn't begging for attention. i was honestly struggling, but i'm ok now. and i learned an important lesson, be honest...and talk things over before making huge decisions.

and trust that things will always work for the best.

<----(this is me)

Chelle